Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)

Dear Mom, 

George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with. 
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season. 

I just hope that wherever you are mom, that you are safe and happy. Holidays can be hard without you, but music like this gives me a smile. One of these years I will dig up our old ornaments, all of your stickhorse ones. But for now, I'll just listen to your main man's music, imagining us listening to him together in the car. Just like old times. 



                Love your babydoll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Four months and 2 days ago.

Dear Mom,

It seems like yesterday when I donated bone marrow. D-Day, I like to think of it as. I just got asked about the process of donating, and even though I have explained it dozens and dozens of times, I still get jittery and excited. I love talking about Be the Match! But even more, I love hearing that people are considering signing up themselves. 
The more I think about it, the more I am sure.
I want to meet her. 
I want to meet the woman, this woman who needed me. 
The funny thing is, I needed her too. We needed each other for the same exact reasons.
She needed me, to give her life. 
And I needed her, to give me purpose, and closure. An answer to why I am here.
I'm getting all philosophical, and I feel like any minute I will break out into "Purpose" from Avenue Q. But really, she has given me so much. I am so in love with talking about Be the Match, and getting people to listen about my experience. I can never explain enough to people how amazing it was to get to be a part of something where you truly made a significant different in someone else's life. To be a direct cause of something bigger than yourself. 
So to be able to meet the person who has given me a mission to get more people to sign up and get a chance to donate... Man. That would be a dream come true. I tear up whenever I imagine it. 
We were learning about cancer in class last week, and it was a little unnerving. But whenever I get mad at cancer for hurting so many people in my life, it gives me a drive to keep pushing, keep fighting. I am so glad there are organizations like Relay for Life and Be the Match, where I can feel like I am helping the cause. Helping to fight back. Fight back, the theme for Relay this past year. Two little words, with huge meaning.
I promise Mom. I won't stop fighting, helping others with their battles, until this horrible disease is cured, once and for all. 


                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo


Readers: You want to learn more about the national bone marrow registry? Be the Match has all the information you need to know. Please consider signing up. You won't know if you're someone's match unless you sign up. 

Little snake bites.

Dear Mom,

I had a thought to write a poem about this, since it has to do with one of the best days of my life. 

Three months ago I experienced a miracle                 
Something very few get to do.
I was someone's chosen one, to save her life
To give her a beginning anew.

It was a scary day in the hospital
Not comfortable with all the pricking.
The side effects to my meds were peaking
and to be honest, it was horribly sickening

As much as I wanted it to be over
I wanted to time to stop
I needed to forever remember this day
No further moment could ever top.

I went home feeling better
And I was so proud of what I did
I couldn't believe I made a difference
Maybe I wasn't just a kid.

I looked down at my hand and saw
where the IV attempts left their spots
two on my hand, two on my wrist
Once I was connected, now just dots.

Reflecting on this day makes me smile
those little snakebites still show
barely visible, but still there
for me to look down, and know. 

I know what I did that day
I know my dream came true
I know I was able to save someone
and I know I did what I was destined to do. 



I kind of hope these marks stay forever. Although I don't particularly like scars, these little snakebites of mine would definitely be an exception. 
Love you Mom. Forever and ever. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

I already miss them.

Dear Mom,

I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry. 

This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments. 

I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life. 
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.

Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.

And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not. 

I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before. 

And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down. 

What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do?  I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?" 

I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you. 

Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.

Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

Dear Mom,

Random fact: the lead singer of Train lost his mother to cancer, and she came to him in a dream. In this dream, she was flying around the galaxy. He woke up, and started working on this song. 

This song has such a bigger meaning now, and is even prettier. :)

Sometimes I'm like this. I want to ask you what everything is like for you now. What heaven is like, how does the world look from here. Who knows, maybe you spend all your time floating around the galaxy, seeing a different view of everything. 

I feel like there is some inside joke with "deep fried chicken." Such a random thing to mention. Of course if I ever wrote a song about you, there would be nothing but randomness.

Miss you every day, mommy. Please look over Katie. She's getting her transplant this week. <3

LOVE LOVE LOVE you. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Flash. Little Moments.

Dear Mom,

Flash.
Summer before seventh grade. We are at Sally and Sara's (old) house. Sara, Amanda, and I are practicing singing "Angel" for luminaries. I can't even look at you because you have tears rolling, no, RACING, down your face. Tears of joy. Kathy laughs at this, because everyone knew how sentimental you are. 

Flash.
Sophomore year. I am asking for family heirlooms for my Mr. Moore project. You're in your room, going through old jewelry, showing me old things of my grandmother. You then find your engagement ring, the gold rose one. I ask if I can have it, taking it away before you give me an answer. If we hadn't had that conversation, a few weeks later, I would not have known how important that piece of metal was, would not have held it close like I do now.

Flash. 
Shannon's baby shower for Brody. You laughing at me and Sara while we eat the baby food. Watching you carefully write in her baby book. 

Flash.
Every friday night. We were either out to dinner or shopping with Danny and Nancy, or over at Janet's house. Because it's against the rules to cook dinner on fridays. 

Flash.
Single digit age. You rocking me singing "Rock a bye baby," rolling me to the floor when it got to "then down will come baby, cradle and all." Put on repeat for a good half hour, I can imagine. This goes along with me trying to sing the lyrics to Knickerbocker. 

Flash. 
Fruit salad. You made a lot of fruit salads.

Flash. 
You were in the bathroom, showing off you "Ciara" perfume, and it was driving me nuts that you would NOT pronounce her name correctly. Little did you understand that you were wearing the perfume of someone with a song named "My Goodies."

Flash.
Seventh grade. You and Michelle were in the front seat (obviously) and Kayla and I in the back. Passed by Tres Pinos School after the 8th grade graduation, stating "hey, this will be us next year!" You and Michelle were not thrilled with this idea. 

Flash. 
Fourth grade dance classes. You would be sitting off to the side sewing my fairy halloween costume. 

Flash. 
Getting in the car after Shirley's funeral. Discussing how delighted we were with the reverend, agreeing that she would be the best choice for someone's funeral service. You saying "If we ever go to church, we are going to her's." Four months later, she was the reverend at your funeral for this very reason. 

Flash. 
Doing my sixth grade project about a musical artist, and doing it about George Strait. Interviewing you, learning about different concerts you've been to, how you've seen him when he was playing small shows in Salinas before he got big. Laughing at your starstruck face.

Flash.
Every Christmas or birthday. Always getting you some sort of jewelry. Usually a pin. And you wore them all, even the tacky ones.

Flash.
Barbie. I should have an entry by itself just for this story, I can't control my laughter remembering this for the first time in awhile. When you had died your hair this time, you and Janet were too busy watching Providence that you didn't rinse out your hair soon enough, so your hair turned out platinum blonde. The next day I walked behind you on the couch and was startled. You asked what was wrong and I replied "I thought you were Barbie!" 

Flash.
Wasn't too long before it happened. I get a text from Danny asking what your middle name is, and you barge into my room, on the phone with Nancy, and say "DON'T TELL HER WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS!" And when you finally told them, they didn't believe you. I never got why you didn't like that name, it really isn't that awful. I guess that's why you went simple for mine, "nicole." It's hard to hate a name like that. 

Flash.
Listening to you quietly attempt to sing in the car. I guess you weren't THAT bad but it was hard to know what your voice really sounded like if you never let me hear it. 

Flash. 
You burnt the sausage. I walk into the kitchen, which is almost completely black. Instead of turning off the stove, I run into the laundry room and scold you for trying to burn the house down. Because I am a helpful daughter. 

Flash.
Your Christmas sweater. The black one with a pyramid of white teddy bears, reaching for a star.

Flash.
Every night since I was 2 or 3. The goodnight dialogue that never failed. 
*Kissing cheek or forehead* Goodnight Mom.
Goodnight Baby Doll
See you in the morning
See you in the morning too
Love you
Love you too.

Flash
Flash
Flash 
Flash
Flash



It's all the little things, all these little moments, that fill up my memory. I try and reflect, try and take time to remember. Because I will hate myself if I ever forget what you were like. 
It's these little moments that I miss the most. The ones that in normal life would not make a difference to me. But now, it's all I have. And now, it's all I want. For all of these every day moments, to happen now. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

"I just wanted to save a life."

Dear Mom, 

So it's been two and a half weeks since my PBSC donation, and many thoughts and emotions have been going though me. It's so weird to think that I gave someone what they needed to survive; and the night of the donation, I was perfectly fine, like nothing even happened. I could move on with my life, fancy free. 

Because of this, I became really unemotional about it all. People would ask me if I get to meet to donee.  I would respond that I would have to wait either half a year, or a year, depending if the patient wants to meet me. To me, I didn't mind if I met the person or not. I did my part, went through the week long process. Just knowing I went through with it is exhilarating enough for me. 

Then, about a week after the donation, I kicked it old school and watched some re-runs of "7th Heaven." In one of the episodes, a woman finally got to meet not just one donee, but three that received different organs from her son who died in a car accident. I was balling like a baby when I saw how emotional she was; so happy that her loss saved three lives. I know my situation is different. But it made me realize that if I ever do meet my recipient, I had better have a whole box of tissues with me. It's going to be so much more emotional than I thought. 

Another thought I've been having is a silly question I have been asked a lot. 

"What made you decide to donate?"

Now, to me, that is a silly question. And one that is hard to answer without sounding..... snobbish? I mean, I do have a reason for signing up for the registry. A short time after you passed away, I wanted a direct way to help, to give back. I don't remember what I googled one day, but somehow I came upon the Be the Match registry. I read through some of the information and process details, and was dismayed to see that I had to wait until I was 18 to sign up. I talked to my aunt about it, and she was very excited about it all. 

So I guess that is one answer to that question. My mom died of Leukemia, so I wanted to save someone else from their battle. But that is a little close and personal. And an unnecessary answer. I mean, to me, if it took someone to die for someone else to sign up, what good would that do? I mean, why can't the answer be plain and simple.

"I just wanted to save a life."

It really is that simple. I mean the odds of a patient to match with someone else's bone marrow are MICROSCOPIC. I feel like just knowing that, people should sign up. If you are healthy and able, are cancer free, are between the ages of 18 and 60, meet the BMI requirements, and have never had spinal surgery, why WOULDN'T you sign up? Call me crazy, but it seems selfish to just sit around and not take action. All you have to do is sign up, and there's a 53/54 chance you will never get called in your lifetime. If you do get chosen, so you go through some manageable pain? Think about what your recipient has to go through every day with their battle of cancer. There is no comparison.

Sorry, I just got really mad all of a sudden. It just.... makes sense to me. I mean, for me, donating gave me a whole new perspective on things. Look at my passion for Be the Match! It means SO much to me when people tell me that I have inspired them to sign up, or when they let me know they are already in the registry. Whether it was someone as close to me as Nancy or Lou Lou (who sent her kit in the mail today! Yay!) or a stranger who was at closing ceremonies at Relay for Life and heard my story. I am so glad I can make a difference.

But you know me, I am never satisfied. I wish more people would sign up. I wish all of my friends would sign up. Heck, I wish it was a requirement for people to sign up! Wouldn't that be something. Think of how many more people could be saved if every healthy person in the world was signed up onto the registry. 

Alright, well that's my rant for the night. This is me wishing that more people could be like me, and tell people that "I just wanted to save a life." I can't force people to make that decision though, I know that. It is a big step to take. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe it really is simple. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

P.S. Again, if you read this, please consider following the link and registering for Be the Match. You have the power to save a life.  

New Year, New Attitude.

Dear Mom, 

So this is day three for me in SF. And I have to say I'm a little weary, but I know I am going to try and make the most of next year. Even in these first few days I have seen what I need to do. 

I need to spend more time with the people who really made school enjoyable for me last year. I kept overlooking all the people who were right in front of me. This year, I am going to make more time for my friends; not just babysit and study. 

STOP SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. Save save save. I think buying my own groceries and not having an allowance is really opening my eyes to the "adult world." 

Try harder with school. Go to office hours more, even if it's just to ask one question. Form study groups. Actually use textbooks. Bring hw to babysitting jobs. 

Do more sorority activities. Get more involved. Don't be afraid to try new things. 


Hopefully all this isn't SO impossible. But I know I won't reach any goals if I don't make them. So all I can do is hope that this year brings me many more opportunities. 

I know you'll be there in spirit guiding me through it all. <3



                Love your baby doll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

That one time I donated bone marrow.

Dear Mom,

I can't believe I did it. I can't believe that it's all over. It seems like just yesterday I was called almost four months ago, for being a possible match. Now it's the day after for me, and the recipient is receiving my donated PBSC as I type this.

 After all the shots, doctors appointments and bloodwork, the drives to UCSF, the pricking and poking, I see why I had to do this. You see mom, even though yesterday was one of the scariest days ever, considering the fact I hate hospitals and needles; What I went through in a mere five days was nothing compared to what my recipient, and all cancer patients, go through every day. 

As I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday morning, the big metal needle where the blood was coming out of me and into the spinner machine in my right arm, and they were now taking multiple tries to put an IV into my other hand, I sat there crying; hating the pricking, feeling nauseous and over-exhausted, wanting to go home. I just tried to breathe, and made myself remember that I would get to go home at the end of the day. Others are not so lucky. 

I think the most annoying part of the entire day, besides my legs and arms being sore from sitting there for 7 hours, was the nausea. I threw up on the drive to SF the night before, once that morning in the hotel, once in the waiting room, and then once all over myself in the hospital bed. I knew it was the side effects from the drugs, because it had happened a couple days before. They were all worried, and one woman even wanted to draw blood for a pregnancy test. Lady, that would be a complete waste of your time, and even more pricking that I didn't want. 

So trying to do this whole process on an empty stomach, causing my veins to be shy, was no bueno. Once they gave me the nausea meds that calmed me down, it was smooth sailing from there. The blood machine stopped beeping every two minute from lack of pressure, from my fingers slightly moving, or from my vein spasms. I was relaxed, watched some shows on TBS, drank some juice, and suddenly we only had one more hour to go. 

As I watched the numbers on the machine go up, counting my stem cell collection count, I was relieved. I'm a visual person, and a numbers person, so it was cool to actually see the progress I was making. All they needed from me was half a bag of my stem cells, and I could watch it fill up. I could look at that, and eventually I allowed myself to move my left hand around and look at my IV, but I never had to look at right arm. I didn't even realize that my right arm was free of the needle and such until he had me start moving it up and down, for the first time in 7 hours. 

My aunt got all excited when the blood machine went off, saying that everything was collected. It was 1:20 when it was finally all done. I checked in at 6:30 that morning, and after all the prep, started the collection at about 7:45. Needless to say, I was very happy it was all over.

I stayed on the IV for another 10 minutes, allowing the rest of my blood to get back in. It took about 20 minutes to be able to sit up, then stand. I was just relieved my bladder wasn't exploding to the max.

So I guess the nausea left with the collection because when I hobbled back from the bathroom and there was lunch waiting for me on the bed, I swallowed it whole. I had my aunt take a (not very attractive) picture of me eating the banana to show Lou and Nancy that I was feeling a hell of a lot better. I even ate some Ms. Vicki's jalepeno chips, finishing them from the short distance from the school subway to the car. 

Now I'm sitting here in my living room, typing this up, bandaid still on my left hand. (There's two pokes under this one, no way I'm taking this off on my own.) I can't believe I got to do this. I was only on the registry for a few months... and now I am sitting here, knowing that a cancer patient is receiving my life saving bone marrow. 

People keep telling me that I'm a great person, their hero, and whatnot. But honestly Mom, if it wasn't for you, I don't know if I would have ever signed up. I knew that when I turned 18, I wanted to make a difference in your honor. Fate be have it, I happened to be a perfect match for someone in need. And I have you to thank for it. 

It doesn't take much to be a hero. All you need to do is sign up, and let fate work it's course. I hope people read this and know that I'm not the only one who can do this. Most people can sign up; I just hope that those who are of age and of good health WILL sign up. I may have saved one life, but there are plenty of other patients out there who need help. 

I know you're proud of me mom. I am so glad I could do this for you. Like Laura Lou said during her emotional closing ceremonies speech in honor of me: this is my way of fighting back. Not just having a Relay team for you, but for signing up and getting the word out for Be the Match. It's just too simple. I'm healthy and able, so there was no reason NOT to sign up. 

Okay, I guess I should close this up. Yesterday was an incredible day that I will never forget. I just hope that the recipient will be okay, and will have a healthy recovery, free from cancer. 

Thanks for being my inspiration mom. 


               Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

P.S. For anyone who reads this, please consider signing up for the registry. It's easy to sign up. You may be called within a few weeks after registration, or never at all. But you'll never know if you can save someone who is battling a life-threatening blood disease until you make that step and sign up for the registry. Visit Be the Match today. 

For Katie.

Dear Mom,

I know most of my blogs are about you, or at least, I talk to you. But this entry is going to be a little different. I want to talk about someone else who is special to me. 

This, is Katie. 

Katie is my sorority sister. She is kind-hearted, beautiful, and is true. To herself, AGD, and with all of her friends. 

She has this spirit about her that lights up the room, and she doesn't even have to try. She is one of the reasons I stuck with sorority life. 

All in all, she is a great friend, and an amazing human being. 

So when I checked facebook from my phone at the dinner table on June 10th, my stomach sank to the floor. You see Mom, Katie was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I cried and cried... I didn't want to believe it was true.

With time I have seen that Katie has been fighting, and she is even stronger than I thought. What an amazing woman. To have to go through this, yet she is still cheery whenever I talk to her. Every day I text her a random fact or quote, just to help to keep in touch with her, and to try and keep a smile on her face. I love hearing back from her... It keeps a smile on my face too. :) 

If you could do anything in your power to watch over her and protect her Momma, I would love that. I can share you as my guardian angel for her. 

For anyone else reading this, please pray for a healthy recovery for Katie. You can visit her CaringBridge site to donate a tribute to her!

And Katie, I love you with all my heart. This blog entry does not do you justice for how much you mean to me. 

Thank you Katie, for making a difference in my life, and for being another great inspiration for me. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that you are strong. And that you will beat that stupid cancer! 

So now Mom, I am doing my PBSC donation for you, and for Katie. <3

I love you.

               Love your baby doll,

               Tessy Loo Loo

Mrs. Tess's Mom.

Dear Mom,


Awhile ago, Kayla looked through an old TP yearbook, and found this:

It makes me smile to see your handwriting. Especially since what you are writing is a (normal) smartass comment. 

I remember being sad that when you taught math for my class, you hardly ever taught my group. I'm sure that was done on purpose; but I still thought it would be cool if you were my teacher. 

All the kids loved you, which made me happy. Sorry, writer's block, I'm tired and can't form complete thoughts. 

I'm trying to remember if it was Marshall who gave you your nickname? All I know is that you went along with it and loved helping out the class. 

I guess I am too tired to think straight. Wish I had more to say but I guess this is all for now. 

Love you.

               Love your baby doll,

               Tessy Loo Loo

It's all in your head.

Dear Mom,


Attempting to do this from my phone... we'll see how this works out haha.
This past week I have been struggling, thinking. About school, the transplant coming up, my friends, you. I've overloaded myself with so much stress, that I'm letting my summer slip away from me. I'm trying to work on that...


I'm trying to open up more
I'm trying to be more positive
I'm trying to just let thing work their course
I really do think too much. Sometimes I get upset over the littlest things... a friend doesn't text back, people can't make plans, stupid things.
But do they really matter?
I guess what I'm trying to say that I'm growing up, and its hard. Especially without you.
But I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the rest of my summer. I still have 5 more shows of Big River, in 12 days I am donating PBSC, Relay for Life is soon... I have so many things to look forward to, and I need to not freak out over stupid stresses.
I still haven't posted many updates on the donation... basically in one week a home hospital nurse will start the drug injections for me, and the adventure will really begin. All I have left now, is waiting.
Missing you.

                                                                               Love Your Baby Doll,

Tessy Loo Loo         . 

"Your Mother and Mine."

Dear Mom, 


I can't seem to get myself to sleep, because I have this song stuck in my head. This happened while trying to google "disney mom quotes" and this was the only thing that came up. 

She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."


What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."




I never really listened to this song before. Now I will. 
I miss you a lot mommy. Sorry I haven't updated this blog much. I've been meaning to do an update with my bone marrow stuff, but I keep forgetting. I will, soon. 




                 Love your babydoll, 
                 Tessy Loo Loo

Stressed. But what else is new?

Dear Mom,

This has been a roller coaster of a weekend. To put in as few words as possible: you never know what life is going to throw at you. And time is a precious thing. I wish everything that my friends are going through would just go away and we all could live a simple care-free summer. But I know life doesn't work like that. The new set of graduates are leaving (3 are going out of state), and I guess it's just hitting me hard. Plus, my friend from school received some of the worst news of her life. 
Sometimes I shut myself out when I'm sad. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to have such supportive friends. 

With all these goofy faces, it's hard to stay stressed. Thank goodness I get to see a lot of these doofs more often now. 

Anyway, don't worry about me. I just worry about my friends when things get tough for them. I hope things clear up soon. 

Miss you. <3 Please watch over Katie for me in her new life journey. Hopefully I will get myself to write more about that later. 

                Love your Baby Doll,

                Tessy Loo Loo

I'm the Match.

Dear Mom, 

So many emotions are running through me right now, it's insane. I'm excited, happy, scared, anxious. It's so insane that this journey of mine to try and donate bone marrow has been so short. I barely registered in November, and now half a year later I find out that I'm a perfect match for a patient. I know in my heart that this was meant to be. 

When I got the email from one of the donor center workers, I knew what this meant. I knew that I was about to go through a life changing experience. Not as much for me, but for the patient. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through. I only hope that the transplant works and that she can try to be healthy again. 

I'm still a little unsure of the process. All I know is that a home hospital nurse will come to my house for the five days leading up to the donation, injecting me with the drug that increases my PBSC count. (This means I still get to do the play! I just might be in pain.) Then the night before the donation, my aunt and I will drive to Stanford or UCSF or wherever, and stay there until the process is done. I had no idea how crazy the PBSC donation is... you have to be hooked up to the blood machine thingy for 6 hours. SIX. I thought it was a five minute blood drawing, haha. Since I'm not bulky, they're breaking out the donation over two days so I do not completely pass out. I guess I'll bring some magazines? Not really sure how this is going to work haha. 

Honestly, I don't care. The discomfort I will be going through is nothing compared to what this patient has been suffering through. That alone will push me to be strong through everything. I'm not that good with a simple shot or blood drawing, so this is going to be quite an accomplishment for me to get through this. And I will be proud of myself once it's all over.

It's kind of cool that the next weekend will be Relay for Life. It will be a huge reminder of why I am doing all this. 

On that note Mommy, I want to thank you. Without you, I never would have looked up Be the Match, and I never would have signed up to donate. People tell me that they're proud of me, but I am proud of YOU. I am proud of the example you set for me, and I admire you for being so strong. You may not have won your battle, but I will never forget how strong and how hard you worked throughout the rest of your life. I can only hope that this procedure goes well, and that I will truly feel like I gave back for everything you gave me. <3 

Stop crying. :) Do angels still cry? Probably. Anyway, I love you, with all my heart. 

This is really happening. It's not just a dream anymore. :)


               Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

Seems like yesterday.

Dear Mom,


Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well. 


Brand new shoes. 
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume


Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever


We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?


I get out of the car, 
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future


High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.


Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash


Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.


I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop


If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much


No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all


So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?




                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

The call, the inspiration.

Dear Mom,

So, I haven't posted this on here, but something really big happened, mom. On April 21, I got a call from Be the Match, and they told me I am a potential match to someone else. :) I went in and did additional lab work, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
I cannot describe how happy I am that this happened. I am a walking bilboard for advocating bone marrow donations. If I could actually be one of the people who got to save someone's life... I don't think much else can make me proud of myself. Proud that I got to do something so big in honor of you.
I even did my persuasive speech about bone marrow donations. Guess who got an A+ on it? :) I don't think I did very well, but I guess my hard work and passion showed through.

Because of my speech, I inspired my professor to sign up to donate. And I could tell she meant it. That's really all I want from spreading the word about a need for bone marrow donors. If I talk to my entire class, and I inspire one person to make that step in their life, then I made a difference. I hope that people find this video, watch it, and get inspired too.

I am doing really well, Mom. Just preparing for finals, not feeling too scared about it all. I'm ready to end this semester, and start a new one. I'm ready to go home and be with all my best friends. I'm ready to move into a house next year, and really start to settle down in the city. I was going through some rough stuff this semester, but I'm ready to say goodbye to all that crap, and say hello to a new beginning. This call from Be the Match really showed me that there are more important things in life than life's little dramas. 

I love you so much. <3


               Love your Baby Doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

Thankful.

Dear Mom,


This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted. 


So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness. 


I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me. 
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo. 
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed. 
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school. 
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself. 
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything. 
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better. 


But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me. 


You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles. 








                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo