Kindness, generosity, selflessness. What's in a word?

Dear Mom,


Today in CAD we discussed in groups what traits we felt were passed down to us from the people around us in our lives. I said "putting others before myself." I didn't like the word generosity because I felt it wasn't specific enough, and selfless is a loaded word. But that's the first trait I think of when I think of you, and I would like to think that I possess that as well.


People have always told me that you were one of the nicest people they had ever met, that you had a big heart, that you helped people without a second thought. I have always admired that about you. I don't think I ever took for granted you were always so involved in my life, and with the people around me. I was always happy to see you there, giving others your smiling face, willing to make their day somehow better. That was just who you were. 


Sometimes I laugh at myself at how much I look up to you. It's as if I only see you in a positive light. Which, of course, is not bad. But I guess now that you're gone, it's hard to remember that you weren't perfect. (No one is, of course. I hate that word.) But I just can't be mad at you. It's impossible. That may sound really weird to think about... but I just think it's funny that I look up to you as if you're this flawless god; that guardian angel looking over me. I guess it's really cool we will never have a fight ever again, right? 


If I were to ever be mad at you, it would be that I'm sad you never asked for help. I don't want to get into this, but I just remember how that last week went, and how it took you a week to see a doctor, when I think deep down you knew something was wrong. Because of that, I finally taught myself to learn to ask others for help. I'm glad I learned from your mistakes. 


Wow, talk about a random post. That's just how my mind is floating around, being sick and stressed and all. (Ha, I just hiccuped. I always think of you when I do.) I guess all I am trying to say, is that I am glad that you were such a selfless person. You were the best role model me, and because of you, I set standards for myself to try and be like that myself. 




              Love your Baby Doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo 

Bravery.

Dear Mom,


So I hope no one gets offended with what I am about to rant about, but I feel this is something I want to say. This is important to me, and I want you and everyone to understand something. 


Recently I have been officially registered into the Be the Match registry, to hopefully match with someone someday who needs donations of my bone marrow or PBSC. This is really important to me, and I have been wanting to do it ever since I turned 18. I am glad that I have finally done it, and soon my official card will be in the mail. 


Now. I have talked about this on Facebook a little bit, and people have told me numerous times that they are "proud of me" and that "I am so brave." 


Truth is? I'm not brave. 


Some people think I am crazy for going through with it, because the procedure is painful, I would be in recovery for a week, etc. 


Yeah? So what. 


I am not the brave one. The brave ones are all the people who need the blood stell cells and bone marrow, the people who are fighting their battles of cancer. They have a daily battle of dealing with this terrible disease. How am I brave for getting one procedure done? Actually, how am I brave, when there's a microscopic chance I will ever match with anyone else in my lifetime? 


And how am I crazy for wanting to do this? Why should I care if it will hurt? I would be saving someone's life! After donating, I can live my life perfectly fine, the way I always have. While they need my donation to hopefully save them from their life-threatening disease. There is no comparison to the short-lived recovery period I would go through, with their battle of cancer. 


I'm sorry if this comes off strong, but I just feel in my heart that I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. EVERYONE should be doing this. Only 1 out of 540 registered members actually get to make a donation to a patient. If more people were registered, more matches could be made, and more lives could be saved. This is just a no-brainer to me. I am doing this because I should. And because I can. 


Mom, if you had to die from your battle of Leukemia, why should I even think twice about trying to save someone else from their battle? It's something I have to do. 


I love you Mom. Thank you for inspiring me. 




             Love your baby doll,
              Tessy Loo Loo


p.s. For anyone I may have inspired, the link for registering to donate is: http://marrow.org/Home.aspx

Turtle turtle go away.

Dear Mom, 


So, I haven't made a big deal out of this, but I decided that my new year's resolution this year was that I was going to be more out-going, and making closer friends. 
Little by little, I am taking baby steps. And progress is being made. :) It's hard going from social butterfly to shy turtle.... but I am soon going to change that fact. I want to be able to be just as close with people here at college as I am with friends from home. If I don't, then what's the point of even being here? 


Baby steps. :)


              Love Your Baby Doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Talk with your eyes, not your mouth.

Dear Mom,


Man am I going through some roller coasters. And man do I wish I could have you hug me and kiss me on the cheek like you used to. 


I can't exactly pinpoint what's going on so I guess I'll just talk. So, today is Valentine's Day. I honestly don't care about being single today. I've always been single for Valentine's Day, and never mind making plans with friends instead of with a guy. But something hit me tonight. Thinking about all the boys who have let me down, and past stuff with friends.


Words, sometimes, mean nothing. 
Promises are forgotten.
Friendships are lost, enemies are formed.
Miscommunication happens. 
No matter how good of a person you are, people will still screw you over. 




Yeah, I know, I sound super cheery right now. I'm not even going to repost this on my facebook wall because I don't want to be that pathetic girl who is venting on Valentine's Day. But I promise that there is a point to me saying all this. 


Look at these pictures.

Now, sometimes I feel like pictures shouldn't need captions. Looking at these photos, I can see what words would try and express what's going on. Smiles don't just happen with the mouth; it's really about the eyes. Someone's eyes can say so much, without speaking any words. That whole saying "actions speak louder than words?" Yeah, they do. 

Idk, maybe I'm talking in circles. All I'm saying is that I've been let down by so many people. It's hard to have a good attitude about love and relationships, when you've constantly been reminded of what can go wrong, and that people will always find reasons for why you are not good enough.

Then I look at these pictures. 

I see happiness.

I see life.

I see family.

I see love. 

These pictures, along with other memorabilia, are all I have left of you. And honestly, they show more promise to love than all of those who have let me down in my life. You holding my hand in that picture is a symbol. 

"I will always be here with you, every step of the way."

Is it weird that I'm comparing my shitty love life to a picture from when I was little? Maybe. But it makes sense to me. People can let you down and make you feel worthless and replaceable. But the people that really matter, they're the ones who show the promises they don't have to even say out loud. I mean heck, I couldn't even say when the last time you went out with a guy. It wasn't while I was alive. And look, look at how happy you are. You continued to love and spread love to everyone around you, even if maybe you didn't have as much as everyone else did. 

I long for the day when I have my own daughter, and get to experience this kind of never ending love. 

You give me hope, Mom. 

                      Love your baby doll,

             Tessy Loo Loo

I'll keep a part of you with me.

Dear Mom,


I have been listening to this song ever since it was a hit in 2001. But when this song started playing on my itunes tonight.. Something hit me. And I can't believe it's taken me this long to hear this and think of you.

"Cause I always saw in you, my light, my strength, And I want to thank you now for all the ways you were right there for me."

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky."


"And everywhere I am, there you'll be."

I love having this kind of relationship with you, my guardian angel. As cheesy as all that sounds, I truly feel that way. I love you Mommy. <3




              Love Your Baby Doll,
              Tessy Loo Loo

King George.

Dear Mom,

Nancy showed me this awhile ago, and it brought the biggest smile on my face. How You is this? If I could go back in time, find this, and get it/make it for you, I would. I still want this, or something like this. Like when I live in my own house one day, I could have it be cute and country, with this at the front room. <3

So today I was talking to Emily and she was actually talking about a different song, but I told her that "The Breath You Take" is through and through my song for you. I was actually thinking of "You'll be there, so this is a mess of a story... Point is, there are tons of songs that remind me of you, but this one is different. Like I said to Em... when I sing those lyrics under my breath, I feel like I'm literally having a conversation with you. 

"Hope is an anchor
And love is a ship
Time is the ocean
And life is a trip
You don't know where you're goin'
'Til you know where your at
And if you can't read the stars
Well, you'd better have a map
A compus and a conscious
So you don't get lost at sea
ON SOME old lonely island
Where no one wants to be

From the beginning of creation
I think our maker had a plan
For us to leave these shores
And sail beyond the sand
And let the good light guide us
THROUGH the waves and the wind
To the beaches in a world
Where WE HAVE never been
And we'll climb upon the mountain y'all
We'll let our voices ring
And those who've never tried it
They'll be the first to sing

Oh, my, my
I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it might be a long hard ride
But I'm gonna take it
Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I want to go
WHERE THE streets are gold 'cause you'll be there
Oh, my, my

You don't bring nothin' with you here
And you can't take nothin' back
I ain't never seen a hearse with a luggage rack
So I've torn my knees UP prayin'
Scared my back from fallin' down
Spent so much time flyin' high
'Til I'm face first in the ground
So if you're up there watchin' me
Would you talk to God and say
Tell him I might need a hand
To see you both someday

Oh, my, my
So, I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it may be a long hard ride
But I want to take it
Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I want to go
Where the streets are gold
'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there)
Oh, my, my
'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there)
Oh, my, my."

I remember when I was little, I would always complain when you wanted to put in any of your George Strait CDs, when I wanted to listen to who knows what. I'm not sure why I didn't want to. I never disliked this music. But it wasn't until I watched "Pure Country" that I really appreciated his music. Now I listen to him all the time, imagining you sitting right next to me, mouthing along to the words. There's a huge comfort in his music. After all of these years, his music has stayed the same. Different lyrics, different tunes; but still sustaining the same essence that makes him, him.

That's why I love listening to him. No matter what, he will always be there, singing the same songs that you loved to listen to. So it's as if you're not gone at all. Because his music is a huge link, this connection that leads me to you. I love how powerful music can be.

Thank you Mommy. Thank you for having such a huge obsession that makes it so easy to remember you by whenever I need a little more You in my life.


                 Your Baby Doll,
                 Tessy Loo Loo