Okay. FIRST OF ALL. I would like to share with you a horrible and horrifying thing I just found out. First off, a "Pure Country 2" was made. They tried to make a sequel of this 1992 classic TWO YEARS AGO. Would you like to hear a synopsis?
"From the director of the 1992 hit Pure Country comes this heartwarming story of three angels who bestow the gift of song upon a young girl named Bobbie (Katrina Elam), who must learn to follow their rules if she wants to keep her extraordinary talent. As she grows up, Bobbie's voice brings her fame in the world of country music, but will she be able to regain her talent after her misbehavior causes the angels to take back their gift?"
....Okay what the hell is that crap?? Angels? I really wish I could have shared this moment with you in person. This movie has George Strait in it... as himself... not as Dusty... So.... they basically just used the movie title for people to see the movie, but it has NOTHING to do with Pure Country. Just the same country star and director. People these days.... this is just a disgrace!
Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours.
You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long.
I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much.
How about we move to a happier point.
Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours.
You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long.
I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much.
How about we move to a happier point.
To me, it's all about the little things that get added up. Like this picture. It seems more than a coincidence that we took this photo together 3 or 4 months before you died, when the next recent picture is from when I graduated the 8th grade. It just makes me smile that I have this. So many people will look at this and say that I look just like you. To me, this picture just proves how much prettier than me you are. Seriously, I can't believe you smiled your real amazing smile for this picture. It makes me so happy that I can keep this picture forever. Every time I look at it, I can see everything that made us, us. It shows our inseparable love.
Maybe instead of feeling sad, I can feel lucky. I can brag about the mom I have that exceeds anyone's expectations of a "good person." I know you're shaking your head at me, but it's true. Losing you wasn't just hard for me; everyone lost you. I still feel weird seeing other people being seamstresses for shows, and you're not with them. You affected so many lives, Mom. No one else could ever compare to you.
So yeah, I am lucky. I know that. And maybe I shouldn't feel especially sad today. I mean, I can get sad year round. But it's hard thinking about where I was 3 years ago. By this time I was told you weren't going to make it through the night. It's just not the greatest thing to think about over again. Yet, I continue to do so. It's hard not to.
Sorry, I keep going back and forth between happy and sad, but that's just how I work in times like these I guess. You make me the happiest person in the world. Which also can make me feel like the saddest person in the world, knowing you're gone.
I love you so much Mom. I can never say it enough. Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But sometimes life just makes you live through the nightmares I guess.
Alright, now it's midnight, officially the worst date of the year. I wish you were here with me. I wish I was home.
But for now, I think it's time that I snuggle in your old clothes, and try to have good dreams tonight.
Goodnight mommy. I miss you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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