Dear Mom,
So today gave me inspiration to write a more, hmm.. inspiring post than my last one. What a debbie downer I was, starting off the first blog of the new year with gloom! But hey, it happens. And now I am writing to talk about what a great start of the year it has been.
I just got out of my Intro to Disabilities class, and I must say that I am quite inspired! I spoke to my professor after class, and she told me I could use my volunteer hours I need to complete for class in a way that is more useful. She ended up giving me the number of a friend of hers, who is the founder of a speech pathology center here in the city. Hopefully things work out where I can get class credit for working in my future field! Or at least be in close contact with it.
Today was just a really good day. Another being that I heard back from Susan from Be the Match. I am officially donating again! My recipient isn't on the recovery level they want her to be, so I am donating my t cells (I believe?) This essentially means that I will be doing another all-day hospital day, but without the shots that made me woozy and achey. Which is great since I am in school! The only iffy part is that I will be at a different hospital. I am sure Alta Bates is a great facility; I just created a safe zone and comfortability with UCSF. I will be meeting with their staff on monday, though, so that makes me feel a lot better!
And honestly, I have no reason to be nervous. After all, I"ve already done this. I guess it's just a little unsettling, thinking you had done your part, then being told that you need to do it again. Not that it's a drag. It's just something I need to do. I'm just glad that my veins will be happy and healthy, now that I will have food in my stomach without all those silly drugs!
It's on days like these, when things fall into place, that I feel like I have my purpose. I feel a need to be right here, doing what I'm doing. Oh gosh, my song for you "You'll Be there" just started playing on my ipod. Great timing! When good things happen, things that make me think that I am so blessed to have these opportunities, that I really feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel you. I feel your warmth, your support. That undying love is something that I know will last forever. And on days like these, I feel at my best. Because I know you're proud of me. I always knew you were proud of me, but reminders like these feel great.
"Sometimes it seems like I don't have a prayer, let the weather take me anymore, but I know I wanna go where the streets are gold cuz you'll be there.." George Strait knows what he's talking about.
Speaking of George Strait, I am going to be bawling at his concert on Friday!!!!! I know I am not going to be getting much sleep this week since I am too freaking excited! I was thinking about all the songs that I hope he'll sing.. but honestly, he can't go wrong with any set! Of course his work from the 90's are probably my favorite, but just being in the same vicinity as him will be a dream come true! With my best friends by my side, and you will be there too I'm sure.
I love you Mom. I know you will be there with me on donation day, helping me stay calm (and keeping auntie calm! I think she might have been more nervous than me last time.) I just hope that everything goes well so that this journey can come to an end, and I can be another step closer to hearing that my recipient is 100% cancer free and recovered.
I love how I quoted T Swift in the title but talked about George Strait. Oh well, they both remind me of you. Music can do amazing things.
Miss you. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Raindrops keep falling on my head.
Dear Mom,
So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least.
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately.
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me.
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself.
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though.
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now.
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading.
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine.
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least.
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately.
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me.
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself.
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though.
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now.
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading.
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine.
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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