Dear Mom,
A post from our dear Mrs. Thul sparked inspiration for this post. Some things that I am about to mention I have already ranted about before, but I figured I would put it all together in one little educational schpeel.
When people go through a tragedy or loss, most of the time, the people around them are at a loss of what to say. They are in their best interest, and all they want is for their hurting friend to feel better. Still, sometimes the wrong words come out. Some people have straight up said to me "I'm sorry your mom died," without even trying to pretty up the words in the slightest. Although that's not as bad as when people don't know, and ask "Hey, how's your Mom doing." That hasn't happened in awhile, thankfully. Sheesh, I don't know what I would do if that happened now.
Anyway, I wanted to make a post to shed a light on what it is like to be that person who is going through great loss, and give a list of do's and don't's when interacting with that person.
1. First and foremost. DO NOT say "stay strong." First off all, who says that I'm strong? Would I really be strong after going through the hardest time in my life? The answer is no. Second of all, who are you to tell me how I should and should not grieve? This is MY time. I will grieve however I need to. I do not need to be strong; I am allowed to break down, cry, or put a smile on my face. Whatever I need to do in that very moment, is my choice. Maybe not a choice per-say, but it's more of my choice than it is your's.
2. It's okay to talk about the person. Tell stories. Remind us of the good things. Sometimes we get stuck on a few memories and thoughts that we forget other memories about them. We want to remember, so please help us do that.
3. Random acts of kindness mean the world. A call, text, a hug. Checking in and showing that you love and care about them will remind us that we are not alone.
4. Let us vent. I know for me, it was hard for me to open up about my grieving. So I was very appreciative of anyone who was willing to listen at the few times I was ready to share how I was feeling. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that people still care. Sometimes I feel that my grief is irrelevant. So please remind us that you are a friend who will listen.
5. Although we appreciate being reached out to, there's a time and a place. When I'm at Target trying to pick up a few things, the last thing I need is a sympathy speech that's 5 minutes long in the most public place in Hollister. The first couple months after Mom died, I avoided going to the store at all costs. If I was out in public, it was like I had "the girl who's mom died" written across our forehead. So please, help us feel normal. We really don't know what normal is, but please help us get there.
6. Think before you speak. This isn't some sort of contest of who's grief is worse. When you bring up my Mom passing away, don't bring up your cat dying in the same conversation. I mean, come on.
7. Be sensitive to your audience. Although bible verses may help many people through grief, they may be a slap in the face to someone else. Do not assume that I agree with your religious views. I have the right to my own personal opinion. When I'm grieving over my only parent, your attempts to convert me are just aggravating. "She's in a better place now" is hard for someone to understand when her mother was taken away so suddenly. Maybe if she had been sick for months and months these would be easier words to hear, but in my situation, they were nearly hurtful.
Above all, show us love. Show us that life goes on, and that our lives matter. That although things will be different from now on, that there are other things to look forward to. Remind us that your door is open if we need to talk, but remember that you may need to reach out to us personally regardless. It's really hard to ask for help when your life turns upside down. Your feelings constantly feel like a burden. So remind us that we are not a burden. That we are worth being cared for.
This post is 5 years overdue but I hope it reaches people who need it; whether is helps you today or in the future.
I love you Mom. Forever and ever.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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