2,365 Days

Dear Mom, 

2,365 days. 
2,365 days. 
Six years, five months, 21 days. 
Nope, still doesn't settle well. 
337 weeks
56,760 hours
3,405,600 minutes
204,336,000 seconds. 

2,359 days since your funeral, 
and I still cry on cue to "You Raise Me Up."
2 seconds into the violin intro,
tears surface, my heart falls.

2,365 days since you left me,
I watch a sad movie,
and for the first time in weeks I cry over you.

2,365 days
and I lose it
because I don't remember you the way I used to.
You're merely a memory
I am ashamed.

2,365 days,
and I still hate cancer for taking you.

2,365 days,
and even though I am proud of the woman I have become,
it kills me to know I am doing this without you.

8,158 days later,
and I am still your little girl
your "babydoll."

I had the best day with you today.

Dear Mom,

So today gave me inspiration to write a more, hmm.. inspiring post than my last one. What a debbie downer I was, starting off the first blog of the new year with gloom! But hey, it happens. And now I am writing to talk about what a great start of the year it has been. 

I just got out of my Intro to Disabilities class, and I must say that I am quite inspired! I spoke to my professor after class, and she told me I could use my volunteer hours I need to complete for class in a way that is more useful. She ended up giving me the number of a friend of hers, who is the founder of a speech pathology center here in the city. Hopefully things work out where I can get class credit for working in my future field! Or at least be in close contact with it.

Today was just a really good day. Another being that I heard back from Susan from Be the Match. I am officially donating again! My recipient isn't on the recovery level they want her to be, so I am donating my t cells (I believe?) This essentially means that I will be doing another all-day hospital day, but without the shots that made me woozy and achey. Which is great since I am in school! The only iffy part is that I will be at a different hospital. I am sure Alta Bates is a great facility; I just created a safe zone and comfortability with UCSF. I will be meeting with their staff on monday, though, so that makes me feel a lot better! 

And honestly, I have no reason to be nervous. After all, I"ve already done this. I guess it's just a little unsettling, thinking you had done your part, then being told that you need to do it again. Not that it's a drag. It's just something I need to do. I'm just glad that my veins will be happy and healthy, now that I will have food in my stomach without all those silly drugs! 

It's on days like these, when things fall into place, that I feel like I have my purpose. I feel a need to be right here, doing what I'm doing. Oh gosh, my song for you "You'll Be there" just started playing on my ipod. Great timing! When good things happen, things that make me think that I am so blessed to have these opportunities, that I really feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel you. I feel your warmth, your support. That undying love is something that I know will last forever. And on days like these, I feel at my best. Because I know you're proud of me. I always knew you were proud of me, but reminders like these feel great. 

"Sometimes it seems like I don't have a prayer, let the weather take me anymore, but I know I wanna go where the streets are gold cuz you'll be there.." George Strait knows what he's talking about.

Speaking of George Strait, I am going to be bawling at his concert on Friday!!!!! I know I am not going to be getting much sleep this week since I am too freaking excited! I was thinking about all the songs that I hope he'll sing.. but honestly, he can't go wrong with any set! Of course his work from the 90's are probably my favorite, but just being in the same vicinity as him will be a dream come true! With my best friends by my side, and you will be there too I'm sure. 

I love you Mom. I know you will be there with me on donation day, helping me stay calm (and keeping  auntie calm! I think she might have been more nervous than me last time.) I just hope that everything goes well so that this journey can come to an end, and I can be another step closer to hearing that my recipient is 100% cancer free and recovered. 

I love how I quoted T Swift in the title but talked about George Strait. Oh well, they both remind me of you. Music can do amazing things. 

Miss you. <3


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)

Dear Mom, 

George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with. 
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season. 

I just hope that wherever you are mom, that you are safe and happy. Holidays can be hard without you, but music like this gives me a smile. One of these years I will dig up our old ornaments, all of your stickhorse ones. But for now, I'll just listen to your main man's music, imagining us listening to him together in the car. Just like old times. 



                Love your babydoll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

Dear Mom,

Random fact: the lead singer of Train lost his mother to cancer, and she came to him in a dream. In this dream, she was flying around the galaxy. He woke up, and started working on this song. 

This song has such a bigger meaning now, and is even prettier. :)

Sometimes I'm like this. I want to ask you what everything is like for you now. What heaven is like, how does the world look from here. Who knows, maybe you spend all your time floating around the galaxy, seeing a different view of everything. 

I feel like there is some inside joke with "deep fried chicken." Such a random thing to mention. Of course if I ever wrote a song about you, there would be nothing but randomness.

Miss you every day, mommy. Please look over Katie. She's getting her transplant this week. <3

LOVE LOVE LOVE you. 


               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

"Your Mother and Mine."

Dear Mom, 


I can't seem to get myself to sleep, because I have this song stuck in my head. This happened while trying to google "disney mom quotes" and this was the only thing that came up. 

She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."


What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."




I never really listened to this song before. Now I will. 
I miss you a lot mommy. Sorry I haven't updated this blog much. I've been meaning to do an update with my bone marrow stuff, but I keep forgetting. I will, soon. 




                 Love your babydoll, 
                 Tessy Loo Loo

My wish.

Dear Mom,


"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."


I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing. 
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy. 


Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.


Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3




                Love your Baby Doll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

I'll keep a part of you with me.

Dear Mom,


I have been listening to this song ever since it was a hit in 2001. But when this song started playing on my itunes tonight.. Something hit me. And I can't believe it's taken me this long to hear this and think of you.

"Cause I always saw in you, my light, my strength, And I want to thank you now for all the ways you were right there for me."

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky."


"And everywhere I am, there you'll be."

I love having this kind of relationship with you, my guardian angel. As cheesy as all that sounds, I truly feel that way. I love you Mommy. <3




              Love Your Baby Doll,
              Tessy Loo Loo

King George.

Dear Mom,

Nancy showed me this awhile ago, and it brought the biggest smile on my face. How You is this? If I could go back in time, find this, and get it/make it for you, I would. I still want this, or something like this. Like when I live in my own house one day, I could have it be cute and country, with this at the front room. <3

So today I was talking to Emily and she was actually talking about a different song, but I told her that "The Breath You Take" is through and through my song for you. I was actually thinking of "You'll be there, so this is a mess of a story... Point is, there are tons of songs that remind me of you, but this one is different. Like I said to Em... when I sing those lyrics under my breath, I feel like I'm literally having a conversation with you. 

"Hope is an anchor
And love is a ship
Time is the ocean
And life is a trip
You don't know where you're goin'
'Til you know where your at
And if you can't read the stars
Well, you'd better have a map
A compus and a conscious
So you don't get lost at sea
ON SOME old lonely island
Where no one wants to be

From the beginning of creation
I think our maker had a plan
For us to leave these shores
And sail beyond the sand
And let the good light guide us
THROUGH the waves and the wind
To the beaches in a world
Where WE HAVE never been
And we'll climb upon the mountain y'all
We'll let our voices ring
And those who've never tried it
They'll be the first to sing

Oh, my, my
I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it might be a long hard ride
But I'm gonna take it
Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I want to go
WHERE THE streets are gold 'cause you'll be there
Oh, my, my

You don't bring nothin' with you here
And you can't take nothin' back
I ain't never seen a hearse with a luggage rack
So I've torn my knees UP prayin'
Scared my back from fallin' down
Spent so much time flyin' high
'Til I'm face first in the ground
So if you're up there watchin' me
Would you talk to God and say
Tell him I might need a hand
To see you both someday

Oh, my, my
So, I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it may be a long hard ride
But I want to take it
Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I want to go
Where the streets are gold
'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there)
Oh, my, my
'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there)
Oh, my, my."

I remember when I was little, I would always complain when you wanted to put in any of your George Strait CDs, when I wanted to listen to who knows what. I'm not sure why I didn't want to. I never disliked this music. But it wasn't until I watched "Pure Country" that I really appreciated his music. Now I listen to him all the time, imagining you sitting right next to me, mouthing along to the words. There's a huge comfort in his music. After all of these years, his music has stayed the same. Different lyrics, different tunes; but still sustaining the same essence that makes him, him.

That's why I love listening to him. No matter what, he will always be there, singing the same songs that you loved to listen to. So it's as if you're not gone at all. Because his music is a huge link, this connection that leads me to you. I love how powerful music can be.

Thank you Mommy. Thank you for having such a huge obsession that makes it so easy to remember you by whenever I need a little more You in my life.


                 Your Baby Doll,
                 Tessy Loo Loo