Knowing the facts, hating the facts.

Dear Mom,


"Early diagnosis and treatment of acute promyelocytic leukemia (APL), the M3 subtype of acute myeloid leukemia (AML), is important because patients with APL may develop serious blood-clotting or bleeding problems."

"APL is one of the most frequently cured AML subtypes."

"About 70% to 90% of patients with APL are cured with treatment."



I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done to save you. The cancer hit you hard, and unbelievably fast. I mean, you hear of people having a few months to live, maybe even a few weeks to live. Never do you hear, "Your mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and she won't make it through the night."

I've read the facts, looked up statistics, studied the disease. But nothing ever makes it make any more sense. Nothing ever explains to me why your case of cancer ended your life so soon. Why you didn't get more time. Why you didn't get to say goodbye. 

What went from you calling me saying you'd be in the hospital for 30 days, to you going unconscious and never waking up, is a nightmare I pray no one else will ever have to go through.

But it does happen. Cancer diagnoses happen every day. 

I've been passion about the American Cancer Society way before you left us. But obviously my reason to fight back has grown stronger. And I will never stop fighting. Not til 854,790 turns into 0. 

If you're reading this, know you CAN make a difference in helping change those numbers. Join American Cancer Society's effort in finding a cure, and help us all celebrate more birthdays. We can do our part in fighting and BEATING the battle of cancer. 

Please visit my personal fundraising page for Relay for Life for more information, and even to make a contribution for an amazing cause.

Also know that anything can happen, in an instant. You've all heard "life is short" and "you don't know what you have until it's gone," but believe me... the worst can happen. So love the ones in your life and hold them close now, since you have the chance. 

You may not have survived your second battle Mom, but you will always be a fighter in my eyes.

Love you more than you know. 

               Love your baby doll,

               Tessy Loo Loo

Your gift

Dear Mom,

Two posts in one day! Aren't you lucky?
Alright, this is one of my tribute posts. About a year and a half ago, I posted one of my favorite pictures of you, the one with you holding a doll. Your beauty ceases to amaze me. Seriously, you are so angelic in that photo. 
Anyway, Jeremy Chase posted a comment on that photo. That little booger posted one of the most heartfelt pieces of writing ever written to me. I immediately typed it out on a word doc with the photo, printed it out, and it's been hanging in my room back home ever since. 
So, obviously I was going to post it here. I just didn't realize I hadn't done so already. 

Dec 11 2011
Looking at this doll, she knew someday that God would send her a gift. To be a mother, a carer, a provider, a friend.
She knew what would come would be a big grand adventure.
And girl was she right.
Most days were filled with laughter, some with tears, but she never feared 'cause happiness was just around the corner.
Unfortunately, there was a sad time in all our lives, when she had to pass on
She was taken, but is not gone, for she lives through every person see knew
And the best thing she left us on this earth was her gift, which was you.
By: Jeremy Chase.

Yeah, he's a pretty special dude. I realize more and more how thankful I am for him. One of the BEST things that came out of being best friends with Nathan was getting close with his family, especially Joome.

Sorry Jeremy. I try not to be all cutesy cutesy because I know you dislike it. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate our friendship, and that I am forever grateful to have you in my life. Thank you. <3

So Mom, I think both of today's posts prove something very special:

I have amazing people in my life. With them, the hard times are very much cushioned. And I know you know I am in safe hands down here. I have just been extra thankful lately. 

                 Love your babydoll,

                 Tessy Loo Loo

& I can't wait

Dear Mom,

Last Friday should have been hard. I should have been crying myself to sleep. I should have stayed in bed. I should have been numb, not wanting to so anything.
But that didn't happen. You taught me better than that.
I'm not saying it gets easier. That I don't miss you. No, it definitely still hurts not having you here. But I know that it will always hurt. Thirty years from now, when my kids are in college, it will hurt. When I'm a crazy old lady dancing at my grandkid's wedding, I will miss you. This will never go away, and I know that.
Do I guess Friday was just a day of reflection. Although there was a lull of sadness that gloomed over, I tried to think on the bright side. Having tons of people reaching out to me worked wonders. Although it sucks not having you here, MAN are there a lot of people here who love us to no end.
It brought me back to that night in the hospital. Although it was the worst night of my life, looking around the waiting room, I knew I was in safe hands. Even on that I night I knew that everything was going to be okay.
So I guess as time passes by, it really has become less about hurting at how long I've been without you, and turning into longing and anxiousness about when I will see you again. Because even if its a long ways off, it will be worth the wait.


                Love your baby doll,
                Tessy loo loo