2,365 Days

Dear Mom, 

2,365 days. 
2,365 days. 
Six years, five months, 21 days. 
Nope, still doesn't settle well. 
337 weeks
56,760 hours
3,405,600 minutes
204,336,000 seconds. 

2,359 days since your funeral, 
and I still cry on cue to "You Raise Me Up."
2 seconds into the violin intro,
tears surface, my heart falls.

2,365 days since you left me,
I watch a sad movie,
and for the first time in weeks I cry over you.

2,365 days
and I lose it
because I don't remember you the way I used to.
You're merely a memory
I am ashamed.

2,365 days,
and I still hate cancer for taking you.

2,365 days,
and even though I am proud of the woman I have become,
it kills me to know I am doing this without you.

8,158 days later,
and I am still your little girl
your "babydoll."

And another angel gets her wings.

Dear Mom,

Tonight, I am heartbroken
for the loss of someone I never met
She was an answer to my prayers
She helped replace earlier grief, with hope
Those dreams have shattered

Tonight, I am angry
at the disease that has already taken my world away
It stole my parent
It now has stolen someone part of me
"Leukemia" has gone too far. 

Tonight, I am confused
because this was never supposed to happen
I didn't know she wasn't recovering
I didn't anticipate this kind of pain
Shock doesn't begin to cover it

Tonight, I am numb
because this all too overwhelming
I know I added time to her to her life
I know I have made many impacts
Soon I will see this, but for now I will grieve. 




Rest in paradise, my dear bone marrow recipient. I always dreamed of meeting you, with your whole family. I never thought this day would come so soon when I would have to mourn your loss. I cannot imagine what your family is going through so close to the holidays (assuming this happened recently.) I am sorry you were not able to win your battle. 

I hope you and my recipient are able to meet in Heaven, mom. Although it hurts that this disease has affected me, and people in general, so much.... I know that she is no longer suffering. If she wasn't able to win her battle, then it was her time to be relieved of the pain she had been going through. I know that. And I am grateful. 

I love you, Mom. Today's news has made me miss you more than ever. I wish you were here to comfort me. At one point when I was crying tonight, I blew up into full on sobs; old grief creeping up on me, old feelings returning. I know in either case, there was nothing I could do. Your health was in no way my control. It was up to fate what would happen, and unfortunately it was not and ending anyone expected. I wish I could change it, but I can't. 




Love you, Mom. Please help me get through this. 



                Love your babydoll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Haunting senses

Dear Mom,

The smell of chicken pot pie
Stacks of books all over the living room 
The Law and Order theme song 2 evenings a week
Scrambled eggs. Haven't had them that tasted like your's since. 
The smell of your perfume. Either raspberry or the musty one. 
George Strait playing while cleaning the house
Your soft and warm touch. 
The sweet wonderful taste of your chocolate cream pie. 
The pop and fizz of getting your diet decaf coke
Putting my hand against your's to show how small your's were. And how giant mine are. 
Watching your head fly back in one of your explosions of laughter.
The sound of your sewing machine late at night
The smell of fresh baked cookies every Christmas. 
Cuddling into your bed in the middle of the night for a very long phase
"Great Job Babydoll!"
All five senses
Filling me with joy, or haunting me with the "used to's"
Late night nostalgia, tucking me in at night
And I pretend you are right here 
with me. 



               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Visions of Paradise.

Dear Mom,

Mom, what's it like in Heaven?
Do you sleep on a cloud?
Is it quiet, or loud?
Do you get a gorgeous view
of the world, and what's around you?

Mom, what was it like when you got there?
Did you wait in line?
Did you feel at home and just fine?
Were you welcomed with love
from all the others up above?

Mom, do you ever watch us down here?
Do you smile when we do?
Do you still laugh with me, too?
Can I still make you proud
and do things that leave you wowed? 

Mom, can you do me a favor? 
Will you continue to watch over me?
See me grow into who I want to be?
And when my time comes, will you wait?
Save me a spot, in case I'm late. 



                Love your baby doll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

Your gift

Dear Mom,

Two posts in one day! Aren't you lucky?
Alright, this is one of my tribute posts. About a year and a half ago, I posted one of my favorite pictures of you, the one with you holding a doll. Your beauty ceases to amaze me. Seriously, you are so angelic in that photo. 
Anyway, Jeremy Chase posted a comment on that photo. That little booger posted one of the most heartfelt pieces of writing ever written to me. I immediately typed it out on a word doc with the photo, printed it out, and it's been hanging in my room back home ever since. 
So, obviously I was going to post it here. I just didn't realize I hadn't done so already. 

Dec 11 2011
Looking at this doll, she knew someday that God would send her a gift. To be a mother, a carer, a provider, a friend.
She knew what would come would be a big grand adventure.
And girl was she right.
Most days were filled with laughter, some with tears, but she never feared 'cause happiness was just around the corner.
Unfortunately, there was a sad time in all our lives, when she had to pass on
She was taken, but is not gone, for she lives through every person see knew
And the best thing she left us on this earth was her gift, which was you.
By: Jeremy Chase.

Yeah, he's a pretty special dude. I realize more and more how thankful I am for him. One of the BEST things that came out of being best friends with Nathan was getting close with his family, especially Joome.

Sorry Jeremy. I try not to be all cutesy cutesy because I know you dislike it. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate our friendship, and that I am forever grateful to have you in my life. Thank you. <3

So Mom, I think both of today's posts prove something very special:

I have amazing people in my life. With them, the hard times are very much cushioned. And I know you know I am in safe hands down here. I have just been extra thankful lately. 

                 Love your babydoll,

                 Tessy Loo Loo

Little snake bites.

Dear Mom,

I had a thought to write a poem about this, since it has to do with one of the best days of my life. 

Three months ago I experienced a miracle                 
Something very few get to do.
I was someone's chosen one, to save her life
To give her a beginning anew.

It was a scary day in the hospital
Not comfortable with all the pricking.
The side effects to my meds were peaking
and to be honest, it was horribly sickening

As much as I wanted it to be over
I wanted to time to stop
I needed to forever remember this day
No further moment could ever top.

I went home feeling better
And I was so proud of what I did
I couldn't believe I made a difference
Maybe I wasn't just a kid.

I looked down at my hand and saw
where the IV attempts left their spots
two on my hand, two on my wrist
Once I was connected, now just dots.

Reflecting on this day makes me smile
those little snakebites still show
barely visible, but still there
for me to look down, and know. 

I know what I did that day
I know my dream came true
I know I was able to save someone
and I know I did what I was destined to do. 



I kind of hope these marks stay forever. Although I don't particularly like scars, these little snakebites of mine would definitely be an exception. 
Love you Mom. Forever and ever. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Seems like yesterday.

Dear Mom,


Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well. 


Brand new shoes. 
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume


Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever


We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?


I get out of the car, 
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future


High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.


Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash


Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.


I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop


If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much


No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all


So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?




                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

A heart of gold.

Dear Mom,


I thought of this entry about a week ago, so i  finally got out pen and paper and spilled it all out. Kind of rusty and at a writer's block, so this is the best I could do. 

I own something very special
Something I wear over my heart
This isn't just a chunk of gold
But something which I will never part.


I usually call it a locket,
Even though a picture it does not store
Inside this necklace is a piece of someone,
So she can be with me even more.


I chose the rose because of her ring
another item i hold dear
To me, a rose stands for beauty
It stands for her; makes her still be here


On the back, it's engraved
in an appropriate broadway font.
I really can't wait to see her in that musical in the sky.
To see her happy in heaven, that's what I want.


I wear her each and every day
over my heart, where she belongs.
When I'm nervous, I rub it and hold her close
listening and feeling for her warmth, her song.


I miss my mommy every day
but I know I'm lucky, having this heart of gold.
Even if she's away in another place
I will still have a piece of her that I can always hold.

              Love your baby doll, 

               Tessy Loo Loo

Love Heals.

Dear Mom, 

I wish I thought about you more

But sometimes, it's too hard.

It's easier to be strong, and to be at peace.

I'm so thankful you're in a better place

Where you can always watch me grow

If you were here, I wouldn't stand to see your heart break

with me being away at school.

I constantly get this feeling

I feel, you.

Your hands are on my shoulders

You're kissing me on the cheek

You're telling me you're here

Even though you aren't.

Lately I've had this obsession with babies

and I know it's because of you.

I long to have my own daughter,

so I can love my own baby girl

and give her what you gave me

Love heals.

Even though you're gone,

the love you gave me stronger.

you help me heal.

you help me grow.

I'm so lucky to have you as my mom

and I'm even luckier 

to have you as my guardian angel. <3

                                                                   Your Baby Doll,

              Tessy Loo-Loo.