A heart of gold.

Dear Mom,


I thought of this entry about a week ago, so i  finally got out pen and paper and spilled it all out. Kind of rusty and at a writer's block, so this is the best I could do. 

I own something very special
Something I wear over my heart
This isn't just a chunk of gold
But something which I will never part.


I usually call it a locket,
Even though a picture it does not store
Inside this necklace is a piece of someone,
So she can be with me even more.


I chose the rose because of her ring
another item i hold dear
To me, a rose stands for beauty
It stands for her; makes her still be here


On the back, it's engraved
in an appropriate broadway font.
I really can't wait to see her in that musical in the sky.
To see her happy in heaven, that's what I want.


I wear her each and every day
over my heart, where she belongs.
When I'm nervous, I rub it and hold her close
listening and feeling for her warmth, her song.


I miss my mommy every day
but I know I'm lucky, having this heart of gold.
Even if she's away in another place
I will still have a piece of her that I can always hold.

              Love your baby doll, 

               Tessy Loo Loo

Writing&Thinking.

Dear Mom, 

Well, three years is just around the corner… It hasn’t really hit me. I have been saying/thinking three years for a little while now, so I’m not sure if I will be super sad this year. Which, you know, might be a good thing.

I remember junior year when one year hit.. I think I slept like 3 hours that night. I started folding laundry at 4 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep. Of course I didn’t have too much of a problem on easter because… I was in Spain… haha J

I was thinking about junior year English class, and how Mr. Peters had us write an eyewitness story. He knew you had recently passed, so he kind of glanced at me and told the class, “Don’t shed tears over this. I don’t want this assignment to upset anyone.” I just smiled and thought, “Challenge accepted.” And then I wrote that story about that horrible Easter eve/morning, April 12, 2009. I’m so glad I wrote that story… and the feedback I got from him was great. It really empowered me that I could tell that story, and that I really knew I told it well.

I really wish I wrote more. I used to write poems and stuff all the time, and you loved them. I guess this blog helps my writing outlet to an extent. I’ll try writing more poems for you.

I’m not really sure how to end this entry… I kind of was just preluding for whatever is going to come. Or not.

I just really want to talk to you. 

             Love your baby doll, 

             Tessy Loo Loo

Missing you, and everything else.

Dear Mom,


Today when I was taking a glorious nap, I had a dream. It was of course a random dream, and had nothing to do with you. I was lost at an airport with some friends, and all I remember is thinking about a zebra, and thinking of you, then I started crying. (In the dream.) It made no sense. 
It kind of carried on over to real life though. Of course I miss you all the time, but I guess it took a random dream to remind me again. When I woke up from the dream, all I wanted was to cuddle with you.


You're not the only one I miss. Sometimes I feel far away from some of my closest friends. It's really hard to not communicate with people you used to talk to all the time. I wish I knew how to fix that. 
This is a weird sense of loneliness. Some people I feel closer to than I would have ever imagined. But maybe that's because I had to fill in space for the ones who decided to replace me. 


When I miss you, I get into thinking mode, and start thinking about everything in a gloomy and critical light. I guess that's what makes this blog good for me. 


So now I am going to go to sleep, and wake up to a brand new day. (It's hard to say that without cringing since I absolutely despise Mondays.)


I love you.




              Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Not alone.

Dear Mom,


It's a weird thing how people can find comfort in instances of tragedy. 


Today, I discovered two people that I know have also lost their mothers. When I was told this I felt... all over the place. But all in all, I felt comforted. I mean, I hate that so many other people out there have felt the same kind of pain that I have had to go through. I would never ever wish this on someone else. 
But knowing that you're not the only one going through this, knowing that you're not alone... it's nice. It's really nice. 


It breaks my heart to know that I have to use two hands to count how many people in my life that I know are struggling through their high school or college lives, while going through a loss of a parent. But I think the experiences we go through when we attempt to heal that pain, really lets us help those around us. 


Okay, getting a little overgeneralizedy here. All I'm trying to say is that it's really nice to know that there are people close to me that know what it's like to lose a parent. And even though that's a horrible thing to have in common with someone, at least we have each other to lean on when the bad days come. 




              Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo


P.S. I'm getting a tattoo. You have been warned. I'll explain more on that later. :) I know you're grimacing right now, but know that there's a lot of meaning behind it, and I'm obsessing over it. More on that later. :)