Dear Mom,
2,365 days.
2,365 days.
Six years, five months, 21 days.
Nope, still doesn't settle well.
337 weeks
56,760 hours
3,405,600 minutes
204,336,000 seconds.
2,359 days since your funeral,
and I still cry on cue to "You Raise Me Up."
2 seconds into the violin intro,
tears surface, my heart falls.
2,365 days since you left me,
I watch a sad movie,
and for the first time in weeks I cry over you.
2,365 days
and I lose it
because I don't remember you the way I used to.
You're merely a memory
I am ashamed.
2,365 days,
and I still hate cancer for taking you.
2,365 days,
and even though I am proud of the woman I have become,
it kills me to know I am doing this without you.
8,158 days later,
and I am still your little girl
your "babydoll."
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Friday, December 13, 2013
And another angel gets her wings.
Dear Mom,
Tonight, I am heartbroken
for the loss of someone I never met
She was an answer to my prayers
She helped replace earlier grief, with hope
Those dreams have shattered
Tonight, I am angry
at the disease that has already taken my world away
It stole my parent
It now has stolen someone part of me
"Leukemia" has gone too far.
Tonight, I am confused
because this was never supposed to happen
I didn't know she wasn't recovering
I didn't anticipate this kind of pain
Shock doesn't begin to cover it
Tonight, I am numb
because this all too overwhelming
I know I added time to her to her life
I know I have made many impacts
Soon I will see this, but for now I will grieve.
Rest in paradise, my dear bone marrow recipient. I always dreamed of meeting you, with your whole family. I never thought this day would come so soon when I would have to mourn your loss. I cannot imagine what your family is going through so close to the holidays (assuming this happened recently.) I am sorry you were not able to win your battle.
I hope you and my recipient are able to meet in Heaven, mom. Although it hurts that this disease has affected me, and people in general, so much.... I know that she is no longer suffering. If she wasn't able to win her battle, then it was her time to be relieved of the pain she had been going through. I know that. And I am grateful.
I love you, Mom. Today's news has made me miss you more than ever. I wish you were here to comfort me. At one point when I was crying tonight, I blew up into full on sobs; old grief creeping up on me, old feelings returning. I know in either case, there was nothing I could do. Your health was in no way my control. It was up to fate what would happen, and unfortunately it was not and ending anyone expected. I wish I could change it, but I can't.
Love you, Mom. Please help me get through this.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tonight, I am heartbroken
for the loss of someone I never met
She was an answer to my prayers
She helped replace earlier grief, with hope
Those dreams have shattered
Tonight, I am angry
at the disease that has already taken my world away
It stole my parent
It now has stolen someone part of me
"Leukemia" has gone too far.
Tonight, I am confused
because this was never supposed to happen
I didn't know she wasn't recovering
I didn't anticipate this kind of pain
Shock doesn't begin to cover it
Tonight, I am numb
because this all too overwhelming
I know I added time to her to her life
I know I have made many impacts
Soon I will see this, but for now I will grieve.
Rest in paradise, my dear bone marrow recipient. I always dreamed of meeting you, with your whole family. I never thought this day would come so soon when I would have to mourn your loss. I cannot imagine what your family is going through so close to the holidays (assuming this happened recently.) I am sorry you were not able to win your battle.
I hope you and my recipient are able to meet in Heaven, mom. Although it hurts that this disease has affected me, and people in general, so much.... I know that she is no longer suffering. If she wasn't able to win her battle, then it was her time to be relieved of the pain she had been going through. I know that. And I am grateful.
I love you, Mom. Today's news has made me miss you more than ever. I wish you were here to comfort me. At one point when I was crying tonight, I blew up into full on sobs; old grief creeping up on me, old feelings returning. I know in either case, there was nothing I could do. Your health was in no way my control. It was up to fate what would happen, and unfortunately it was not and ending anyone expected. I wish I could change it, but I can't.
Love you, Mom. Please help me get through this.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
So Magical.
Dear Mom,
This past weekend was Relay for Life, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. It may have been one of the best years ever! I had an amazing time welcoming new team mates, and spending time with old ones. I just love the atmosphere of relay: our whole town coming together for one cause.
Relay was even more special this year because Katie attended! I could tell how much fun she was having. She made herself right at home! I am glad she was able to experience such an amazing organization.
Another reason why Relay was so special this year was because I did a speech during the fight back ceremony. I wrote it out a couple weeks in advance, and worked on it until it was perfect. I poured my whole heart out into it because I knew that would be the only way to reach out to people. So, here it is.
When faced with tragedy, I am sure that many will agree, that one small 3 letter word tends come up. Why. Why me? Why did the unimaginable have to happen? It has been over 4 years since my mother passed away from Leukemia, and I still find myself asking that very question. But it is that very question that led me to the journey of a lifetime. C. S. Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary adventure.” I wish I could have trademarked that quote myself, because that’s exactly how I would describe the recent events in my life.
When my mom passed away, my whole life turned upside down, and it took a long time for me to feel happy and find a new normal. Even though I was healing, I still couldn’t help asking, why. I couldn’t accept the fact that “these things just happen” and that “cancer is a horrible disease.” I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Even though I have supported Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society for many years, and now with a Team for my mom, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a direct part of the cause, I needed to find an answer to that “why.” Somewhere along the way while researching Leukemia, I came across the Be the Match Registry. After looking through their website for a few minutes, I was determined. When I turned 18, I was going to be a registered bone marrow donor.
I talked to some people about it, and many were concerned that I was making such a decision. “You know it hurts, right?” “It feels like a horse kicked you for a week.” But to me, I look at it like this. By donating bone marrow, I would probably go through a few days of pain. Cancer patients go through months, even years of battle. So what’s a few days of pain to someone who’s life is on the line? My mom passed away about 12 hours after her initial diagnosis. She had no chance of living. Who am I to not try and give someone else their chance?
Most registered donors go their whole lives without getting a call saying that could be a possible match for a patient with a life-threatening blood disease. Yet, I donated bone marrow to a complete stranger 8 months after I signed up for the registry. What people don’t know is that most donations are not done surgically anymore. I was able to do a peripheral blood stem cell donation. I was given drug injections to boost my stem cell count for four days in the comfort of my own home. My stem cells were collected on the fifth day, and it took about 7 hours to complete the process. It was kind of like donating blood at a blood drive, but longer and more precise. And no, it didn’t feel like a horse kicked me. The collection was sent off and transfused to my donor the next day. So with 5 days of drug injections that gave me flu-like side effects and minor muscle and bone aches, and 7 hours in a hospital, I was able to give someone a second chance at life. I’m like most people; I hate hospitals, and even now I still hate needles flinch when I get a blood test. But that didn’t stop me. Out of all the donors in the nation, I was the one who matched her. To be a direct part of someone else’s life like that, is the most empowering feeling imaginable.
So while all this was happening, someone else in my life was going a different direction on the same street. A couple weeks after I was told I was a match to my recipient, my good friend Katie Thompson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was devastated that this disease had closely affected someone else in my life. It was later determined that she would also need a bone marrow transplant. Luckily her sister was a match for her, and their donation day was a month after mine. It bewilders me the way our lives have paralleled, but in a way it has made us a huge support system for each other. Katie experienced her first Relay for Life this weekend, rocking her purple shirt with pride. She has been in remission for over a year and hasn’t needed a blood transfusion in two months. She is living proof that miracles do happen, and bone marrow transplants are life-changing.
If even one person goes home today and signs up for the Be the Match Registry, I know I have done my job. A lot of people are scared to sign up, or don’t even know to do it. I am here today to tell you, that you CAN do it. People make it sound like it’s scarier than it really is. I can speak from experience and say it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s inspiring. Not only that, but the staff with Be the Match go above and beyond to take care of their donors. I didn’t have to pay for a cent, from the pre-donation physical exam to gas money to go to the hospital. They take care of you, since you’re the one saving a life and everything it would only make sense.
Although I still don’t know the answer to my “why,” I am comforted. Because even though I couldn’t save my mom, I might have saved someone else’s. And that gives me my purpose in life. To inspire others to sign up to try to do the very same thing! You don’t need to experience tragedy to sign up, you don’t need to be a hero; you can just do it. Because you have the power to make a difference. You have the power to save a life.
This past weekend was Relay for Life, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. It may have been one of the best years ever! I had an amazing time welcoming new team mates, and spending time with old ones. I just love the atmosphere of relay: our whole town coming together for one cause.
Relay was even more special this year because Katie attended! I could tell how much fun she was having. She made herself right at home! I am glad she was able to experience such an amazing organization.
Another reason why Relay was so special this year was because I did a speech during the fight back ceremony. I wrote it out a couple weeks in advance, and worked on it until it was perfect. I poured my whole heart out into it because I knew that would be the only way to reach out to people. So, here it is.
When faced with tragedy, I am sure that many will agree, that one small 3 letter word tends come up. Why. Why me? Why did the unimaginable have to happen? It has been over 4 years since my mother passed away from Leukemia, and I still find myself asking that very question. But it is that very question that led me to the journey of a lifetime. C. S. Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary adventure.” I wish I could have trademarked that quote myself, because that’s exactly how I would describe the recent events in my life.
When my mom passed away, my whole life turned upside down, and it took a long time for me to feel happy and find a new normal. Even though I was healing, I still couldn’t help asking, why. I couldn’t accept the fact that “these things just happen” and that “cancer is a horrible disease.” I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Even though I have supported Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society for many years, and now with a Team for my mom, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a direct part of the cause, I needed to find an answer to that “why.” Somewhere along the way while researching Leukemia, I came across the Be the Match Registry. After looking through their website for a few minutes, I was determined. When I turned 18, I was going to be a registered bone marrow donor.
I talked to some people about it, and many were concerned that I was making such a decision. “You know it hurts, right?” “It feels like a horse kicked you for a week.” But to me, I look at it like this. By donating bone marrow, I would probably go through a few days of pain. Cancer patients go through months, even years of battle. So what’s a few days of pain to someone who’s life is on the line? My mom passed away about 12 hours after her initial diagnosis. She had no chance of living. Who am I to not try and give someone else their chance?
Most registered donors go their whole lives without getting a call saying that could be a possible match for a patient with a life-threatening blood disease. Yet, I donated bone marrow to a complete stranger 8 months after I signed up for the registry. What people don’t know is that most donations are not done surgically anymore. I was able to do a peripheral blood stem cell donation. I was given drug injections to boost my stem cell count for four days in the comfort of my own home. My stem cells were collected on the fifth day, and it took about 7 hours to complete the process. It was kind of like donating blood at a blood drive, but longer and more precise. And no, it didn’t feel like a horse kicked me. The collection was sent off and transfused to my donor the next day. So with 5 days of drug injections that gave me flu-like side effects and minor muscle and bone aches, and 7 hours in a hospital, I was able to give someone a second chance at life. I’m like most people; I hate hospitals, and even now I still hate needles flinch when I get a blood test. But that didn’t stop me. Out of all the donors in the nation, I was the one who matched her. To be a direct part of someone else’s life like that, is the most empowering feeling imaginable.
So while all this was happening, someone else in my life was going a different direction on the same street. A couple weeks after I was told I was a match to my recipient, my good friend Katie Thompson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was devastated that this disease had closely affected someone else in my life. It was later determined that she would also need a bone marrow transplant. Luckily her sister was a match for her, and their donation day was a month after mine. It bewilders me the way our lives have paralleled, but in a way it has made us a huge support system for each other. Katie experienced her first Relay for Life this weekend, rocking her purple shirt with pride. She has been in remission for over a year and hasn’t needed a blood transfusion in two months. She is living proof that miracles do happen, and bone marrow transplants are life-changing.
If even one person goes home today and signs up for the Be the Match Registry, I know I have done my job. A lot of people are scared to sign up, or don’t even know to do it. I am here today to tell you, that you CAN do it. People make it sound like it’s scarier than it really is. I can speak from experience and say it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s inspiring. Not only that, but the staff with Be the Match go above and beyond to take care of their donors. I didn’t have to pay for a cent, from the pre-donation physical exam to gas money to go to the hospital. They take care of you, since you’re the one saving a life and everything it would only make sense.
Although I still don’t know the answer to my “why,” I am comforted. Because even though I couldn’t save my mom, I might have saved someone else’s. And that gives me my purpose in life. To inspire others to sign up to try to do the very same thing! You don’t need to experience tragedy to sign up, you don’t need to be a hero; you can just do it. Because you have the power to make a difference. You have the power to save a life.
I was so happy with myself that I didn't cry during the speech! (Although I almost did.) As I finished and started to walk off, I saw the left side of the stands, where all my family and friends were, rise and applaud for me. I smiled with pride. Having that kind of support in my life is what keeps me going, and is why I knew I would be able to do the speech.
And if that wasn't good enough, our team received the Bob Johnson Memorial Award! So exciting for our team to be honored like that! Especially since the award came from friends.
So it is safe to say that I had an amazing time this weekend. Oh! I cut my hair. Katie chopped off 12 inches! I feel like a 90's girl, so I guess I'll have to wear more denim or something.
I love you mom. It always makes me sad to not see you at Relay. But I work even harder to raise money and awareness to honor you, your life and your fight. I love you with all my heart.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Why is a raven like a writing desk? (And other nonsense)
Dear Mom,
You can thank Nathan for the entry title, haha. I decided to keep it because the whole inspiration of this entry came from utter nonsense, which is the essence of this riddle, and Alice. And it's catchy.
Anyway, it has recently come to my knowledge that there are people in this world, and even people that I know, who do not believe in going to the doctor. Not that they're lazy, or can't afford health insurance. People literally do not believe in medicine, and therefore do not go to the doctor. They feel you should heal naturally.
Uhmm.... what?
I am trying to write this in an objective manner, but I do not think I will be able to hide my criticism well. First of all, let's look at the human lifespan. On average, we live MUCH longer than in the past, significantly longer. Well, in developed countries that is. Is this because of natural, or maybe even magical, healing powers? This is by no means because of modern medicine... right?
Don't get me wrong, going to the doctor can be scary. But it is necessary. You can't just go by life thinking that you're fine. Checkups are important to make sure that nothing is going wrong. Not only that, but listening to your body is important. If your body is telling you "hey, my throat hurts" or "hey, I've been throwing up for four days" or "hey my arms just got cut off" I'm pretty sure the best decision is to suck it up and see the doctor....
Sorry for this huge random rant but I just can't wrap my head around this. It hits me personally too. You never went to the doctor. From what I can remember, the only time you went to the doctor since the 90's was the ear doctor. And that was just when you still went, when I was little, and we had appointments together. I always kick myself thinking about that week you were sick. If you had a normal doctor that you saw regularly, part of me thinks that they could have suspected something. They could have seen the sudden weight loss as a weird thing, not a healthy thing. I understand that your case of cancer was hopeless, especially since the level of severity increased within hours. So there's a good chance that having a good doctor, or any doctor, would not have changed anything.
But it still doesn't settle well. It took you being sick for 6 days before you went to urgent care. Sometimes when I let myself think about all the "what ifs" I had wished that you went in sooner.
Point is, I know firsthand that deciding to not go to the doctor is not a grand idea.
But the thing was, I had at least 7 different doctors over the years for every little thing that came up over my life, no matter how minuscule. (Okay, having a tumor in my ear, not so mini.) I wish you could have cared about your own health half as much as you cared about mine.
So for anyone reading this, please be smart and get yourself checked out. Better safe than sorry. And also, side note, don't let your lack of trust in doctors be the reason why you don't want to sign up for Be the Match. Because, you know, there's a difference between not believing in medicine and saving someone's life... right?
Okay, my rant is done. I love you Mom. I don't mean to bash on you. But it's because of you that I understand how important it is the make my health a priority. So now that you're not here to take care of me, I know that I will make sure to take care of myself.
I love you.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
You can thank Nathan for the entry title, haha. I decided to keep it because the whole inspiration of this entry came from utter nonsense, which is the essence of this riddle, and Alice. And it's catchy.
Anyway, it has recently come to my knowledge that there are people in this world, and even people that I know, who do not believe in going to the doctor. Not that they're lazy, or can't afford health insurance. People literally do not believe in medicine, and therefore do not go to the doctor. They feel you should heal naturally.
Uhmm.... what?
I am trying to write this in an objective manner, but I do not think I will be able to hide my criticism well. First of all, let's look at the human lifespan. On average, we live MUCH longer than in the past, significantly longer. Well, in developed countries that is. Is this because of natural, or maybe even magical, healing powers? This is by no means because of modern medicine... right?
Don't get me wrong, going to the doctor can be scary. But it is necessary. You can't just go by life thinking that you're fine. Checkups are important to make sure that nothing is going wrong. Not only that, but listening to your body is important. If your body is telling you "hey, my throat hurts" or "hey, I've been throwing up for four days" or "hey my arms just got cut off" I'm pretty sure the best decision is to suck it up and see the doctor....
Sorry for this huge random rant but I just can't wrap my head around this. It hits me personally too. You never went to the doctor. From what I can remember, the only time you went to the doctor since the 90's was the ear doctor. And that was just when you still went, when I was little, and we had appointments together. I always kick myself thinking about that week you were sick. If you had a normal doctor that you saw regularly, part of me thinks that they could have suspected something. They could have seen the sudden weight loss as a weird thing, not a healthy thing. I understand that your case of cancer was hopeless, especially since the level of severity increased within hours. So there's a good chance that having a good doctor, or any doctor, would not have changed anything.
But it still doesn't settle well. It took you being sick for 6 days before you went to urgent care. Sometimes when I let myself think about all the "what ifs" I had wished that you went in sooner.
Point is, I know firsthand that deciding to not go to the doctor is not a grand idea.
But the thing was, I had at least 7 different doctors over the years for every little thing that came up over my life, no matter how minuscule. (Okay, having a tumor in my ear, not so mini.) I wish you could have cared about your own health half as much as you cared about mine.
So for anyone reading this, please be smart and get yourself checked out. Better safe than sorry. And also, side note, don't let your lack of trust in doctors be the reason why you don't want to sign up for Be the Match. Because, you know, there's a difference between not believing in medicine and saving someone's life... right?
Okay, my rant is done. I love you Mom. I don't mean to bash on you. But it's because of you that I understand how important it is the make my health a priority. So now that you're not here to take care of me, I know that I will make sure to take care of myself.
I love you.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Knowing the facts, hating the facts.
Dear Mom,
"Early diagnosis and treatment of acute promyelocytic leukemia (APL), the M3 subtype of acute myeloid leukemia (AML), is important because patients with APL may develop serious blood-clotting or bleeding problems."
"APL is one of the most frequently cured AML subtypes."
"About 70% to 90% of patients with APL are cured with treatment."
I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done to save you. The cancer hit you hard, and unbelievably fast. I mean, you hear of people having a few months to live, maybe even a few weeks to live. Never do you hear, "Your mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and she won't make it through the night."
I've read the facts, looked up statistics, studied the disease. But nothing ever makes it make any more sense. Nothing ever explains to me why your case of cancer ended your life so soon. Why you didn't get more time. Why you didn't get to say goodbye.
What went from you calling me saying you'd be in the hospital for 30 days, to you going unconscious and never waking up, is a nightmare I pray no one else will ever have to go through.
But it does happen. Cancer diagnoses happen every day.
I've been passion about the American Cancer Society way before you left us. But obviously my reason to fight back has grown stronger. And I will never stop fighting. Not til 854,790 turns into 0.
"Early diagnosis and treatment of acute promyelocytic leukemia (APL), the M3 subtype of acute myeloid leukemia (AML), is important because patients with APL may develop serious blood-clotting or bleeding problems."
"APL is one of the most frequently cured AML subtypes."
"About 70% to 90% of patients with APL are cured with treatment."
I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done to save you. The cancer hit you hard, and unbelievably fast. I mean, you hear of people having a few months to live, maybe even a few weeks to live. Never do you hear, "Your mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and she won't make it through the night."
I've read the facts, looked up statistics, studied the disease. But nothing ever makes it make any more sense. Nothing ever explains to me why your case of cancer ended your life so soon. Why you didn't get more time. Why you didn't get to say goodbye.
What went from you calling me saying you'd be in the hospital for 30 days, to you going unconscious and never waking up, is a nightmare I pray no one else will ever have to go through.
But it does happen. Cancer diagnoses happen every day.
I've been passion about the American Cancer Society way before you left us. But obviously my reason to fight back has grown stronger. And I will never stop fighting. Not til 854,790 turns into 0.
If you're reading this, know you CAN make a difference in helping change those numbers. Join American Cancer Society's effort in finding a cure, and help us all celebrate more birthdays. We can do our part in fighting and BEATING the battle of cancer.
Please visit my personal fundraising page for Relay for Life for more information, and even to make a contribution for an amazing cause.
Also know that anything can happen, in an instant. You've all heard "life is short" and "you don't know what you have until it's gone," but believe me... the worst can happen. So love the ones in your life and hold them close now, since you have the chance.
You may not have survived your second battle Mom, but you will always be a fighter in my eyes.
Love you more than you know.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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