Five.

Dear Mom,

5 minutes before. 
 I'm holding your hand, ever so gently. Wanting this moment to last forever, yet wanting you to be rid of this pain. Thinking of good memories while trying to look past your sickly appearance. Knowing well that you deserve to be free, that this is not where you should be. Rubbing your hand, wiping your face. Telling you that I will be okay.

5 minutes after
 Tears keep coming. Everything's spinning. Nothing is real. Surrounded by many, yet feeling alone. Shaking.What will I do? It's always been me and her. Her and me. Where will I go? How do I live without her? Sobbing, sobbing. I want to go back. I wish I had been nicer this week. I want to hug her. Feel her. Have her with me and tell me she's not really going. Why did she have to go? Did I do something wrong? This is a dream. This happened to fast, it can't be real. I never thought this could happen. Can't imagine filling the hole that is lost. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.

5 hours later
 Finally in bed, drifting to sleep. Laying next to my Laura, who has been a trouper for me. Not knowing what's going to happen next, but knowing that at least, right now, I am safe.

5 days later
 Not enough seats in the funeral home, standing room only. Slideshow of memories. Empty urn, our little secret about the ashes not getting there in time. Plenty of tears, and smiles to go around. Friends singing. Really feeling in my heart that you say it best when you say nothing at all. So many people sharing a part of themselves, the part they shared with you. People stare, watching me go up. Shaking. I speak, hardly looking at my notes, because it's hard to narrow down exactly what to say about you. You weren't just the master of sewing, or pedro. You were more than just the permanent stage mom, or parent club member. And believe it or not, you were more than just George Strait's biggest fan. You were you. You were my mom. Words can't describe our relationship, no matter how hard I try. People knew we were each other's everything. Looking around, I see how many people you touched. And it let's me know that they are there for me.

5 weeks later
Wishing you were here for my first prom. Wanting you here to help me get ready. Imagining you sitting on the couch crying, seeing your little girl. I push through it. Spend an entire day leaving behind my world of despair. For a moment, I am happy.

5 months later
Mr. Peters tells us to write an eyewitness story. Something you've experienced that you feel you can share. Looking at me, he says that this doesn't have to get too personal. Challenge accepted. Barely stayed within the 5 page maximum. Writing about that night was nothing less than therapeutic. Turning it in, I feel accomplished. Here is a keepsake of what happened. My last moments with her.

5 years later. 
Less than 4 hours until the exact moment I dread every year. Many tears came with writing this post, because it's so baffling how much time has passed. Every year, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 1, 2, 3, 4, now 5. Look how much has changed in 5 years. What would you do if you were here with me now? Would it be the same? It's funny thinking about back then, about every fight we had in the car because we could never hear each other on our deaf sides. How you stole the Freak Friday punishment by not letting me close my door one time when I was bad. Things that seemed so important and aggravating at the time, and now they just seem stupid. And funny.
Not sure how tomorrow will go, or tonight when I check the time in the middle of the night. But I do know, that no matter what day it is, you are always here, watching over me. Loving me, laughing with me, being here. I wish you could share my life with me, meet all my new friends, and be with me as I continue to struggle through college. It's not the same without you, and it's frightening.

But one day, we will reunite, in that Big Musical in the sky. And it will be the best welcoming imaginable. We'll be dancing along the night of day, and head on down to the milky way.




                 Love your babydoll,
                 Tessy Loo Loo

A year and 28 days ago.

Dear Mom, 

So yesterday I decided to email Susan, my representative from Be the Match who helped me with my entire donation process. I sent her the youtube link to the video of my speech. I was not quite sure what she would think of it or if she would even watch it right away. Early this morning I got an email back from her with this: 

"Thank you so much for sharing the video with me. You are truly a beautiful person and are destined to make a difference in this world. When I first met you I knew you were special and the video and your mission just reinforces by belief. You are an inspiration."

Hearing this from someone who has worked with so many other donors like myself, and the woman who made the donation process so incredibly easy, meant the world to me. It's this kind of encouragement that keeps pushing me to spread my story to the world, for anyone who will listen!

There have been many times where friends of mine will bring it up, and say that they are thinking about signing up. If they don't stop me, I can talk their ear off for a half hour straight, at least. I am just so obsessed with what Be the Match does. Not only that, but if I explain how simple and easy the donation process really is, and how fulfilling it is, I know people will feel better about signing up. I understand how scary it might sound. Most people hear "bone marrow" and want to run. But if I educate people about how enlightening and inspiring the experience is for the donor, then they can get the real story. 

I just can't believe it's been over a year since that early Monday morning. My favorite memory of that day was when it hit afternoon, and Auntie walked over to the blood machine and could see I was just about done. It was like I was dreaming and finally woke up. And then it hit me. Not just that I would soon be free of the needles and be able to stand up for the first time in like 7 or 8 hours. But that I did it. I just changed this stranger's life forever. 

Not only that, but I changed mine. 

I really hope that when I'm settled down in life and have more time and resources on hand that I can somehow work with the registry. I am passionate about so many things, but the registry is for sure an organization that I know will carry with me for the rest of my life.  

Now with this said, I need to make an effort to do a donor drive somewhere! Doing school full time and working 17 hours a week can be kind of time consuming though. Maybe winter break I can organize something back home. That way it won't be so close to Relay for Life where I wouldn't be trying to raise money for 2 things at the same time. 

Anyway, random tangent. Point is, I am proud of myself today. I wish you could have been here to experience this whole thing with me. But I guess that's not exactly how it would have worked out, since I did this in honor of you and everything. Nevertheless, I know you would have wanted to be there. But I know you were watching over me that day to make sure everything went okay. Even though you couldn't point anyone to a bed pan so I threw up all over myself during the donation. Just kidding, I'm not blaming you. :) 

I love you mom. Thank you for being my inspiration. And the fighting force of everything I do. 

                Love your babydoll, 

                Tessy Loo Loo

P.s. Can you believe your baby girl is a junior in college now? Me neither. 

I had the best day with you today.

Dear Mom,

So today gave me inspiration to write a more, hmm.. inspiring post than my last one. What a debbie downer I was, starting off the first blog of the new year with gloom! But hey, it happens. And now I am writing to talk about what a great start of the year it has been. 

I just got out of my Intro to Disabilities class, and I must say that I am quite inspired! I spoke to my professor after class, and she told me I could use my volunteer hours I need to complete for class in a way that is more useful. She ended up giving me the number of a friend of hers, who is the founder of a speech pathology center here in the city. Hopefully things work out where I can get class credit for working in my future field! Or at least be in close contact with it.

Today was just a really good day. Another being that I heard back from Susan from Be the Match. I am officially donating again! My recipient isn't on the recovery level they want her to be, so I am donating my t cells (I believe?) This essentially means that I will be doing another all-day hospital day, but without the shots that made me woozy and achey. Which is great since I am in school! The only iffy part is that I will be at a different hospital. I am sure Alta Bates is a great facility; I just created a safe zone and comfortability with UCSF. I will be meeting with their staff on monday, though, so that makes me feel a lot better! 

And honestly, I have no reason to be nervous. After all, I"ve already done this. I guess it's just a little unsettling, thinking you had done your part, then being told that you need to do it again. Not that it's a drag. It's just something I need to do. I'm just glad that my veins will be happy and healthy, now that I will have food in my stomach without all those silly drugs! 

It's on days like these, when things fall into place, that I feel like I have my purpose. I feel a need to be right here, doing what I'm doing. Oh gosh, my song for you "You'll Be there" just started playing on my ipod. Great timing! When good things happen, things that make me think that I am so blessed to have these opportunities, that I really feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel you. I feel your warmth, your support. That undying love is something that I know will last forever. And on days like these, I feel at my best. Because I know you're proud of me. I always knew you were proud of me, but reminders like these feel great. 

"Sometimes it seems like I don't have a prayer, let the weather take me anymore, but I know I wanna go where the streets are gold cuz you'll be there.." George Strait knows what he's talking about.

Speaking of George Strait, I am going to be bawling at his concert on Friday!!!!! I know I am not going to be getting much sleep this week since I am too freaking excited! I was thinking about all the songs that I hope he'll sing.. but honestly, he can't go wrong with any set! Of course his work from the 90's are probably my favorite, but just being in the same vicinity as him will be a dream come true! With my best friends by my side, and you will be there too I'm sure. 

I love you Mom. I know you will be there with me on donation day, helping me stay calm (and keeping  auntie calm! I think she might have been more nervous than me last time.) I just hope that everything goes well so that this journey can come to an end, and I can be another step closer to hearing that my recipient is 100% cancer free and recovered. 

I love how I quoted T Swift in the title but talked about George Strait. Oh well, they both remind me of you. Music can do amazing things. 

Miss you. <3


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Dear Mom,

So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least. 
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately. 
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me. 
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself. 
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though. 
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now. 
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading. 
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine. 
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3


               Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

I already miss them.

Dear Mom,

I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry. 

This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments. 

I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life. 
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.

Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.

And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not. 

I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before. 

And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down. 

What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do?  I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?" 

I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you. 

Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.

Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

New Year, New Attitude.

Dear Mom, 

So this is day three for me in SF. And I have to say I'm a little weary, but I know I am going to try and make the most of next year. Even in these first few days I have seen what I need to do. 

I need to spend more time with the people who really made school enjoyable for me last year. I kept overlooking all the people who were right in front of me. This year, I am going to make more time for my friends; not just babysit and study. 

STOP SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. Save save save. I think buying my own groceries and not having an allowance is really opening my eyes to the "adult world." 

Try harder with school. Go to office hours more, even if it's just to ask one question. Form study groups. Actually use textbooks. Bring hw to babysitting jobs. 

Do more sorority activities. Get more involved. Don't be afraid to try new things. 


Hopefully all this isn't SO impossible. But I know I won't reach any goals if I don't make them. So all I can do is hope that this year brings me many more opportunities. 

I know you'll be there in spirit guiding me through it all. <3



                Love your baby doll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

For Katie.

Dear Mom,

I know most of my blogs are about you, or at least, I talk to you. But this entry is going to be a little different. I want to talk about someone else who is special to me. 

This, is Katie. 

Katie is my sorority sister. She is kind-hearted, beautiful, and is true. To herself, AGD, and with all of her friends. 

She has this spirit about her that lights up the room, and she doesn't even have to try. She is one of the reasons I stuck with sorority life. 

All in all, she is a great friend, and an amazing human being. 

So when I checked facebook from my phone at the dinner table on June 10th, my stomach sank to the floor. You see Mom, Katie was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I cried and cried... I didn't want to believe it was true.

With time I have seen that Katie has been fighting, and she is even stronger than I thought. What an amazing woman. To have to go through this, yet she is still cheery whenever I talk to her. Every day I text her a random fact or quote, just to help to keep in touch with her, and to try and keep a smile on her face. I love hearing back from her... It keeps a smile on my face too. :) 

If you could do anything in your power to watch over her and protect her Momma, I would love that. I can share you as my guardian angel for her. 

For anyone else reading this, please pray for a healthy recovery for Katie. You can visit her CaringBridge site to donate a tribute to her!

And Katie, I love you with all my heart. This blog entry does not do you justice for how much you mean to me. 

Thank you Katie, for making a difference in my life, and for being another great inspiration for me. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that you are strong. And that you will beat that stupid cancer! 

So now Mom, I am doing my PBSC donation for you, and for Katie. <3

I love you.

               Love your baby doll,

               Tessy Loo Loo

It's all in your head.

Dear Mom,


Attempting to do this from my phone... we'll see how this works out haha.
This past week I have been struggling, thinking. About school, the transplant coming up, my friends, you. I've overloaded myself with so much stress, that I'm letting my summer slip away from me. I'm trying to work on that...


I'm trying to open up more
I'm trying to be more positive
I'm trying to just let thing work their course
I really do think too much. Sometimes I get upset over the littlest things... a friend doesn't text back, people can't make plans, stupid things.
But do they really matter?
I guess what I'm trying to say that I'm growing up, and its hard. Especially without you.
But I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the rest of my summer. I still have 5 more shows of Big River, in 12 days I am donating PBSC, Relay for Life is soon... I have so many things to look forward to, and I need to not freak out over stupid stresses.
I still haven't posted many updates on the donation... basically in one week a home hospital nurse will start the drug injections for me, and the adventure will really begin. All I have left now, is waiting.
Missing you.

                                                                               Love Your Baby Doll,

Tessy Loo Loo         . 

Stressed. But what else is new?

Dear Mom,

This has been a roller coaster of a weekend. To put in as few words as possible: you never know what life is going to throw at you. And time is a precious thing. I wish everything that my friends are going through would just go away and we all could live a simple care-free summer. But I know life doesn't work like that. The new set of graduates are leaving (3 are going out of state), and I guess it's just hitting me hard. Plus, my friend from school received some of the worst news of her life. 
Sometimes I shut myself out when I'm sad. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to have such supportive friends. 

With all these goofy faces, it's hard to stay stressed. Thank goodness I get to see a lot of these doofs more often now. 

Anyway, don't worry about me. I just worry about my friends when things get tough for them. I hope things clear up soon. 

Miss you. <3 Please watch over Katie for me in her new life journey. Hopefully I will get myself to write more about that later. 

                Love your Baby Doll,

                Tessy Loo Loo

Seems like yesterday.

Dear Mom,


Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well. 


Brand new shoes. 
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume


Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever


We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?


I get out of the car, 
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future


High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.


Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash


Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.


I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop


If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much


No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all


So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?




                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

The call, the inspiration.

Dear Mom,

So, I haven't posted this on here, but something really big happened, mom. On April 21, I got a call from Be the Match, and they told me I am a potential match to someone else. :) I went in and did additional lab work, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
I cannot describe how happy I am that this happened. I am a walking bilboard for advocating bone marrow donations. If I could actually be one of the people who got to save someone's life... I don't think much else can make me proud of myself. Proud that I got to do something so big in honor of you.
I even did my persuasive speech about bone marrow donations. Guess who got an A+ on it? :) I don't think I did very well, but I guess my hard work and passion showed through.

Because of my speech, I inspired my professor to sign up to donate. And I could tell she meant it. That's really all I want from spreading the word about a need for bone marrow donors. If I talk to my entire class, and I inspire one person to make that step in their life, then I made a difference. I hope that people find this video, watch it, and get inspired too.

I am doing really well, Mom. Just preparing for finals, not feeling too scared about it all. I'm ready to end this semester, and start a new one. I'm ready to go home and be with all my best friends. I'm ready to move into a house next year, and really start to settle down in the city. I was going through some rough stuff this semester, but I'm ready to say goodbye to all that crap, and say hello to a new beginning. This call from Be the Match really showed me that there are more important things in life than life's little dramas. 

I love you so much. <3


               Love your Baby Doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

Thankful.

Dear Mom,


This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted. 


So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness. 


I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me. 
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo. 
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed. 
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school. 
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself. 
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything. 
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better. 


But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me. 


You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles. 








                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

My wish.

Dear Mom,


"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."


I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing. 
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy. 


Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.


Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3




                Love your Baby Doll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Not alone.

Dear Mom,


It's a weird thing how people can find comfort in instances of tragedy. 


Today, I discovered two people that I know have also lost their mothers. When I was told this I felt... all over the place. But all in all, I felt comforted. I mean, I hate that so many other people out there have felt the same kind of pain that I have had to go through. I would never ever wish this on someone else. 
But knowing that you're not the only one going through this, knowing that you're not alone... it's nice. It's really nice. 


It breaks my heart to know that I have to use two hands to count how many people in my life that I know are struggling through their high school or college lives, while going through a loss of a parent. But I think the experiences we go through when we attempt to heal that pain, really lets us help those around us. 


Okay, getting a little overgeneralizedy here. All I'm trying to say is that it's really nice to know that there are people close to me that know what it's like to lose a parent. And even though that's a horrible thing to have in common with someone, at least we have each other to lean on when the bad days come. 




              Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo


P.S. I'm getting a tattoo. You have been warned. I'll explain more on that later. :) I know you're grimacing right now, but know that there's a lot of meaning behind it, and I'm obsessing over it. More on that later. :)

Kindness, generosity, selflessness. What's in a word?

Dear Mom,


Today in CAD we discussed in groups what traits we felt were passed down to us from the people around us in our lives. I said "putting others before myself." I didn't like the word generosity because I felt it wasn't specific enough, and selfless is a loaded word. But that's the first trait I think of when I think of you, and I would like to think that I possess that as well.


People have always told me that you were one of the nicest people they had ever met, that you had a big heart, that you helped people without a second thought. I have always admired that about you. I don't think I ever took for granted you were always so involved in my life, and with the people around me. I was always happy to see you there, giving others your smiling face, willing to make their day somehow better. That was just who you were. 


Sometimes I laugh at myself at how much I look up to you. It's as if I only see you in a positive light. Which, of course, is not bad. But I guess now that you're gone, it's hard to remember that you weren't perfect. (No one is, of course. I hate that word.) But I just can't be mad at you. It's impossible. That may sound really weird to think about... but I just think it's funny that I look up to you as if you're this flawless god; that guardian angel looking over me. I guess it's really cool we will never have a fight ever again, right? 


If I were to ever be mad at you, it would be that I'm sad you never asked for help. I don't want to get into this, but I just remember how that last week went, and how it took you a week to see a doctor, when I think deep down you knew something was wrong. Because of that, I finally taught myself to learn to ask others for help. I'm glad I learned from your mistakes. 


Wow, talk about a random post. That's just how my mind is floating around, being sick and stressed and all. (Ha, I just hiccuped. I always think of you when I do.) I guess all I am trying to say, is that I am glad that you were such a selfless person. You were the best role model me, and because of you, I set standards for myself to try and be like that myself. 




              Love your Baby Doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo 

Turtle turtle go away.

Dear Mom, 


So, I haven't made a big deal out of this, but I decided that my new year's resolution this year was that I was going to be more out-going, and making closer friends. 
Little by little, I am taking baby steps. And progress is being made. :) It's hard going from social butterfly to shy turtle.... but I am soon going to change that fact. I want to be able to be just as close with people here at college as I am with friends from home. If I don't, then what's the point of even being here? 


Baby steps. :)


              Love Your Baby Doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Dance like nobody's watching.

Dear Mom,


So yesterday was my first college dance class, and I couldn't help but think about dance class at the studio. I forgot how much fun I had. Sure, it was hard work... but I really wish I could have somehow stuck with it.
I'm going to have to work really hard in this class, but I think I'm up to the challenge. Just more stretching and ab work is needed when I'm not in class.
I remember how much you loved to watch me perform. It didn't matter if I told you that I messed up, or forgot a part, or was put in the back.... You were always so proud of me. 
I'm glad that no matter what, you can always watch me dance now. I know that you're so happy that I'm dancing again. Even though it's hard for me to move, let alone walk, because of how sore I am.... I'm happy too. 

                                                                 Love your Baby Doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo