Dear Mom,
5 minutes before.
I'm holding your hand, ever so gently. Wanting this moment to last forever, yet wanting you to be rid of this pain. Thinking of good memories while trying to look past your sickly appearance. Knowing well that you deserve to be free, that this is not where you should be. Rubbing your hand, wiping your face. Telling you that I will be okay.
5 minutes after
Tears keep coming. Everything's spinning. Nothing is real. Surrounded by many, yet feeling alone. Shaking.What will I do? It's always been me and her. Her and me. Where will I go? How do I live without her? Sobbing, sobbing. I want to go back. I wish I had been nicer this week. I want to hug her. Feel her. Have her with me and tell me she's not really going. Why did she have to go? Did I do something wrong? This is a dream. This happened to fast, it can't be real. I never thought this could happen. Can't imagine filling the hole that is lost. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.
5 hours later
Finally in bed, drifting to sleep. Laying next to my Laura, who has been a trouper for me. Not knowing what's going to happen next, but knowing that at least, right now, I am safe.
5 days later
Not enough seats in the funeral home, standing room only. Slideshow of memories. Empty urn, our little secret about the ashes not getting there in time. Plenty of tears, and smiles to go around. Friends singing. Really feeling in my heart that you say it best when you say nothing at all. So many people sharing a part of themselves, the part they shared with you. People stare, watching me go up. Shaking. I speak, hardly looking at my notes, because it's hard to narrow down exactly what to say about you. You weren't just the master of sewing, or pedro. You were more than just the permanent stage mom, or parent club member. And believe it or not, you were more than just George Strait's biggest fan. You were you. You were my mom. Words can't describe our relationship, no matter how hard I try. People knew we were each other's everything. Looking around, I see how many people you touched. And it let's me know that they are there for me.
5 weeks later
Wishing you were here for my first prom. Wanting you here to help me get ready. Imagining you sitting on the couch crying, seeing your little girl. I push through it. Spend an entire day leaving behind my world of despair. For a moment, I am happy.
5 months later
Mr. Peters tells us to write an eyewitness story. Something you've experienced that you feel you can share. Looking at me, he says that this doesn't have to get too personal. Challenge accepted. Barely stayed within the 5 page maximum. Writing about that night was nothing less than therapeutic. Turning it in, I feel accomplished. Here is a keepsake of what happened. My last moments with her.
5 years later.
Less than 4 hours until the exact moment I dread every year. Many tears came with writing this post, because it's so baffling how much time has passed. Every year, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 1, 2, 3, 4, now 5. Look how much has changed in 5 years. What would you do if you were here with me now? Would it be the same? It's funny thinking about back then, about every fight we had in the car because we could never hear each other on our deaf sides. How you stole the Freak Friday punishment by not letting me close my door one time when I was bad. Things that seemed so important and aggravating at the time, and now they just seem stupid. And funny.
Not sure how tomorrow will go, or tonight when I check the time in the middle of the night. But I do know, that no matter what day it is, you are always here, watching over me. Loving me, laughing with me, being here. I wish you could share my life with me, meet all my new friends, and be with me as I continue to struggle through college. It's not the same without you, and it's frightening.
But one day, we will reunite, in that Big Musical in the sky. And it will be the best welcoming imaginable. We'll be dancing along the night of day, and head on down to the milky way.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2014
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Since it's Nancy's birthday tomorrow.
Dear Mom,
So I haven't written in awhile because things have been crazy busy. Junior year is kicking my butt.
I thought I would tribute this entry to a certain person's birthday tomorrow. Why not?
me into doing theatre, and it was during my first show that you guys started spending a lot of time together. As Danny and I would hang out and cause trouble in the empty rehearsal room (which is now a furniture store, by the way), all you moms would be sewing away townspeople and native american costumes. We were then hanging out because of 4H, parents club meetings, and then began the never ending shopping trips. So many car trips happened, to Gilroy for dinner, or seeing plays together. The two of you were so different, yet so the same. You guys would enjoy ganging up on me, danny, or both of us simultaneously. We would give Danny rides to school, I would spend summers at the shop by his house, Nancy drove me places. A lot of it blurs together, into an embedded memory of the dynamic duo that I hold so close in my heart.
So I haven't written in awhile because things have been crazy busy. Junior year is kicking my butt.
I thought I would tribute this entry to a certain person's birthday tomorrow. Why not?
I remember when the two of you started getting closer when I was in about the 4th grade. Danny got
Now it's Fall of my junior year of college, and things have changed so much. One of the biggest changes wasn't so much a change, but an improvement, or growth: my ever-growing love and respect for this amazing woman. I have many places I like to call home, whether it's all of Hollister, being with my family, back roads, the granada theatre, etc. But I have to say that having Nancy as an extended momma is an entire definition of Home for me. When I'm with her, I feel you with me. She makes me feel loved, safe, supported, and complete.
I could say so many things about this woman to show why I am proud to call her my momma. I am happy that I've gotten to perform with her on stage. I am thankful she has constantly given me rides to various places these past 11 years. I am forever grateful for her taking care of me and being there with me through our shared time of tragedy. Even though she was missing her best friend and hurting, she still putting my needs first. I cannot describe in sufficient words how proud of her I am for making the decision to make healthier choices, which led her to lose an incredibly impressive amount of weight, leading her to register for Be the Match. All of these things and more make me grateful to have her as one of my biggest role models.
I love you Nancy. Thank you for being an amazing support system after all this time. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I am endlessly thankful that you are my mom's best friend, and that you are my second momma. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for always being my go-to person when I need advice, or when I need some sense knocked into me. But most of all, thank you for being you.
We miss you every day, Mom. Thanks for watching over us.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Haunting senses
Dear Mom,
The smell of chicken pot pie
Stacks of books all over the living room
The Law and Order theme song 2 evenings a week
Scrambled eggs. Haven't had them that tasted like your's since.
The smell of your perfume. Either raspberry or the musty one.
George Strait playing while cleaning the house
Your soft and warm touch.
The sweet wonderful taste of your chocolate cream pie.
The pop and fizz of getting your diet decaf coke
Putting my hand against your's to show how small your's were. And how giant mine are.
Watching your head fly back in one of your explosions of laughter.
The sound of your sewing machine late at night
The smell of fresh baked cookies every Christmas.
Cuddling into your bed in the middle of the night for a very long phase
"Great Job Babydoll!"
All five senses
Filling me with joy, or haunting me with the "used to's"
Late night nostalgia, tucking me in at night
And I pretend you are right here
with me.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
The smell of chicken pot pie
Stacks of books all over the living room
The Law and Order theme song 2 evenings a week
Scrambled eggs. Haven't had them that tasted like your's since.
The smell of your perfume. Either raspberry or the musty one.
George Strait playing while cleaning the house
Your soft and warm touch.
The sweet wonderful taste of your chocolate cream pie.
The pop and fizz of getting your diet decaf coke
Putting my hand against your's to show how small your's were. And how giant mine are.
Watching your head fly back in one of your explosions of laughter.
The sound of your sewing machine late at night
The smell of fresh baked cookies every Christmas.
Cuddling into your bed in the middle of the night for a very long phase
"Great Job Babydoll!"
All five senses
Filling me with joy, or haunting me with the "used to's"
Late night nostalgia, tucking me in at night
And I pretend you are right here
with me.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Your gift
Dear Mom,
Two posts in one day! Aren't you lucky?
Alright, this is one of my tribute posts. About a year and a half ago, I posted one of my favorite pictures of you, the one with you holding a doll. Your beauty ceases to amaze me. Seriously, you are so angelic in that photo.
Anyway, Jeremy Chase posted a comment on that photo. That little booger posted one of the most heartfelt pieces of writing ever written to me. I immediately typed it out on a word doc with the photo, printed it out, and it's been hanging in my room back home ever since.
So, obviously I was going to post it here. I just didn't realize I hadn't done so already.
Dec 11 2011
Looking at this doll, she knew someday that God would send her a gift. To be a mother, a carer, a provider, a friend.
She knew what would come would be a big grand adventure.
And girl was she right.
Most days were filled with laughter, some with tears, but she never feared 'cause happiness was just around the corner.
Unfortunately, there was a sad time in all our lives, when she had to pass on
She was taken, but is not gone, for she lives through every person see knew
And the best thing she left us on this earth was her gift, which was you.
By: Jeremy Chase.
Yeah, he's a pretty special dude. I realize more and more how thankful I am for him. One of the BEST things that came out of being best friends with Nathan was getting close with his family, especially Joome.
Two posts in one day! Aren't you lucky?
Alright, this is one of my tribute posts. About a year and a half ago, I posted one of my favorite pictures of you, the one with you holding a doll. Your beauty ceases to amaze me. Seriously, you are so angelic in that photo.
Anyway, Jeremy Chase posted a comment on that photo. That little booger posted one of the most heartfelt pieces of writing ever written to me. I immediately typed it out on a word doc with the photo, printed it out, and it's been hanging in my room back home ever since.
So, obviously I was going to post it here. I just didn't realize I hadn't done so already.
Looking at this doll, she knew someday that God would send her a gift. To be a mother, a carer, a provider, a friend.
She knew what would come would be a big grand adventure.
And girl was she right.
Most days were filled with laughter, some with tears, but she never feared 'cause happiness was just around the corner.
Unfortunately, there was a sad time in all our lives, when she had to pass on
She was taken, but is not gone, for she lives through every person see knew
And the best thing she left us on this earth was her gift, which was you.
By: Jeremy Chase.
Yeah, he's a pretty special dude. I realize more and more how thankful I am for him. One of the BEST things that came out of being best friends with Nathan was getting close with his family, especially Joome.
Sorry Jeremy. I try not to be all cutesy cutesy because I know you dislike it. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate our friendship, and that I am forever grateful to have you in my life. Thank you. <3
So Mom, I think both of today's posts prove something very special:
I have amazing people in my life. With them, the hard times are very much cushioned. And I know you know I am in safe hands down here. I have just been extra thankful lately.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
& I can't wait
Dear Mom,
Last Friday should have been hard. I should have been crying myself to sleep. I should have stayed in bed. I should have been numb, not wanting to so anything.
But that didn't happen. You taught me better than that.
I'm not saying it gets easier. That I don't miss you. No, it definitely still hurts not having you here. But I know that it will always hurt. Thirty years from now, when my kids are in college, it will hurt. When I'm a crazy old lady dancing at my grandkid's wedding, I will miss you. This will never go away, and I know that.
Do I guess Friday was just a day of reflection. Although there was a lull of sadness that gloomed over, I tried to think on the bright side. Having tons of people reaching out to me worked wonders. Although it sucks not having you here, MAN are there a lot of people here who love us to no end.
It brought me back to that night in the hospital. Although it was the worst night of my life, looking around the waiting room, I knew I was in safe hands. Even on that I night I knew that everything was going to be okay.
So I guess as time passes by, it really has become less about hurting at how long I've been without you, and turning into longing and anxiousness about when I will see you again. Because even if its a long ways off, it will be worth the wait.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy loo loo
Last Friday should have been hard. I should have been crying myself to sleep. I should have stayed in bed. I should have been numb, not wanting to so anything.
But that didn't happen. You taught me better than that.
I'm not saying it gets easier. That I don't miss you. No, it definitely still hurts not having you here. But I know that it will always hurt. Thirty years from now, when my kids are in college, it will hurt. When I'm a crazy old lady dancing at my grandkid's wedding, I will miss you. This will never go away, and I know that.
Do I guess Friday was just a day of reflection. Although there was a lull of sadness that gloomed over, I tried to think on the bright side. Having tons of people reaching out to me worked wonders. Although it sucks not having you here, MAN are there a lot of people here who love us to no end.
It brought me back to that night in the hospital. Although it was the worst night of my life, looking around the waiting room, I knew I was in safe hands. Even on that I night I knew that everything was going to be okay.
So I guess as time passes by, it really has become less about hurting at how long I've been without you, and turning into longing and anxiousness about when I will see you again. Because even if its a long ways off, it will be worth the wait.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy loo loo
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Eggs, bunnies, & jelly beans.
Dear Mom,
I love the springtime. The sun is finally back out, with occasional rain to keep everything green. I get to spend time with loved ones over break, and believe me, it's always much needed.
But there's always a shadow of sadness around this time of year. Remembering Easter 4 years ago isn't always the most fun. It's all kind of a blur. I had gone to Lou and Mary's, and we didn't get back until like 6am. I remember getting up at 8am because Bub called. Soon after, Tricia, Curtis, Nate (Cruz), and Norma came by the house. Then Dayna, Sara, and a few others I can't remember. Then I went to cousin Mary's for Easter stuff, although no one was really celebrating. Then I don't remember anything until everyone coming to Laura's house that night. And I mean everyone.
It's nice as the years have passed that I can spend a happy day at home, not thinking about all this stuff as much. I mean, it doesn't matter what holiday it is; I always miss you and wish you were there. But at least now I can have fun with the kids and it's a more enjoyable holiday. I am thankful for how far I've come. It's nice not being sad all the time.
Easter with you was always weird but it still brings a smile to my face. I think you made me find easter eggs at my house every year, even our last easter together freshman year. I was mortified, hoping no one saw my 14-year-old self hunting for candy. But I did it anyway, knowing you had gone through all that trouble.
I guess this entry is going to be shorter than I though. I just wanted to let you know that although this time of year doesn't always bring back the fondest memories, I can still be thankful for the time I have at home, and I'm thankful for the good memories that also come to mind.
Love you more than you know.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
I love the springtime. The sun is finally back out, with occasional rain to keep everything green. I get to spend time with loved ones over break, and believe me, it's always much needed.
But there's always a shadow of sadness around this time of year. Remembering Easter 4 years ago isn't always the most fun. It's all kind of a blur. I had gone to Lou and Mary's, and we didn't get back until like 6am. I remember getting up at 8am because Bub called. Soon after, Tricia, Curtis, Nate (Cruz), and Norma came by the house. Then Dayna, Sara, and a few others I can't remember. Then I went to cousin Mary's for Easter stuff, although no one was really celebrating. Then I don't remember anything until everyone coming to Laura's house that night. And I mean everyone.
It's nice as the years have passed that I can spend a happy day at home, not thinking about all this stuff as much. I mean, it doesn't matter what holiday it is; I always miss you and wish you were there. But at least now I can have fun with the kids and it's a more enjoyable holiday. I am thankful for how far I've come. It's nice not being sad all the time.
Easter with you was always weird but it still brings a smile to my face. I think you made me find easter eggs at my house every year, even our last easter together freshman year. I was mortified, hoping no one saw my 14-year-old self hunting for candy. But I did it anyway, knowing you had gone through all that trouble.
I guess this entry is going to be shorter than I though. I just wanted to let you know that although this time of year doesn't always bring back the fondest memories, I can still be thankful for the time I have at home, and I'm thankful for the good memories that also come to mind.
Love you more than you know.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, March 18, 2013
"A New Reason to Mourn on Easter."
Dear Mom,
I have decided to resurface this (digging it out from the prehistoric facebook "notes") after writing this over three years ago for my english composition class. Mary texted me asking me if she could read this out loud at tomorrow night's Relay team captain's meeting. I guess the captains were told to share their stories of why they relay, and she remembered that I wrote this.
I have the original paper somewhere in my room, with my grade (A+, sheesh, it better have been!) and a very eloquent and thoughtful note from Mr. Peters. He told me to cherish my story. Well, hear I am, cherishing it, and sharing it once again.
Note to readers: this is not a light read. Only read if you have time/the courage to read a 5 page paper about the worst night of my life. Grab some tissues.
Tess Kelly
Mr. Peters
AP Composition
9 September, 2009
A New Reason to Mourn on Easter
No one ever expects the worst to happen. For me, having to face the doom of having everything that was ever familiar to me in life, shattered, at only fifteen; well, it was not exactly my cup of tea. Still, my mind often drifts back to that night, in an attempt to remember how things used to be, even if it means going through that pain all over again.
It was early April, and I had just finished up another play. Mom and I were both pretty exhausted, after all the hustle and bustle. Mom woke up that Monday with the stomach flu, a really bad case of it. It got to the point where she couldn’t even walk from her bedroom to the bathroom without getting winded. She threw up constantly, and was living on Sprite Zero. Me being the selfish teenager I was, I didn’t think anything of it, until her best friend Nancy started nagging her to go see a doctor. It wasn’t until that Friday, when her boss screamed at her, that she finally gave in. We went to Pinnacle Urgent Care, but had to come back the next morning.
Mom had driven herself home, while Nancy’s son Danny and I went to the movies. I came back home, and the door was locked, and the light was off. I was so confused and couldn’t find her anywhere. I called Nancy in a panic. I went back outside and saw her; she was in the car, taking a nap. “It’s more comfortable in here,” she had said. I dragged her inside, now seeing that this was a lot more serious than I thought. I fell asleep to her wheezing in the next room.
She couldn’t even dress herself in a timely manner. I had to wake her up, and it took her at least twenty minutes just to change her clothes. She didn’t even remember to tie her shoes, so I had to tie them for her when we were in the waiting room. I was trying so hard to ignore how bad she looked. She couldn’t think straight at all. I was trying to tell her a funny story, and she had barely acknowledged that I had spoken. I was heartbroken.
PUC sent us straight to the ER, where they put her in an uncomfortable bed that she complained about. I couldn’t stand to see her in there, so I stayed outside most of the time. Still in a daze, I went to her friend Janet’s house to take a shower so I could go prom dress shopping with my best friend Jamie. I went into Mom’s room and said I love you, and she said it back.
I got a call about an hour later from her. She told me that they were moving her to Stanford to run some tests, and that she would have to stay there for a little while. With tears in my eyes and a forced cheerful voice, I said okay, and said that I loved her, and she said it back.
I worried about her when I went shopping, but not too much. I told everyone to call me if absolutely anything went wrong. So when no one called in those six hours, I felt at ease. I wasn’t called until around nine o’clock on my way home, from Mary, Nancy’s sister, who had followed the ambulance up to Stanford. I told her that I would just go up to the hospital after Easter brunch the next day, because I was burnt out. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal since she was going to be there for awhile, and I hated being in hospitals.
Two minutes later, I got a call from my Uncle Jim from Turlock. “Honey, you need to come tonight. Your mom is really sick.” Those weren’t exactly words I could go home to.
By the time I got there, it was nearly eleven, and I was frantic. I had texted by friend Gabe, so scared for the unknown, and he assured me “Everything will be all right. Stanford is a really good hospital, and they’re going to take care of her.”
Having that in mind, I was not ready for the big news that was about to be laid on me.
I finally was allowed to see Mom, but before they let me, Mary warned me of what she would look like, so I wouldn’t be as scared when I came into her room. “She’s on a respirator to help her breathe, and she has tubes with blood coming out of her, and medicine going in.”
I couldn’t stand this, so I broke down. As the tears ran down my face, I tried to keep myself from picturing her as a sick person. How could that be? Just hours ago she was fine. My mom had to be fine. She just had to be.
I sat down in the waiting room, as more people filtered in to be with me. Janet, Mary, and Nancy went in to see Mom and to talk to her doctor. My greatest fears that haunted me on the way to the hospital weren’t going to be all in my head anymore.
Three of them surrounded me, took my hands, and held me. “Should we tell her?” asked Mary. They returned nods with teary eyes.
Mary sighed. “Mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia. She’s bleeding in her stomach, and her brain. She has a very special case, and they’ve been trying everything,” she paused, “but they don’t think she’s going to make it through the night. I’m so sorry sweetie.”
I felt my whole body grow numb. Everything became blurry, as I went into hysterics. Nancy held me close as I screamed uncontrollably “She can’t leave me! It isn’t true!” No matter how many times they said “Of course she won’t leave you. She will always be with you,” I couldn’t stop crying. One minute I thought she was staying in the hospital for a few days, the next she was going to die. How could this happen to me?
Somehow, I was able to drag myself to her hospital room. There were a couple of nurses in there, who looked up and smiled warmly. And there she was. Yellowed skin, tape over her mouth where tubes were hooked up, discolored hair. It was unreal; to see someone so who used to be so full of life, now slowly slipping away and turning into a memory, right before my eyes.
I went by her side, pulled up a chair, and careful stroked her hand. It felt smaller now; puffed up and scaly. I was almost afraid to touch her, but I knew I wanted to cherish these last moments with her.
Soon they kicked everyone out so that they could try their very last option, which was to try one session of chemotherapy. Meanwhile, the doctor called for a family meeting, to explain in detail what was going on. All twelve of us, four relatives, seven “extended family members,” and I squeezed into the conference room, listening to the doctor’s details of mom’s condition. Mom had a special case of Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t keep up with all the blood she was losing, and not even the quadrupled medication doses could save her. There was nothing they could do, except make her last night as comfortable as possible. All I could do was sit there, nod my head, and hold back the tears.
Even when I went back to her room, I kept the tears back. With the beeping monitor, the numbers getting progressively lower by the minute; my random spasm jumps from nerves; people coming in and out to see her; nothing would stop me from being strong for her in her last moments on Earth. This was our last night, and it was going to be perfect.
It broke my heart to see her suffering in that last hour. All the while, I held her hand, adjusted her blankets, kissed her hand, yelled at the nurse whenever blood dripped from the tubes onto her delicate skin. I was so torn apart. I couldn’t stand her leaving me, before I had even turned sixteen, without sharing all the things I wanted her to in my life. I would be without her graduating high school and college, getting married, having children. I couldn’t comprehend the thought of all this. But, the unselfish side of me kept whispering to her softly, “Go on Mom. Go. I’ll be fine. It’s okay. Let yourself go. It’s time.”
I just kept looking back at the screen, expecting for the beeping to rise in high intervals all of a sudden, just in like all those hospital shows. But, before I knew it, the nurse calmly stated “Now, she has passed.”
My world turned upside down. I immediately let go of her hand, and ran to my uncle and sobbed. No one can ever know the pain that I felt, at fifteen years old, at two o’clock in the morning on Easter Sunday, when my mother just died of Leukemia, when she was diagnosed with it just twelve hours before. It created such physical pain to my nerves and heart, and face wait drenched with tears.
An hour later, I was sitting in the completely full waiting room. I said aloud, “You know, I don’t think she could have ever imagined that this many people would have come.” The whole room warmly agreed, reflecting on how modest she had always been. I felt so blessed, to be surrounded by a whopping fifteen loved ones, who I knew were going to take care of me. Even on my darkest day, I somehow knew that everything was going to be okay.
It was then that I went back to say goodbye to her. She looked so beautiful, now without all the tubes. She looked peaceful, and was even smiling slightly. I cried softly as I told her how much she meant to me, that I would be forever grateful to everything she’s ever done to me, and that I wouldn’t let her down. I kissed her hand, said I love you, and let go. I let her go, knowing that someday, I would be reunited with my one true hero, in that big musical in the sky.
Looking back on this, I am so incredibly glad I shared this story. Although this isn't a good memory, it keeps your memory alive. Also, I'm annoyed reading the awkward sentence structure, and mentally adding in details that I had to delete to keep the paper to 5 pages.
To anyone reading this, please call up your parents or caregivers and tell them you love them. It's horrible to think in a mindset like this, but you never know when the people you love will be taken from you. So make your last memory with them a good one.
I love you so much Mom. This goes without saying. But, I will always hold close in my heart what our last words to each other were.
Love your babydoll, Tessy Loo Loo
I have decided to resurface this (digging it out from the prehistoric facebook "notes") after writing this over three years ago for my english composition class. Mary texted me asking me if she could read this out loud at tomorrow night's Relay team captain's meeting. I guess the captains were told to share their stories of why they relay, and she remembered that I wrote this.
I have the original paper somewhere in my room, with my grade (A+, sheesh, it better have been!) and a very eloquent and thoughtful note from Mr. Peters. He told me to cherish my story. Well, hear I am, cherishing it, and sharing it once again.
Note to readers: this is not a light read. Only read if you have time/the courage to read a 5 page paper about the worst night of my life. Grab some tissues.
Tess Kelly
Mr. Peters
AP Composition
9 September, 2009
A New Reason to Mourn on Easter
No one ever expects the worst to happen. For me, having to face the doom of having everything that was ever familiar to me in life, shattered, at only fifteen; well, it was not exactly my cup of tea. Still, my mind often drifts back to that night, in an attempt to remember how things used to be, even if it means going through that pain all over again.
It was early April, and I had just finished up another play. Mom and I were both pretty exhausted, after all the hustle and bustle. Mom woke up that Monday with the stomach flu, a really bad case of it. It got to the point where she couldn’t even walk from her bedroom to the bathroom without getting winded. She threw up constantly, and was living on Sprite Zero. Me being the selfish teenager I was, I didn’t think anything of it, until her best friend Nancy started nagging her to go see a doctor. It wasn’t until that Friday, when her boss screamed at her, that she finally gave in. We went to Pinnacle Urgent Care, but had to come back the next morning.
Mom had driven herself home, while Nancy’s son Danny and I went to the movies. I came back home, and the door was locked, and the light was off. I was so confused and couldn’t find her anywhere. I called Nancy in a panic. I went back outside and saw her; she was in the car, taking a nap. “It’s more comfortable in here,” she had said. I dragged her inside, now seeing that this was a lot more serious than I thought. I fell asleep to her wheezing in the next room.
She couldn’t even dress herself in a timely manner. I had to wake her up, and it took her at least twenty minutes just to change her clothes. She didn’t even remember to tie her shoes, so I had to tie them for her when we were in the waiting room. I was trying so hard to ignore how bad she looked. She couldn’t think straight at all. I was trying to tell her a funny story, and she had barely acknowledged that I had spoken. I was heartbroken.
PUC sent us straight to the ER, where they put her in an uncomfortable bed that she complained about. I couldn’t stand to see her in there, so I stayed outside most of the time. Still in a daze, I went to her friend Janet’s house to take a shower so I could go prom dress shopping with my best friend Jamie. I went into Mom’s room and said I love you, and she said it back.
I got a call about an hour later from her. She told me that they were moving her to Stanford to run some tests, and that she would have to stay there for a little while. With tears in my eyes and a forced cheerful voice, I said okay, and said that I loved her, and she said it back.
I worried about her when I went shopping, but not too much. I told everyone to call me if absolutely anything went wrong. So when no one called in those six hours, I felt at ease. I wasn’t called until around nine o’clock on my way home, from Mary, Nancy’s sister, who had followed the ambulance up to Stanford. I told her that I would just go up to the hospital after Easter brunch the next day, because I was burnt out. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal since she was going to be there for awhile, and I hated being in hospitals.
Two minutes later, I got a call from my Uncle Jim from Turlock. “Honey, you need to come tonight. Your mom is really sick.” Those weren’t exactly words I could go home to.
By the time I got there, it was nearly eleven, and I was frantic. I had texted by friend Gabe, so scared for the unknown, and he assured me “Everything will be all right. Stanford is a really good hospital, and they’re going to take care of her.”
Having that in mind, I was not ready for the big news that was about to be laid on me.
I finally was allowed to see Mom, but before they let me, Mary warned me of what she would look like, so I wouldn’t be as scared when I came into her room. “She’s on a respirator to help her breathe, and she has tubes with blood coming out of her, and medicine going in.”
I couldn’t stand this, so I broke down. As the tears ran down my face, I tried to keep myself from picturing her as a sick person. How could that be? Just hours ago she was fine. My mom had to be fine. She just had to be.
I sat down in the waiting room, as more people filtered in to be with me. Janet, Mary, and Nancy went in to see Mom and to talk to her doctor. My greatest fears that haunted me on the way to the hospital weren’t going to be all in my head anymore.
Three of them surrounded me, took my hands, and held me. “Should we tell her?” asked Mary. They returned nods with teary eyes.
Mary sighed. “Mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia. She’s bleeding in her stomach, and her brain. She has a very special case, and they’ve been trying everything,” she paused, “but they don’t think she’s going to make it through the night. I’m so sorry sweetie.”
I felt my whole body grow numb. Everything became blurry, as I went into hysterics. Nancy held me close as I screamed uncontrollably “She can’t leave me! It isn’t true!” No matter how many times they said “Of course she won’t leave you. She will always be with you,” I couldn’t stop crying. One minute I thought she was staying in the hospital for a few days, the next she was going to die. How could this happen to me?
Somehow, I was able to drag myself to her hospital room. There were a couple of nurses in there, who looked up and smiled warmly. And there she was. Yellowed skin, tape over her mouth where tubes were hooked up, discolored hair. It was unreal; to see someone so who used to be so full of life, now slowly slipping away and turning into a memory, right before my eyes.
I went by her side, pulled up a chair, and careful stroked her hand. It felt smaller now; puffed up and scaly. I was almost afraid to touch her, but I knew I wanted to cherish these last moments with her.
Soon they kicked everyone out so that they could try their very last option, which was to try one session of chemotherapy. Meanwhile, the doctor called for a family meeting, to explain in detail what was going on. All twelve of us, four relatives, seven “extended family members,” and I squeezed into the conference room, listening to the doctor’s details of mom’s condition. Mom had a special case of Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t keep up with all the blood she was losing, and not even the quadrupled medication doses could save her. There was nothing they could do, except make her last night as comfortable as possible. All I could do was sit there, nod my head, and hold back the tears.
Even when I went back to her room, I kept the tears back. With the beeping monitor, the numbers getting progressively lower by the minute; my random spasm jumps from nerves; people coming in and out to see her; nothing would stop me from being strong for her in her last moments on Earth. This was our last night, and it was going to be perfect.
It broke my heart to see her suffering in that last hour. All the while, I held her hand, adjusted her blankets, kissed her hand, yelled at the nurse whenever blood dripped from the tubes onto her delicate skin. I was so torn apart. I couldn’t stand her leaving me, before I had even turned sixteen, without sharing all the things I wanted her to in my life. I would be without her graduating high school and college, getting married, having children. I couldn’t comprehend the thought of all this. But, the unselfish side of me kept whispering to her softly, “Go on Mom. Go. I’ll be fine. It’s okay. Let yourself go. It’s time.”
I just kept looking back at the screen, expecting for the beeping to rise in high intervals all of a sudden, just in like all those hospital shows. But, before I knew it, the nurse calmly stated “Now, she has passed.”
My world turned upside down. I immediately let go of her hand, and ran to my uncle and sobbed. No one can ever know the pain that I felt, at fifteen years old, at two o’clock in the morning on Easter Sunday, when my mother just died of Leukemia, when she was diagnosed with it just twelve hours before. It created such physical pain to my nerves and heart, and face wait drenched with tears.
An hour later, I was sitting in the completely full waiting room. I said aloud, “You know, I don’t think she could have ever imagined that this many people would have come.” The whole room warmly agreed, reflecting on how modest she had always been. I felt so blessed, to be surrounded by a whopping fifteen loved ones, who I knew were going to take care of me. Even on my darkest day, I somehow knew that everything was going to be okay.
It was then that I went back to say goodbye to her. She looked so beautiful, now without all the tubes. She looked peaceful, and was even smiling slightly. I cried softly as I told her how much she meant to me, that I would be forever grateful to everything she’s ever done to me, and that I wouldn’t let her down. I kissed her hand, said I love you, and let go. I let her go, knowing that someday, I would be reunited with my one true hero, in that big musical in the sky.
Looking back on this, I am so incredibly glad I shared this story. Although this isn't a good memory, it keeps your memory alive. Also, I'm annoyed reading the awkward sentence structure, and mentally adding in details that I had to delete to keep the paper to 5 pages.
To anyone reading this, please call up your parents or caregivers and tell them you love them. It's horrible to think in a mindset like this, but you never know when the people you love will be taken from you. So make your last memory with them a good one.
I love you so much Mom. This goes without saying. But, I will always hold close in my heart what our last words to each other were.
Love your babydoll, Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)
Dear Mom,
George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with.
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season.
I just hope that wherever you are mom, that you are safe and happy. Holidays can be hard without you, but music like this gives me a smile. One of these years I will dig up our old ornaments, all of your stickhorse ones. But for now, I'll just listen to your main man's music, imagining us listening to him together in the car. Just like old times.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with.
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Flash. Little Moments.
Dear Mom,
Flash.
Summer before seventh grade. We are at Sally and Sara's (old) house. Sara, Amanda, and I are practicing singing "Angel" for luminaries. I can't even look at you because you have tears rolling, no, RACING, down your face. Tears of joy. Kathy laughs at this, because everyone knew how sentimental you are.
Flash.
Sophomore year. I am asking for family heirlooms for my Mr. Moore project. You're in your room, going through old jewelry, showing me old things of my grandmother. You then find your engagement ring, the gold rose one. I ask if I can have it, taking it away before you give me an answer. If we hadn't had that conversation, a few weeks later, I would not have known how important that piece of metal was, would not have held it close like I do now.
Flash.
Shannon's baby shower for Brody. You laughing at me and Sara while we eat the baby food. Watching you carefully write in her baby book.
Flash.
Every friday night. We were either out to dinner or shopping with Danny and Nancy, or over at Janet's house. Because it's against the rules to cook dinner on fridays.
Flash.
Single digit age. You rocking me singing "Rock a bye baby," rolling me to the floor when it got to "then down will come baby, cradle and all." Put on repeat for a good half hour, I can imagine. This goes along with me trying to sing the lyrics to Knickerbocker.
Flash.
Fruit salad. You made a lot of fruit salads.
Flash.
You were in the bathroom, showing off you "Ciara" perfume, and it was driving me nuts that you would NOT pronounce her name correctly. Little did you understand that you were wearing the perfume of someone with a song named "My Goodies."
Flash.
Seventh grade. You and Michelle were in the front seat (obviously) and Kayla and I in the back. Passed by Tres Pinos School after the 8th grade graduation, stating "hey, this will be us next year!" You and Michelle were not thrilled with this idea.
Flash.
Fourth grade dance classes. You would be sitting off to the side sewing my fairy halloween costume.
Flash.
Getting in the car after Shirley's funeral. Discussing how delighted we were with the reverend, agreeing that she would be the best choice for someone's funeral service. You saying "If we ever go to church, we are going to her's." Four months later, she was the reverend at your funeral for this very reason.
Flash.
Doing my sixth grade project about a musical artist, and doing it about George Strait. Interviewing you, learning about different concerts you've been to, how you've seen him when he was playing small shows in Salinas before he got big. Laughing at your starstruck face.
Flash.
Every Christmas or birthday. Always getting you some sort of jewelry. Usually a pin. And you wore them all, even the tacky ones.
Flash.
Barbie. I should have an entry by itself just for this story, I can't control my laughter remembering this for the first time in awhile. When you had died your hair this time, you and Janet were too busy watching Providence that you didn't rinse out your hair soon enough, so your hair turned out platinum blonde. The next day I walked behind you on the couch and was startled. You asked what was wrong and I replied "I thought you were Barbie!"
Flash.
Wasn't too long before it happened. I get a text from Danny asking what your middle name is, and you barge into my room, on the phone with Nancy, and say "DON'T TELL HER WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS!" And when you finally told them, they didn't believe you. I never got why you didn't like that name, it really isn't that awful. I guess that's why you went simple for mine, "nicole." It's hard to hate a name like that.
Flash.
Listening to you quietly attempt to sing in the car. I guess you weren't THAT bad but it was hard to know what your voice really sounded like if you never let me hear it.
Flash.
You burnt the sausage. I walk into the kitchen, which is almost completely black. Instead of turning off the stove, I run into the laundry room and scold you for trying to burn the house down. Because I am a helpful daughter.
Flash.
Your Christmas sweater. The black one with a pyramid of white teddy bears, reaching for a star.
Flash.
Every night since I was 2 or 3. The goodnight dialogue that never failed.
*Kissing cheek or forehead* Goodnight Mom.
Goodnight Baby Doll
See you in the morning
See you in the morning too
Love you
Love you too.
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
It's all the little things, all these little moments, that fill up my memory. I try and reflect, try and take time to remember. Because I will hate myself if I ever forget what you were like.
It's these little moments that I miss the most. The ones that in normal life would not make a difference to me. But now, it's all I have. And now, it's all I want. For all of these every day moments, to happen now.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Flash.
Summer before seventh grade. We are at Sally and Sara's (old) house. Sara, Amanda, and I are practicing singing "Angel" for luminaries. I can't even look at you because you have tears rolling, no, RACING, down your face. Tears of joy. Kathy laughs at this, because everyone knew how sentimental you are.
Flash.
Sophomore year. I am asking for family heirlooms for my Mr. Moore project. You're in your room, going through old jewelry, showing me old things of my grandmother. You then find your engagement ring, the gold rose one. I ask if I can have it, taking it away before you give me an answer. If we hadn't had that conversation, a few weeks later, I would not have known how important that piece of metal was, would not have held it close like I do now.
Flash.
Shannon's baby shower for Brody. You laughing at me and Sara while we eat the baby food. Watching you carefully write in her baby book.
Flash.
Every friday night. We were either out to dinner or shopping with Danny and Nancy, or over at Janet's house. Because it's against the rules to cook dinner on fridays.
Flash.
Single digit age. You rocking me singing "Rock a bye baby," rolling me to the floor when it got to "then down will come baby, cradle and all." Put on repeat for a good half hour, I can imagine. This goes along with me trying to sing the lyrics to Knickerbocker.
Flash.
Fruit salad. You made a lot of fruit salads.
Flash.
You were in the bathroom, showing off you "Ciara" perfume, and it was driving me nuts that you would NOT pronounce her name correctly. Little did you understand that you were wearing the perfume of someone with a song named "My Goodies."
Flash.
Seventh grade. You and Michelle were in the front seat (obviously) and Kayla and I in the back. Passed by Tres Pinos School after the 8th grade graduation, stating "hey, this will be us next year!" You and Michelle were not thrilled with this idea.
Flash.
Fourth grade dance classes. You would be sitting off to the side sewing my fairy halloween costume.
Flash.
Getting in the car after Shirley's funeral. Discussing how delighted we were with the reverend, agreeing that she would be the best choice for someone's funeral service. You saying "If we ever go to church, we are going to her's." Four months later, she was the reverend at your funeral for this very reason.
Flash.
Doing my sixth grade project about a musical artist, and doing it about George Strait. Interviewing you, learning about different concerts you've been to, how you've seen him when he was playing small shows in Salinas before he got big. Laughing at your starstruck face.
Flash.
Every Christmas or birthday. Always getting you some sort of jewelry. Usually a pin. And you wore them all, even the tacky ones.
Flash.
Barbie. I should have an entry by itself just for this story, I can't control my laughter remembering this for the first time in awhile. When you had died your hair this time, you and Janet were too busy watching Providence that you didn't rinse out your hair soon enough, so your hair turned out platinum blonde. The next day I walked behind you on the couch and was startled. You asked what was wrong and I replied "I thought you were Barbie!"
Flash.
Wasn't too long before it happened. I get a text from Danny asking what your middle name is, and you barge into my room, on the phone with Nancy, and say "DON'T TELL HER WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS!" And when you finally told them, they didn't believe you. I never got why you didn't like that name, it really isn't that awful. I guess that's why you went simple for mine, "nicole." It's hard to hate a name like that.
Flash.
Listening to you quietly attempt to sing in the car. I guess you weren't THAT bad but it was hard to know what your voice really sounded like if you never let me hear it.
Flash.
You burnt the sausage. I walk into the kitchen, which is almost completely black. Instead of turning off the stove, I run into the laundry room and scold you for trying to burn the house down. Because I am a helpful daughter.
Flash.
Your Christmas sweater. The black one with a pyramid of white teddy bears, reaching for a star.
Flash.
Every night since I was 2 or 3. The goodnight dialogue that never failed.
*Kissing cheek or forehead* Goodnight Mom.
Goodnight Baby Doll
See you in the morning
See you in the morning too
Love you
Love you too.
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
It's all the little things, all these little moments, that fill up my memory. I try and reflect, try and take time to remember. Because I will hate myself if I ever forget what you were like.
It's these little moments that I miss the most. The ones that in normal life would not make a difference to me. But now, it's all I have. And now, it's all I want. For all of these every day moments, to happen now.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, July 23, 2012
Mrs. Tess's Mom.
Dear Mom,
Awhile ago, Kayla looked through an old TP yearbook, and found this:
Awhile ago, Kayla looked through an old TP yearbook, and found this:
It makes me smile to see your handwriting. Especially since what you are writing is a (normal) smartass comment.
I remember being sad that when you taught math for my class, you hardly ever taught my group. I'm sure that was done on purpose; but I still thought it would be cool if you were my teacher.
All the kids loved you, which made me happy. Sorry, writer's block, I'm tired and can't form complete thoughts.
I'm trying to remember if it was Marshall who gave you your nickname? All I know is that you went along with it and loved helping out the class.
I guess I am too tired to think straight. Wish I had more to say but I guess this is all for now.
Love you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, July 9, 2012
"Your Mother and Mine."
Dear Mom,
I can't seem to get myself to sleep, because I have this song stuck in my head. This happened while trying to google "disney mom quotes" and this was the only thing that came up.
She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."
What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."
I never really listened to this song before. Now I will.
I miss you a lot mommy. Sorry I haven't updated this blog much. I've been meaning to do an update with my bone marrow stuff, but I keep forgetting. I will, soon.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
I can't seem to get myself to sleep, because I have this song stuck in my head. This happened while trying to google "disney mom quotes" and this was the only thing that came up.
She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."
What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."
I never really listened to this song before. Now I will.
I miss you a lot mommy. Sorry I haven't updated this blog much. I've been meaning to do an update with my bone marrow stuff, but I keep forgetting. I will, soon.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thankful.
Dear Mom,
This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted.
So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness.
I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me.
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo.
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed.
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school.
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself.
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything.
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better.
But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me.
You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted.
So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness.
I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me.
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo.
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed.
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school.
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself.
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything.
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better.
But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me.
You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Friday, April 20, 2012
My wish.
Dear Mom,
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."
I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing.
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy.
Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3
Love your Baby Doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."
I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing.
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy.
Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3
Love your Baby Doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Three years.
Dear Mom,
Okay. FIRST OF ALL. I would like to share with you a horrible and horrifying thing I just found out. First off, a "Pure Country 2" was made. They tried to make a sequel of this 1992 classic TWO YEARS AGO. Would you like to hear a synopsis?
"From the director of the 1992 hit Pure Country comes this heartwarming story of three angels who bestow the gift of song upon a young girl named Bobbie (Katrina Elam), who must learn to follow their rules if she wants to keep her extraordinary talent. As she grows up, Bobbie's voice brings her fame in the world of country music, but will she be able to regain her talent after her misbehavior causes the angels to take back their gift?"
Okay. FIRST OF ALL. I would like to share with you a horrible and horrifying thing I just found out. First off, a "Pure Country 2" was made. They tried to make a sequel of this 1992 classic TWO YEARS AGO. Would you like to hear a synopsis?
"From the director of the 1992 hit Pure Country comes this heartwarming story of three angels who bestow the gift of song upon a young girl named Bobbie (Katrina Elam), who must learn to follow their rules if she wants to keep her extraordinary talent. As she grows up, Bobbie's voice brings her fame in the world of country music, but will she be able to regain her talent after her misbehavior causes the angels to take back their gift?"
....Okay what the hell is that crap?? Angels? I really wish I could have shared this moment with you in person. This movie has George Strait in it... as himself... not as Dusty... So.... they basically just used the movie title for people to see the movie, but it has NOTHING to do with Pure Country. Just the same country star and director. People these days.... this is just a disgrace!
Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours.
You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long.
I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much.
How about we move to a happier point.
Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours.
You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long.
I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much.
How about we move to a happier point.
To me, it's all about the little things that get added up. Like this picture. It seems more than a coincidence that we took this photo together 3 or 4 months before you died, when the next recent picture is from when I graduated the 8th grade. It just makes me smile that I have this. So many people will look at this and say that I look just like you. To me, this picture just proves how much prettier than me you are. Seriously, I can't believe you smiled your real amazing smile for this picture. It makes me so happy that I can keep this picture forever. Every time I look at it, I can see everything that made us, us. It shows our inseparable love.
Maybe instead of feeling sad, I can feel lucky. I can brag about the mom I have that exceeds anyone's expectations of a "good person." I know you're shaking your head at me, but it's true. Losing you wasn't just hard for me; everyone lost you. I still feel weird seeing other people being seamstresses for shows, and you're not with them. You affected so many lives, Mom. No one else could ever compare to you.
So yeah, I am lucky. I know that. And maybe I shouldn't feel especially sad today. I mean, I can get sad year round. But it's hard thinking about where I was 3 years ago. By this time I was told you weren't going to make it through the night. It's just not the greatest thing to think about over again. Yet, I continue to do so. It's hard not to.
Sorry, I keep going back and forth between happy and sad, but that's just how I work in times like these I guess. You make me the happiest person in the world. Which also can make me feel like the saddest person in the world, knowing you're gone.
I love you so much Mom. I can never say it enough. Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But sometimes life just makes you live through the nightmares I guess.
Alright, now it's midnight, officially the worst date of the year. I wish you were here with me. I wish I was home.
But for now, I think it's time that I snuggle in your old clothes, and try to have good dreams tonight.
Goodnight mommy. I miss you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Surprise trip.
Dear Mom,
This is going to be a quick entry since I should be in bed. But I had a really strange dream last night. Or strange enough for me to still remember it now.
So Sara was all packed up to go to Disneyland, and she informed me that I was going too. Sweet right? But she was being all secretive, like she was hiding something. As I was about to make a call to ask permission to go, all of a sudden we were at disneyland. Sara. Me. And you.
It was the best surprise in the world.
I don't remember much after that. I just remember cuddling with you, watching the fireworks. You were so happy being there with me. And I just couldn't believe that you were there with me, at the happiest place on earth. Of course, now any place with you could be the happiest place in the entire universe.
I woke up feeling warm and comforted like no other. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning later, that I got a hit of sadness, wishing that it was real.
Nevertheless, I like it when you check up on me like that in my dreams. Of course I wish I could see you in real life. But if seeing you in my dreams is the only option, then I'll take it.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
This is going to be a quick entry since I should be in bed. But I had a really strange dream last night. Or strange enough for me to still remember it now.
So Sara was all packed up to go to Disneyland, and she informed me that I was going too. Sweet right? But she was being all secretive, like she was hiding something. As I was about to make a call to ask permission to go, all of a sudden we were at disneyland. Sara. Me. And you.
It was the best surprise in the world.
I don't remember much after that. I just remember cuddling with you, watching the fireworks. You were so happy being there with me. And I just couldn't believe that you were there with me, at the happiest place on earth. Of course, now any place with you could be the happiest place in the entire universe.
I woke up feeling warm and comforted like no other. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning later, that I got a hit of sadness, wishing that it was real.
Nevertheless, I like it when you check up on me like that in my dreams. Of course I wish I could see you in real life. But if seeing you in my dreams is the only option, then I'll take it.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
A heart of gold.
Dear Mom,
I thought of this entry about a week ago, so i finally got out pen and paper and spilled it all out. Kind of rusty and at a writer's block, so this is the best I could do.
I own something very special
Something I wear over my heart
This isn't just a chunk of gold
But something which I will never part.
I usually call it a locket,
Even though a picture it does not store
Inside this necklace is a piece of someone,
So she can be with me even more.
I chose the rose because of her ring
another item i hold dear
To me, a rose stands for beauty
It stands for her; makes her still be here
On the back, it's engraved
in an appropriate broadway font.
I really can't wait to see her in that musical in the sky.
To see her happy in heaven, that's what I want.
I wear her each and every day
over my heart, where she belongs.
When I'm nervous, I rub it and hold her close
listening and feeling for her warmth, her song.
I miss my mommy every day
but I know I'm lucky, having this heart of gold.
Even if she's away in another place
I will still have a piece of her that I can always hold.
I thought of this entry about a week ago, so i finally got out pen and paper and spilled it all out. Kind of rusty and at a writer's block, so this is the best I could do.
I own something very special
Something I wear over my heart
This isn't just a chunk of gold
But something which I will never part.
I usually call it a locket,
Even though a picture it does not store
Inside this necklace is a piece of someone,
So she can be with me even more.
I chose the rose because of her ring
another item i hold dear
To me, a rose stands for beauty
It stands for her; makes her still be here
On the back, it's engraved
in an appropriate broadway font.
I really can't wait to see her in that musical in the sky.
To see her happy in heaven, that's what I want.
I wear her each and every day
over my heart, where she belongs.
When I'm nervous, I rub it and hold her close
listening and feeling for her warmth, her song.
I miss my mommy every day
but I know I'm lucky, having this heart of gold.
Even if she's away in another place
I will still have a piece of her that I can always hold.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, March 12, 2012
Missing you, and everything else.
Dear Mom,
Today when I was taking a glorious nap, I had a dream. It was of course a random dream, and had nothing to do with you. I was lost at an airport with some friends, and all I remember is thinking about a zebra, and thinking of you, then I started crying. (In the dream.) It made no sense.
It kind of carried on over to real life though. Of course I miss you all the time, but I guess it took a random dream to remind me again. When I woke up from the dream, all I wanted was to cuddle with you.
You're not the only one I miss. Sometimes I feel far away from some of my closest friends. It's really hard to not communicate with people you used to talk to all the time. I wish I knew how to fix that.
This is a weird sense of loneliness. Some people I feel closer to than I would have ever imagined. But maybe that's because I had to fill in space for the ones who decided to replace me.
When I miss you, I get into thinking mode, and start thinking about everything in a gloomy and critical light. I guess that's what makes this blog good for me.
So now I am going to go to sleep, and wake up to a brand new day. (It's hard to say that without cringing since I absolutely despise Mondays.)
I love you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Today when I was taking a glorious nap, I had a dream. It was of course a random dream, and had nothing to do with you. I was lost at an airport with some friends, and all I remember is thinking about a zebra, and thinking of you, then I started crying. (In the dream.) It made no sense.
It kind of carried on over to real life though. Of course I miss you all the time, but I guess it took a random dream to remind me again. When I woke up from the dream, all I wanted was to cuddle with you.
You're not the only one I miss. Sometimes I feel far away from some of my closest friends. It's really hard to not communicate with people you used to talk to all the time. I wish I knew how to fix that.
This is a weird sense of loneliness. Some people I feel closer to than I would have ever imagined. But maybe that's because I had to fill in space for the ones who decided to replace me.
When I miss you, I get into thinking mode, and start thinking about everything in a gloomy and critical light. I guess that's what makes this blog good for me.
So now I am going to go to sleep, and wake up to a brand new day. (It's hard to say that without cringing since I absolutely despise Mondays.)
I love you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Monday, February 27, 2012
Kindness, generosity, selflessness. What's in a word?
Dear Mom,
Today in CAD we discussed in groups what traits we felt were passed down to us from the people around us in our lives. I said "putting others before myself." I didn't like the word generosity because I felt it wasn't specific enough, and selfless is a loaded word. But that's the first trait I think of when I think of you, and I would like to think that I possess that as well.
People have always told me that you were one of the nicest people they had ever met, that you had a big heart, that you helped people without a second thought. I have always admired that about you. I don't think I ever took for granted you were always so involved in my life, and with the people around me. I was always happy to see you there, giving others your smiling face, willing to make their day somehow better. That was just who you were.
Sometimes I laugh at myself at how much I look up to you. It's as if I only see you in a positive light. Which, of course, is not bad. But I guess now that you're gone, it's hard to remember that you weren't perfect. (No one is, of course. I hate that word.) But I just can't be mad at you. It's impossible. That may sound really weird to think about... but I just think it's funny that I look up to you as if you're this flawless god; that guardian angel looking over me. I guess it's really cool we will never have a fight ever again, right?
If I were to ever be mad at you, it would be that I'm sad you never asked for help. I don't want to get into this, but I just remember how that last week went, and how it took you a week to see a doctor, when I think deep down you knew something was wrong. Because of that, I finally taught myself to learn to ask others for help. I'm glad I learned from your mistakes.
Wow, talk about a random post. That's just how my mind is floating around, being sick and stressed and all. (Ha, I just hiccuped. I always think of you when I do.) I guess all I am trying to say, is that I am glad that you were such a selfless person. You were the best role model me, and because of you, I set standards for myself to try and be like that myself.
Love your Baby Doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Today in CAD we discussed in groups what traits we felt were passed down to us from the people around us in our lives. I said "putting others before myself." I didn't like the word generosity because I felt it wasn't specific enough, and selfless is a loaded word. But that's the first trait I think of when I think of you, and I would like to think that I possess that as well.
People have always told me that you were one of the nicest people they had ever met, that you had a big heart, that you helped people without a second thought. I have always admired that about you. I don't think I ever took for granted you were always so involved in my life, and with the people around me. I was always happy to see you there, giving others your smiling face, willing to make their day somehow better. That was just who you were.
Sometimes I laugh at myself at how much I look up to you. It's as if I only see you in a positive light. Which, of course, is not bad. But I guess now that you're gone, it's hard to remember that you weren't perfect. (No one is, of course. I hate that word.) But I just can't be mad at you. It's impossible. That may sound really weird to think about... but I just think it's funny that I look up to you as if you're this flawless god; that guardian angel looking over me. I guess it's really cool we will never have a fight ever again, right?
If I were to ever be mad at you, it would be that I'm sad you never asked for help. I don't want to get into this, but I just remember how that last week went, and how it took you a week to see a doctor, when I think deep down you knew something was wrong. Because of that, I finally taught myself to learn to ask others for help. I'm glad I learned from your mistakes.
Wow, talk about a random post. That's just how my mind is floating around, being sick and stressed and all. (Ha, I just hiccuped. I always think of you when I do.) I guess all I am trying to say, is that I am glad that you were such a selfless person. You were the best role model me, and because of you, I set standards for myself to try and be like that myself.
Love your Baby Doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Bravery.
Dear Mom,
So I hope no one gets offended with what I am about to rant about, but I feel this is something I want to say. This is important to me, and I want you and everyone to understand something.
Recently I have been officially registered into the Be the Match registry, to hopefully match with someone someday who needs donations of my bone marrow or PBSC. This is really important to me, and I have been wanting to do it ever since I turned 18. I am glad that I have finally done it, and soon my official card will be in the mail.
Now. I have talked about this on Facebook a little bit, and people have told me numerous times that they are "proud of me" and that "I am so brave."
Truth is? I'm not brave.
Some people think I am crazy for going through with it, because the procedure is painful, I would be in recovery for a week, etc.
Yeah? So what.
I am not the brave one. The brave ones are all the people who need the blood stell cells and bone marrow, the people who are fighting their battles of cancer. They have a daily battle of dealing with this terrible disease. How am I brave for getting one procedure done? Actually, how am I brave, when there's a microscopic chance I will ever match with anyone else in my lifetime?
And how am I crazy for wanting to do this? Why should I care if it will hurt? I would be saving someone's life! After donating, I can live my life perfectly fine, the way I always have. While they need my donation to hopefully save them from their life-threatening disease. There is no comparison to the short-lived recovery period I would go through, with their battle of cancer.
I'm sorry if this comes off strong, but I just feel in my heart that I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. EVERYONE should be doing this. Only 1 out of 540 registered members actually get to make a donation to a patient. If more people were registered, more matches could be made, and more lives could be saved. This is just a no-brainer to me. I am doing this because I should. And because I can.
Mom, if you had to die from your battle of Leukemia, why should I even think twice about trying to save someone else from their battle? It's something I have to do.
I love you Mom. Thank you for inspiring me.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
p.s. For anyone I may have inspired, the link for registering to donate is: http://marrow.org/Home.aspx
So I hope no one gets offended with what I am about to rant about, but I feel this is something I want to say. This is important to me, and I want you and everyone to understand something.
Recently I have been officially registered into the Be the Match registry, to hopefully match with someone someday who needs donations of my bone marrow or PBSC. This is really important to me, and I have been wanting to do it ever since I turned 18. I am glad that I have finally done it, and soon my official card will be in the mail.
Now. I have talked about this on Facebook a little bit, and people have told me numerous times that they are "proud of me" and that "I am so brave."
Truth is? I'm not brave.
Some people think I am crazy for going through with it, because the procedure is painful, I would be in recovery for a week, etc.
Yeah? So what.
I am not the brave one. The brave ones are all the people who need the blood stell cells and bone marrow, the people who are fighting their battles of cancer. They have a daily battle of dealing with this terrible disease. How am I brave for getting one procedure done? Actually, how am I brave, when there's a microscopic chance I will ever match with anyone else in my lifetime?
And how am I crazy for wanting to do this? Why should I care if it will hurt? I would be saving someone's life! After donating, I can live my life perfectly fine, the way I always have. While they need my donation to hopefully save them from their life-threatening disease. There is no comparison to the short-lived recovery period I would go through, with their battle of cancer.
I'm sorry if this comes off strong, but I just feel in my heart that I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. EVERYONE should be doing this. Only 1 out of 540 registered members actually get to make a donation to a patient. If more people were registered, more matches could be made, and more lives could be saved. This is just a no-brainer to me. I am doing this because I should. And because I can.
Mom, if you had to die from your battle of Leukemia, why should I even think twice about trying to save someone else from their battle? It's something I have to do.
I love you Mom. Thank you for inspiring me.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
p.s. For anyone I may have inspired, the link for registering to donate is: http://marrow.org/Home.aspx
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