Thankful.

Dear Mom,


This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted. 


So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness. 


I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me. 
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo. 
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed. 
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school. 
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself. 
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything. 
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better. 


But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me. 


You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles. 








                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

My wish.

Dear Mom,


"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."


I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing. 
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy. 


Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.


Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3




                Love your Baby Doll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Three years.

Dear Mom,


Okay. FIRST OF ALL. I would like to share with you a horrible and horrifying thing I just found out. First off, a "Pure Country 2" was made. They tried to make a sequel of this 1992 classic TWO YEARS AGO. Would you like to hear a synopsis? 
"From the director of the 1992 hit Pure Country comes this heartwarming story of three angels who bestow the gift of song upon a young girl named Bobbie (Katrina Elam), who must learn to follow their rules if she wants to keep her extraordinary talent. As she grows up, Bobbie's voice brings her fame in the world of country music, but will she be able to regain her talent after her misbehavior causes the angels to take back their gift?"

....Okay what the hell is that crap?? Angels? I really wish I could have shared this moment with you in person. This movie has George Strait in it... as himself... not as Dusty... So.... they basically just used the movie title for people to see the movie, but it has NOTHING to do with Pure Country. Just the same country star and director. People these days.... this is just a disgrace! 


Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours. 


You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long. 


I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much. 


How about we move to a happier point. 

To me, it's all about the little things that get added up. Like this picture. It seems more than a coincidence that we took this photo together 3 or 4 months before you died, when the next recent picture is from when I graduated the 8th grade. It just makes me smile that I have this. So many people will look at this and say that I look just like you. To me, this picture just proves how much prettier than me you are. Seriously, I can't believe you smiled your real amazing smile for this picture. It makes me so happy that I can keep this picture forever. Every time I look at it, I can see everything that made us, us. It shows our inseparable love. 

Maybe instead of feeling sad, I can feel lucky. I can brag about the mom I have that exceeds anyone's expectations of a "good person." I know you're shaking your head at me, but it's true. Losing you wasn't just hard for me; everyone lost you. I still feel weird seeing other people being seamstresses for shows, and you're not with them. You affected so many lives, Mom. No one else could ever compare to you. 

So yeah, I am lucky. I know that. And maybe I shouldn't feel especially sad today. I mean, I can get sad year round. But it's hard thinking about where I was 3 years ago. By this time I was told you weren't going to make it through the night. It's just not the greatest thing to think about over again. Yet, I continue to do so. It's hard not to.

Sorry, I keep going back and forth between happy and sad, but that's just how I work in times like these I guess. You make me the happiest person in the world. Which also can make me feel like the saddest person in the world, knowing you're gone.

I love you so much Mom. I can never say it enough. Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But sometimes life just makes you live through the nightmares I guess. 

Alright, now it's midnight, officially the worst date of the year. I wish you were here with me. I wish I was home. 

But for now, I think it's time that I snuggle in your old clothes, and try to have good dreams tonight. 

Goodnight mommy. I miss you. 

               Love your baby doll, 

               Tessy Loo Loo

Surprise trip.

Dear Mom, 


This is going to be a quick entry since I should be in bed. But I had a really strange dream last night. Or strange enough for me to still remember it now. 


So Sara was all packed up to go to Disneyland, and she informed me that I was going too. Sweet right? But she was being all secretive, like she was hiding something. As I was about to make a call to ask permission to go, all of a sudden we were at disneyland. Sara. Me. And you. 


It was the best surprise in the world. 


I don't remember much after that. I just remember cuddling with you, watching the fireworks. You were so happy being there with me. And I just couldn't believe that you were there with me, at the happiest place on earth. Of course, now any place with you could be the happiest place in the entire universe. 


I woke up feeling warm and comforted like no other. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning later, that I got a hit of sadness, wishing that it was real.


Nevertheless, I like it when you check up on me like that in my dreams. Of course I wish I could see you in real life. But if seeing you in my dreams is the only option, then I'll take it. 




               Love your baby doll,
                Tessy Loo Loo