Dear Mom,
A post from our dear Mrs. Thul sparked inspiration for this post. Some things that I am about to mention I have already ranted about before, but I figured I would put it all together in one little educational schpeel.
When people go through a tragedy or loss, most of the time, the people around them are at a loss of what to say. They are in their best interest, and all they want is for their hurting friend to feel better. Still, sometimes the wrong words come out. Some people have straight up said to me "I'm sorry your mom died," without even trying to pretty up the words in the slightest. Although that's not as bad as when people don't know, and ask "Hey, how's your Mom doing." That hasn't happened in awhile, thankfully. Sheesh, I don't know what I would do if that happened now.
Anyway, I wanted to make a post to shed a light on what it is like to be that person who is going through great loss, and give a list of do's and don't's when interacting with that person.
1. First and foremost. DO NOT say "stay strong." First off all, who says that I'm strong? Would I really be strong after going through the hardest time in my life? The answer is no. Second of all, who are you to tell me how I should and should not grieve? This is MY time. I will grieve however I need to. I do not need to be strong; I am allowed to break down, cry, or put a smile on my face. Whatever I need to do in that very moment, is my choice. Maybe not a choice per-say, but it's more of my choice than it is your's.
2. It's okay to talk about the person. Tell stories. Remind us of the good things. Sometimes we get stuck on a few memories and thoughts that we forget other memories about them. We want to remember, so please help us do that.
3. Random acts of kindness mean the world. A call, text, a hug. Checking in and showing that you love and care about them will remind us that we are not alone.
4. Let us vent. I know for me, it was hard for me to open up about my grieving. So I was very appreciative of anyone who was willing to listen at the few times I was ready to share how I was feeling. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that people still care. Sometimes I feel that my grief is irrelevant. So please remind us that you are a friend who will listen.
5. Although we appreciate being reached out to, there's a time and a place. When I'm at Target trying to pick up a few things, the last thing I need is a sympathy speech that's 5 minutes long in the most public place in Hollister. The first couple months after Mom died, I avoided going to the store at all costs. If I was out in public, it was like I had "the girl who's mom died" written across our forehead. So please, help us feel normal. We really don't know what normal is, but please help us get there.
6. Think before you speak. This isn't some sort of contest of who's grief is worse. When you bring up my Mom passing away, don't bring up your cat dying in the same conversation. I mean, come on.
7. Be sensitive to your audience. Although bible verses may help many people through grief, they may be a slap in the face to someone else. Do not assume that I agree with your religious views. I have the right to my own personal opinion. When I'm grieving over my only parent, your attempts to convert me are just aggravating. "She's in a better place now" is hard for someone to understand when her mother was taken away so suddenly. Maybe if she had been sick for months and months these would be easier words to hear, but in my situation, they were nearly hurtful.
Above all, show us love. Show us that life goes on, and that our lives matter. That although things will be different from now on, that there are other things to look forward to. Remind us that your door is open if we need to talk, but remember that you may need to reach out to us personally regardless. It's really hard to ask for help when your life turns upside down. Your feelings constantly feel like a burden. So remind us that we are not a burden. That we are worth being cared for.
This post is 5 years overdue but I hope it reaches people who need it; whether is helps you today or in the future.
I love you Mom. Forever and ever.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, August 29, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Five.
Dear Mom,
5 minutes before.
I'm holding your hand, ever so gently. Wanting this moment to last forever, yet wanting you to be rid of this pain. Thinking of good memories while trying to look past your sickly appearance. Knowing well that you deserve to be free, that this is not where you should be. Rubbing your hand, wiping your face. Telling you that I will be okay.
5 minutes after
Tears keep coming. Everything's spinning. Nothing is real. Surrounded by many, yet feeling alone. Shaking.What will I do? It's always been me and her. Her and me. Where will I go? How do I live without her? Sobbing, sobbing. I want to go back. I wish I had been nicer this week. I want to hug her. Feel her. Have her with me and tell me she's not really going. Why did she have to go? Did I do something wrong? This is a dream. This happened to fast, it can't be real. I never thought this could happen. Can't imagine filling the hole that is lost. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.
5 hours later
Finally in bed, drifting to sleep. Laying next to my Laura, who has been a trouper for me. Not knowing what's going to happen next, but knowing that at least, right now, I am safe.
5 days later
Not enough seats in the funeral home, standing room only. Slideshow of memories. Empty urn, our little secret about the ashes not getting there in time. Plenty of tears, and smiles to go around. Friends singing. Really feeling in my heart that you say it best when you say nothing at all. So many people sharing a part of themselves, the part they shared with you. People stare, watching me go up. Shaking. I speak, hardly looking at my notes, because it's hard to narrow down exactly what to say about you. You weren't just the master of sewing, or pedro. You were more than just the permanent stage mom, or parent club member. And believe it or not, you were more than just George Strait's biggest fan. You were you. You were my mom. Words can't describe our relationship, no matter how hard I try. People knew we were each other's everything. Looking around, I see how many people you touched. And it let's me know that they are there for me.
5 weeks later
Wishing you were here for my first prom. Wanting you here to help me get ready. Imagining you sitting on the couch crying, seeing your little girl. I push through it. Spend an entire day leaving behind my world of despair. For a moment, I am happy.
5 months later
Mr. Peters tells us to write an eyewitness story. Something you've experienced that you feel you can share. Looking at me, he says that this doesn't have to get too personal. Challenge accepted. Barely stayed within the 5 page maximum. Writing about that night was nothing less than therapeutic. Turning it in, I feel accomplished. Here is a keepsake of what happened. My last moments with her.
5 years later.
Less than 4 hours until the exact moment I dread every year. Many tears came with writing this post, because it's so baffling how much time has passed. Every year, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 1, 2, 3, 4, now 5. Look how much has changed in 5 years. What would you do if you were here with me now? Would it be the same? It's funny thinking about back then, about every fight we had in the car because we could never hear each other on our deaf sides. How you stole the Freak Friday punishment by not letting me close my door one time when I was bad. Things that seemed so important and aggravating at the time, and now they just seem stupid. And funny.
Not sure how tomorrow will go, or tonight when I check the time in the middle of the night. But I do know, that no matter what day it is, you are always here, watching over me. Loving me, laughing with me, being here. I wish you could share my life with me, meet all my new friends, and be with me as I continue to struggle through college. It's not the same without you, and it's frightening.
But one day, we will reunite, in that Big Musical in the sky. And it will be the best welcoming imaginable. We'll be dancing along the night of day, and head on down to the milky way.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
5 minutes before.
I'm holding your hand, ever so gently. Wanting this moment to last forever, yet wanting you to be rid of this pain. Thinking of good memories while trying to look past your sickly appearance. Knowing well that you deserve to be free, that this is not where you should be. Rubbing your hand, wiping your face. Telling you that I will be okay.
5 minutes after
Tears keep coming. Everything's spinning. Nothing is real. Surrounded by many, yet feeling alone. Shaking.What will I do? It's always been me and her. Her and me. Where will I go? How do I live without her? Sobbing, sobbing. I want to go back. I wish I had been nicer this week. I want to hug her. Feel her. Have her with me and tell me she's not really going. Why did she have to go? Did I do something wrong? This is a dream. This happened to fast, it can't be real. I never thought this could happen. Can't imagine filling the hole that is lost. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.
5 hours later
Finally in bed, drifting to sleep. Laying next to my Laura, who has been a trouper for me. Not knowing what's going to happen next, but knowing that at least, right now, I am safe.
5 days later
Not enough seats in the funeral home, standing room only. Slideshow of memories. Empty urn, our little secret about the ashes not getting there in time. Plenty of tears, and smiles to go around. Friends singing. Really feeling in my heart that you say it best when you say nothing at all. So many people sharing a part of themselves, the part they shared with you. People stare, watching me go up. Shaking. I speak, hardly looking at my notes, because it's hard to narrow down exactly what to say about you. You weren't just the master of sewing, or pedro. You were more than just the permanent stage mom, or parent club member. And believe it or not, you were more than just George Strait's biggest fan. You were you. You were my mom. Words can't describe our relationship, no matter how hard I try. People knew we were each other's everything. Looking around, I see how many people you touched. And it let's me know that they are there for me.
5 weeks later
Wishing you were here for my first prom. Wanting you here to help me get ready. Imagining you sitting on the couch crying, seeing your little girl. I push through it. Spend an entire day leaving behind my world of despair. For a moment, I am happy.
5 months later
Mr. Peters tells us to write an eyewitness story. Something you've experienced that you feel you can share. Looking at me, he says that this doesn't have to get too personal. Challenge accepted. Barely stayed within the 5 page maximum. Writing about that night was nothing less than therapeutic. Turning it in, I feel accomplished. Here is a keepsake of what happened. My last moments with her.
5 years later.
Less than 4 hours until the exact moment I dread every year. Many tears came with writing this post, because it's so baffling how much time has passed. Every year, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 1, 2, 3, 4, now 5. Look how much has changed in 5 years. What would you do if you were here with me now? Would it be the same? It's funny thinking about back then, about every fight we had in the car because we could never hear each other on our deaf sides. How you stole the Freak Friday punishment by not letting me close my door one time when I was bad. Things that seemed so important and aggravating at the time, and now they just seem stupid. And funny.
Not sure how tomorrow will go, or tonight when I check the time in the middle of the night. But I do know, that no matter what day it is, you are always here, watching over me. Loving me, laughing with me, being here. I wish you could share my life with me, meet all my new friends, and be with me as I continue to struggle through college. It's not the same without you, and it's frightening.
But one day, we will reunite, in that Big Musical in the sky. And it will be the best welcoming imaginable. We'll be dancing along the night of day, and head on down to the milky way.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Small dream grows: the road to the donor drive.
Dear Mom,
"There's nothing more life changing than saving a life."
"I'm committed to saving lives."
"Being a donor forever binds you."
"Love ties people together"
"I am forever bound to something that's bigger than myself"
"Committed to donate, committed to save a life."
These are just some of the ideas from a brainstorming sesh between Ashlyn and me, for the artwork she is donating to my donor drive. Donor drive? Yes, my dream is finally becoming a reality. On January 11th, I am holding an event to sign people up for Be the Match.
It's crazy to think that this time two years ago, I had barely signed up for the registry. It was more like a bucket list thing. I never thought I would actually get matched to someone.
Now here I am, trying to study for finals while organizing a donor drive, with the help of the mayor of Hollister and Robert Guerrero. I have the help of many local donors and volunteers, and the support of so many people. This is going to be INSANE. Insanely GREAT.
"There's nothing more life changing than saving a life."
"I'm committed to saving lives."
"Being a donor forever binds you."
"Love ties people together"
"I am forever bound to something that's bigger than myself"
"Committed to donate, committed to save a life."
These are just some of the ideas from a brainstorming sesh between Ashlyn and me, for the artwork she is donating to my donor drive. Donor drive? Yes, my dream is finally becoming a reality. On January 11th, I am holding an event to sign people up for Be the Match.
It's crazy to think that this time two years ago, I had barely signed up for the registry. It was more like a bucket list thing. I never thought I would actually get matched to someone.
Now here I am, trying to study for finals while organizing a donor drive, with the help of the mayor of Hollister and Robert Guerrero. I have the help of many local donors and volunteers, and the support of so many people. This is going to be INSANE. Insanely GREAT.
I mean come one, is this real life?!
I am so lucky to be from such a loving and generous community. I have tons of donors, like how Taunya is going to be crocheting like crazy, Tina's trying to get one of her Sharks photographs autographed, SBSC is donating a membership basket, Lindsay is donating a gift certificate for her cupcakes and is also making cupcakes for the actual event... and now Janell with Oragami Owl Jewelry is going to do an online jewelry party with me, where half the proceeds go toward the drive!
My biggest fear is that people won't show up to the event. I can spread the word and talk about it all I want. But people actually taking the time to attend, and make that decision to sign up, that's a different story. All I can do is push push push, and hope for the best.
And once again, you are my inspiration for all the crazy things that I do. Like running for philanthropy coordinator for AGD... so there's another path of opportunities. :)
Love you mom. Forever and ever.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
So Magical.
Dear Mom,
This past weekend was Relay for Life, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. It may have been one of the best years ever! I had an amazing time welcoming new team mates, and spending time with old ones. I just love the atmosphere of relay: our whole town coming together for one cause.
Relay was even more special this year because Katie attended! I could tell how much fun she was having. She made herself right at home! I am glad she was able to experience such an amazing organization.
Another reason why Relay was so special this year was because I did a speech during the fight back ceremony. I wrote it out a couple weeks in advance, and worked on it until it was perfect. I poured my whole heart out into it because I knew that would be the only way to reach out to people. So, here it is.
When faced with tragedy, I am sure that many will agree, that one small 3 letter word tends come up. Why. Why me? Why did the unimaginable have to happen? It has been over 4 years since my mother passed away from Leukemia, and I still find myself asking that very question. But it is that very question that led me to the journey of a lifetime. C. S. Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary adventure.” I wish I could have trademarked that quote myself, because that’s exactly how I would describe the recent events in my life.
When my mom passed away, my whole life turned upside down, and it took a long time for me to feel happy and find a new normal. Even though I was healing, I still couldn’t help asking, why. I couldn’t accept the fact that “these things just happen” and that “cancer is a horrible disease.” I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Even though I have supported Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society for many years, and now with a Team for my mom, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a direct part of the cause, I needed to find an answer to that “why.” Somewhere along the way while researching Leukemia, I came across the Be the Match Registry. After looking through their website for a few minutes, I was determined. When I turned 18, I was going to be a registered bone marrow donor.
I talked to some people about it, and many were concerned that I was making such a decision. “You know it hurts, right?” “It feels like a horse kicked you for a week.” But to me, I look at it like this. By donating bone marrow, I would probably go through a few days of pain. Cancer patients go through months, even years of battle. So what’s a few days of pain to someone who’s life is on the line? My mom passed away about 12 hours after her initial diagnosis. She had no chance of living. Who am I to not try and give someone else their chance?
Most registered donors go their whole lives without getting a call saying that could be a possible match for a patient with a life-threatening blood disease. Yet, I donated bone marrow to a complete stranger 8 months after I signed up for the registry. What people don’t know is that most donations are not done surgically anymore. I was able to do a peripheral blood stem cell donation. I was given drug injections to boost my stem cell count for four days in the comfort of my own home. My stem cells were collected on the fifth day, and it took about 7 hours to complete the process. It was kind of like donating blood at a blood drive, but longer and more precise. And no, it didn’t feel like a horse kicked me. The collection was sent off and transfused to my donor the next day. So with 5 days of drug injections that gave me flu-like side effects and minor muscle and bone aches, and 7 hours in a hospital, I was able to give someone a second chance at life. I’m like most people; I hate hospitals, and even now I still hate needles flinch when I get a blood test. But that didn’t stop me. Out of all the donors in the nation, I was the one who matched her. To be a direct part of someone else’s life like that, is the most empowering feeling imaginable.
So while all this was happening, someone else in my life was going a different direction on the same street. A couple weeks after I was told I was a match to my recipient, my good friend Katie Thompson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was devastated that this disease had closely affected someone else in my life. It was later determined that she would also need a bone marrow transplant. Luckily her sister was a match for her, and their donation day was a month after mine. It bewilders me the way our lives have paralleled, but in a way it has made us a huge support system for each other. Katie experienced her first Relay for Life this weekend, rocking her purple shirt with pride. She has been in remission for over a year and hasn’t needed a blood transfusion in two months. She is living proof that miracles do happen, and bone marrow transplants are life-changing.
If even one person goes home today and signs up for the Be the Match Registry, I know I have done my job. A lot of people are scared to sign up, or don’t even know to do it. I am here today to tell you, that you CAN do it. People make it sound like it’s scarier than it really is. I can speak from experience and say it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s inspiring. Not only that, but the staff with Be the Match go above and beyond to take care of their donors. I didn’t have to pay for a cent, from the pre-donation physical exam to gas money to go to the hospital. They take care of you, since you’re the one saving a life and everything it would only make sense.
Although I still don’t know the answer to my “why,” I am comforted. Because even though I couldn’t save my mom, I might have saved someone else’s. And that gives me my purpose in life. To inspire others to sign up to try to do the very same thing! You don’t need to experience tragedy to sign up, you don’t need to be a hero; you can just do it. Because you have the power to make a difference. You have the power to save a life.
This past weekend was Relay for Life, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. It may have been one of the best years ever! I had an amazing time welcoming new team mates, and spending time with old ones. I just love the atmosphere of relay: our whole town coming together for one cause.
Relay was even more special this year because Katie attended! I could tell how much fun she was having. She made herself right at home! I am glad she was able to experience such an amazing organization.
Another reason why Relay was so special this year was because I did a speech during the fight back ceremony. I wrote it out a couple weeks in advance, and worked on it until it was perfect. I poured my whole heart out into it because I knew that would be the only way to reach out to people. So, here it is.
When faced with tragedy, I am sure that many will agree, that one small 3 letter word tends come up. Why. Why me? Why did the unimaginable have to happen? It has been over 4 years since my mother passed away from Leukemia, and I still find myself asking that very question. But it is that very question that led me to the journey of a lifetime. C. S. Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary adventure.” I wish I could have trademarked that quote myself, because that’s exactly how I would describe the recent events in my life.
When my mom passed away, my whole life turned upside down, and it took a long time for me to feel happy and find a new normal. Even though I was healing, I still couldn’t help asking, why. I couldn’t accept the fact that “these things just happen” and that “cancer is a horrible disease.” I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Even though I have supported Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society for many years, and now with a Team for my mom, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a direct part of the cause, I needed to find an answer to that “why.” Somewhere along the way while researching Leukemia, I came across the Be the Match Registry. After looking through their website for a few minutes, I was determined. When I turned 18, I was going to be a registered bone marrow donor.
I talked to some people about it, and many were concerned that I was making such a decision. “You know it hurts, right?” “It feels like a horse kicked you for a week.” But to me, I look at it like this. By donating bone marrow, I would probably go through a few days of pain. Cancer patients go through months, even years of battle. So what’s a few days of pain to someone who’s life is on the line? My mom passed away about 12 hours after her initial diagnosis. She had no chance of living. Who am I to not try and give someone else their chance?
Most registered donors go their whole lives without getting a call saying that could be a possible match for a patient with a life-threatening blood disease. Yet, I donated bone marrow to a complete stranger 8 months after I signed up for the registry. What people don’t know is that most donations are not done surgically anymore. I was able to do a peripheral blood stem cell donation. I was given drug injections to boost my stem cell count for four days in the comfort of my own home. My stem cells were collected on the fifth day, and it took about 7 hours to complete the process. It was kind of like donating blood at a blood drive, but longer and more precise. And no, it didn’t feel like a horse kicked me. The collection was sent off and transfused to my donor the next day. So with 5 days of drug injections that gave me flu-like side effects and minor muscle and bone aches, and 7 hours in a hospital, I was able to give someone a second chance at life. I’m like most people; I hate hospitals, and even now I still hate needles flinch when I get a blood test. But that didn’t stop me. Out of all the donors in the nation, I was the one who matched her. To be a direct part of someone else’s life like that, is the most empowering feeling imaginable.
So while all this was happening, someone else in my life was going a different direction on the same street. A couple weeks after I was told I was a match to my recipient, my good friend Katie Thompson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was devastated that this disease had closely affected someone else in my life. It was later determined that she would also need a bone marrow transplant. Luckily her sister was a match for her, and their donation day was a month after mine. It bewilders me the way our lives have paralleled, but in a way it has made us a huge support system for each other. Katie experienced her first Relay for Life this weekend, rocking her purple shirt with pride. She has been in remission for over a year and hasn’t needed a blood transfusion in two months. She is living proof that miracles do happen, and bone marrow transplants are life-changing.
If even one person goes home today and signs up for the Be the Match Registry, I know I have done my job. A lot of people are scared to sign up, or don’t even know to do it. I am here today to tell you, that you CAN do it. People make it sound like it’s scarier than it really is. I can speak from experience and say it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s inspiring. Not only that, but the staff with Be the Match go above and beyond to take care of their donors. I didn’t have to pay for a cent, from the pre-donation physical exam to gas money to go to the hospital. They take care of you, since you’re the one saving a life and everything it would only make sense.
Although I still don’t know the answer to my “why,” I am comforted. Because even though I couldn’t save my mom, I might have saved someone else’s. And that gives me my purpose in life. To inspire others to sign up to try to do the very same thing! You don’t need to experience tragedy to sign up, you don’t need to be a hero; you can just do it. Because you have the power to make a difference. You have the power to save a life.
I was so happy with myself that I didn't cry during the speech! (Although I almost did.) As I finished and started to walk off, I saw the left side of the stands, where all my family and friends were, rise and applaud for me. I smiled with pride. Having that kind of support in my life is what keeps me going, and is why I knew I would be able to do the speech.
And if that wasn't good enough, our team received the Bob Johnson Memorial Award! So exciting for our team to be honored like that! Especially since the award came from friends.
So it is safe to say that I had an amazing time this weekend. Oh! I cut my hair. Katie chopped off 12 inches! I feel like a 90's girl, so I guess I'll have to wear more denim or something.
I love you mom. It always makes me sad to not see you at Relay. But I work even harder to raise money and awareness to honor you, your life and your fight. I love you with all my heart.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Why is a raven like a writing desk? (And other nonsense)
Dear Mom,
You can thank Nathan for the entry title, haha. I decided to keep it because the whole inspiration of this entry came from utter nonsense, which is the essence of this riddle, and Alice. And it's catchy.
Anyway, it has recently come to my knowledge that there are people in this world, and even people that I know, who do not believe in going to the doctor. Not that they're lazy, or can't afford health insurance. People literally do not believe in medicine, and therefore do not go to the doctor. They feel you should heal naturally.
Uhmm.... what?
I am trying to write this in an objective manner, but I do not think I will be able to hide my criticism well. First of all, let's look at the human lifespan. On average, we live MUCH longer than in the past, significantly longer. Well, in developed countries that is. Is this because of natural, or maybe even magical, healing powers? This is by no means because of modern medicine... right?
Don't get me wrong, going to the doctor can be scary. But it is necessary. You can't just go by life thinking that you're fine. Checkups are important to make sure that nothing is going wrong. Not only that, but listening to your body is important. If your body is telling you "hey, my throat hurts" or "hey, I've been throwing up for four days" or "hey my arms just got cut off" I'm pretty sure the best decision is to suck it up and see the doctor....
Sorry for this huge random rant but I just can't wrap my head around this. It hits me personally too. You never went to the doctor. From what I can remember, the only time you went to the doctor since the 90's was the ear doctor. And that was just when you still went, when I was little, and we had appointments together. I always kick myself thinking about that week you were sick. If you had a normal doctor that you saw regularly, part of me thinks that they could have suspected something. They could have seen the sudden weight loss as a weird thing, not a healthy thing. I understand that your case of cancer was hopeless, especially since the level of severity increased within hours. So there's a good chance that having a good doctor, or any doctor, would not have changed anything.
But it still doesn't settle well. It took you being sick for 6 days before you went to urgent care. Sometimes when I let myself think about all the "what ifs" I had wished that you went in sooner.
Point is, I know firsthand that deciding to not go to the doctor is not a grand idea.
But the thing was, I had at least 7 different doctors over the years for every little thing that came up over my life, no matter how minuscule. (Okay, having a tumor in my ear, not so mini.) I wish you could have cared about your own health half as much as you cared about mine.
So for anyone reading this, please be smart and get yourself checked out. Better safe than sorry. And also, side note, don't let your lack of trust in doctors be the reason why you don't want to sign up for Be the Match. Because, you know, there's a difference between not believing in medicine and saving someone's life... right?
Okay, my rant is done. I love you Mom. I don't mean to bash on you. But it's because of you that I understand how important it is the make my health a priority. So now that you're not here to take care of me, I know that I will make sure to take care of myself.
I love you.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
You can thank Nathan for the entry title, haha. I decided to keep it because the whole inspiration of this entry came from utter nonsense, which is the essence of this riddle, and Alice. And it's catchy.
Anyway, it has recently come to my knowledge that there are people in this world, and even people that I know, who do not believe in going to the doctor. Not that they're lazy, or can't afford health insurance. People literally do not believe in medicine, and therefore do not go to the doctor. They feel you should heal naturally.
Uhmm.... what?
I am trying to write this in an objective manner, but I do not think I will be able to hide my criticism well. First of all, let's look at the human lifespan. On average, we live MUCH longer than in the past, significantly longer. Well, in developed countries that is. Is this because of natural, or maybe even magical, healing powers? This is by no means because of modern medicine... right?
Don't get me wrong, going to the doctor can be scary. But it is necessary. You can't just go by life thinking that you're fine. Checkups are important to make sure that nothing is going wrong. Not only that, but listening to your body is important. If your body is telling you "hey, my throat hurts" or "hey, I've been throwing up for four days" or "hey my arms just got cut off" I'm pretty sure the best decision is to suck it up and see the doctor....
Sorry for this huge random rant but I just can't wrap my head around this. It hits me personally too. You never went to the doctor. From what I can remember, the only time you went to the doctor since the 90's was the ear doctor. And that was just when you still went, when I was little, and we had appointments together. I always kick myself thinking about that week you were sick. If you had a normal doctor that you saw regularly, part of me thinks that they could have suspected something. They could have seen the sudden weight loss as a weird thing, not a healthy thing. I understand that your case of cancer was hopeless, especially since the level of severity increased within hours. So there's a good chance that having a good doctor, or any doctor, would not have changed anything.
But it still doesn't settle well. It took you being sick for 6 days before you went to urgent care. Sometimes when I let myself think about all the "what ifs" I had wished that you went in sooner.
Point is, I know firsthand that deciding to not go to the doctor is not a grand idea.
But the thing was, I had at least 7 different doctors over the years for every little thing that came up over my life, no matter how minuscule. (Okay, having a tumor in my ear, not so mini.) I wish you could have cared about your own health half as much as you cared about mine.
So for anyone reading this, please be smart and get yourself checked out. Better safe than sorry. And also, side note, don't let your lack of trust in doctors be the reason why you don't want to sign up for Be the Match. Because, you know, there's a difference between not believing in medicine and saving someone's life... right?
Okay, my rant is done. I love you Mom. I don't mean to bash on you. But it's because of you that I understand how important it is the make my health a priority. So now that you're not here to take care of me, I know that I will make sure to take care of myself.
I love you.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Visions of Paradise.
Dear Mom,
Mom, what's it like in Heaven?
Do you sleep on a cloud?
Is it quiet, or loud?
Do you get a gorgeous view
of the world, and what's around you?
Mom, what was it like when you got there?
Did you wait in line?
Did you feel at home and just fine?
Were you welcomed with love
from all the others up above?
Mom, do you ever watch us down here?
Do you smile when we do?
Do you still laugh with me, too?
Can I still make you proud
and do things that leave you wowed?
Mom, can you do me a favor?
Will you continue to watch over me?
See me grow into who I want to be?
And when my time comes, will you wait?
Save me a spot, in case I'm late.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Mom, what's it like in Heaven?
Do you sleep on a cloud?
Is it quiet, or loud?
Do you get a gorgeous view
of the world, and what's around you?
Mom, what was it like when you got there?
Did you wait in line?
Did you feel at home and just fine?
Were you welcomed with love
from all the others up above?
Mom, do you ever watch us down here?
Do you smile when we do?
Do you still laugh with me, too?
Can I still make you proud
and do things that leave you wowed?
Mom, can you do me a favor?
Will you continue to watch over me?
See me grow into who I want to be?
And when my time comes, will you wait?
Save me a spot, in case I'm late.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Knowing the facts, hating the facts.
Dear Mom,
"Early diagnosis and treatment of acute promyelocytic leukemia (APL), the M3 subtype of acute myeloid leukemia (AML), is important because patients with APL may develop serious blood-clotting or bleeding problems."
"APL is one of the most frequently cured AML subtypes."
"About 70% to 90% of patients with APL are cured with treatment."
I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done to save you. The cancer hit you hard, and unbelievably fast. I mean, you hear of people having a few months to live, maybe even a few weeks to live. Never do you hear, "Your mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and she won't make it through the night."
I've read the facts, looked up statistics, studied the disease. But nothing ever makes it make any more sense. Nothing ever explains to me why your case of cancer ended your life so soon. Why you didn't get more time. Why you didn't get to say goodbye.
What went from you calling me saying you'd be in the hospital for 30 days, to you going unconscious and never waking up, is a nightmare I pray no one else will ever have to go through.
But it does happen. Cancer diagnoses happen every day.
I've been passion about the American Cancer Society way before you left us. But obviously my reason to fight back has grown stronger. And I will never stop fighting. Not til 854,790 turns into 0.
"Early diagnosis and treatment of acute promyelocytic leukemia (APL), the M3 subtype of acute myeloid leukemia (AML), is important because patients with APL may develop serious blood-clotting or bleeding problems."
"APL is one of the most frequently cured AML subtypes."
"About 70% to 90% of patients with APL are cured with treatment."
I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done to save you. The cancer hit you hard, and unbelievably fast. I mean, you hear of people having a few months to live, maybe even a few weeks to live. Never do you hear, "Your mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia, and she won't make it through the night."
I've read the facts, looked up statistics, studied the disease. But nothing ever makes it make any more sense. Nothing ever explains to me why your case of cancer ended your life so soon. Why you didn't get more time. Why you didn't get to say goodbye.
What went from you calling me saying you'd be in the hospital for 30 days, to you going unconscious and never waking up, is a nightmare I pray no one else will ever have to go through.
But it does happen. Cancer diagnoses happen every day.
I've been passion about the American Cancer Society way before you left us. But obviously my reason to fight back has grown stronger. And I will never stop fighting. Not til 854,790 turns into 0.
If you're reading this, know you CAN make a difference in helping change those numbers. Join American Cancer Society's effort in finding a cure, and help us all celebrate more birthdays. We can do our part in fighting and BEATING the battle of cancer.
Please visit my personal fundraising page for Relay for Life for more information, and even to make a contribution for an amazing cause.
Also know that anything can happen, in an instant. You've all heard "life is short" and "you don't know what you have until it's gone," but believe me... the worst can happen. So love the ones in your life and hold them close now, since you have the chance.
You may not have survived your second battle Mom, but you will always be a fighter in my eyes.
Love you more than you know.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
& I can't wait
Dear Mom,
Last Friday should have been hard. I should have been crying myself to sleep. I should have stayed in bed. I should have been numb, not wanting to so anything.
But that didn't happen. You taught me better than that.
I'm not saying it gets easier. That I don't miss you. No, it definitely still hurts not having you here. But I know that it will always hurt. Thirty years from now, when my kids are in college, it will hurt. When I'm a crazy old lady dancing at my grandkid's wedding, I will miss you. This will never go away, and I know that.
Do I guess Friday was just a day of reflection. Although there was a lull of sadness that gloomed over, I tried to think on the bright side. Having tons of people reaching out to me worked wonders. Although it sucks not having you here, MAN are there a lot of people here who love us to no end.
It brought me back to that night in the hospital. Although it was the worst night of my life, looking around the waiting room, I knew I was in safe hands. Even on that I night I knew that everything was going to be okay.
So I guess as time passes by, it really has become less about hurting at how long I've been without you, and turning into longing and anxiousness about when I will see you again. Because even if its a long ways off, it will be worth the wait.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy loo loo
Last Friday should have been hard. I should have been crying myself to sleep. I should have stayed in bed. I should have been numb, not wanting to so anything.
But that didn't happen. You taught me better than that.
I'm not saying it gets easier. That I don't miss you. No, it definitely still hurts not having you here. But I know that it will always hurt. Thirty years from now, when my kids are in college, it will hurt. When I'm a crazy old lady dancing at my grandkid's wedding, I will miss you. This will never go away, and I know that.
Do I guess Friday was just a day of reflection. Although there was a lull of sadness that gloomed over, I tried to think on the bright side. Having tons of people reaching out to me worked wonders. Although it sucks not having you here, MAN are there a lot of people here who love us to no end.
It brought me back to that night in the hospital. Although it was the worst night of my life, looking around the waiting room, I knew I was in safe hands. Even on that I night I knew that everything was going to be okay.
So I guess as time passes by, it really has become less about hurting at how long I've been without you, and turning into longing and anxiousness about when I will see you again. Because even if its a long ways off, it will be worth the wait.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy loo loo
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I had the best day with you today.
Dear Mom,
So today gave me inspiration to write a more, hmm.. inspiring post than my last one. What a debbie downer I was, starting off the first blog of the new year with gloom! But hey, it happens. And now I am writing to talk about what a great start of the year it has been.
I just got out of my Intro to Disabilities class, and I must say that I am quite inspired! I spoke to my professor after class, and she told me I could use my volunteer hours I need to complete for class in a way that is more useful. She ended up giving me the number of a friend of hers, who is the founder of a speech pathology center here in the city. Hopefully things work out where I can get class credit for working in my future field! Or at least be in close contact with it.
Today was just a really good day. Another being that I heard back from Susan from Be the Match. I am officially donating again! My recipient isn't on the recovery level they want her to be, so I am donating my t cells (I believe?) This essentially means that I will be doing another all-day hospital day, but without the shots that made me woozy and achey. Which is great since I am in school! The only iffy part is that I will be at a different hospital. I am sure Alta Bates is a great facility; I just created a safe zone and comfortability with UCSF. I will be meeting with their staff on monday, though, so that makes me feel a lot better!
And honestly, I have no reason to be nervous. After all, I"ve already done this. I guess it's just a little unsettling, thinking you had done your part, then being told that you need to do it again. Not that it's a drag. It's just something I need to do. I'm just glad that my veins will be happy and healthy, now that I will have food in my stomach without all those silly drugs!
It's on days like these, when things fall into place, that I feel like I have my purpose. I feel a need to be right here, doing what I'm doing. Oh gosh, my song for you "You'll Be there" just started playing on my ipod. Great timing! When good things happen, things that make me think that I am so blessed to have these opportunities, that I really feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel you. I feel your warmth, your support. That undying love is something that I know will last forever. And on days like these, I feel at my best. Because I know you're proud of me. I always knew you were proud of me, but reminders like these feel great.
"Sometimes it seems like I don't have a prayer, let the weather take me anymore, but I know I wanna go where the streets are gold cuz you'll be there.." George Strait knows what he's talking about.
Speaking of George Strait, I am going to be bawling at his concert on Friday!!!!! I know I am not going to be getting much sleep this week since I am too freaking excited! I was thinking about all the songs that I hope he'll sing.. but honestly, he can't go wrong with any set! Of course his work from the 90's are probably my favorite, but just being in the same vicinity as him will be a dream come true! With my best friends by my side, and you will be there too I'm sure.
I love you Mom. I know you will be there with me on donation day, helping me stay calm (and keeping auntie calm! I think she might have been more nervous than me last time.) I just hope that everything goes well so that this journey can come to an end, and I can be another step closer to hearing that my recipient is 100% cancer free and recovered.
I love how I quoted T Swift in the title but talked about George Strait. Oh well, they both remind me of you. Music can do amazing things.
Miss you. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
So today gave me inspiration to write a more, hmm.. inspiring post than my last one. What a debbie downer I was, starting off the first blog of the new year with gloom! But hey, it happens. And now I am writing to talk about what a great start of the year it has been.
I just got out of my Intro to Disabilities class, and I must say that I am quite inspired! I spoke to my professor after class, and she told me I could use my volunteer hours I need to complete for class in a way that is more useful. She ended up giving me the number of a friend of hers, who is the founder of a speech pathology center here in the city. Hopefully things work out where I can get class credit for working in my future field! Or at least be in close contact with it.
Today was just a really good day. Another being that I heard back from Susan from Be the Match. I am officially donating again! My recipient isn't on the recovery level they want her to be, so I am donating my t cells (I believe?) This essentially means that I will be doing another all-day hospital day, but without the shots that made me woozy and achey. Which is great since I am in school! The only iffy part is that I will be at a different hospital. I am sure Alta Bates is a great facility; I just created a safe zone and comfortability with UCSF. I will be meeting with their staff on monday, though, so that makes me feel a lot better!
And honestly, I have no reason to be nervous. After all, I"ve already done this. I guess it's just a little unsettling, thinking you had done your part, then being told that you need to do it again. Not that it's a drag. It's just something I need to do. I'm just glad that my veins will be happy and healthy, now that I will have food in my stomach without all those silly drugs!
It's on days like these, when things fall into place, that I feel like I have my purpose. I feel a need to be right here, doing what I'm doing. Oh gosh, my song for you "You'll Be there" just started playing on my ipod. Great timing! When good things happen, things that make me think that I am so blessed to have these opportunities, that I really feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I feel you. I feel your warmth, your support. That undying love is something that I know will last forever. And on days like these, I feel at my best. Because I know you're proud of me. I always knew you were proud of me, but reminders like these feel great.
"Sometimes it seems like I don't have a prayer, let the weather take me anymore, but I know I wanna go where the streets are gold cuz you'll be there.." George Strait knows what he's talking about.
Speaking of George Strait, I am going to be bawling at his concert on Friday!!!!! I know I am not going to be getting much sleep this week since I am too freaking excited! I was thinking about all the songs that I hope he'll sing.. but honestly, he can't go wrong with any set! Of course his work from the 90's are probably my favorite, but just being in the same vicinity as him will be a dream come true! With my best friends by my side, and you will be there too I'm sure.
I love you Mom. I know you will be there with me on donation day, helping me stay calm (and keeping auntie calm! I think she might have been more nervous than me last time.) I just hope that everything goes well so that this journey can come to an end, and I can be another step closer to hearing that my recipient is 100% cancer free and recovered.
I love how I quoted T Swift in the title but talked about George Strait. Oh well, they both remind me of you. Music can do amazing things.
Miss you. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Raindrops keep falling on my head.
Dear Mom,
So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least.
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately.
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me.
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself.
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though.
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now.
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading.
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine.
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least.
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately.
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me.
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself.
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though.
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now.
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading.
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine.
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I already miss them.
Dear Mom,
I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry.
This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments.
I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life.
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.
Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.
And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not.
I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before.
And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down.
What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do? I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?"
I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you.
Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.
Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry.
This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments.
I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life.
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.
Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.
And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not.
I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before.
And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down.
What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do? I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?"
I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you.
Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.
Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, August 23, 2012
"I just wanted to save a life."
Dear Mom,
So it's been two and a half weeks since my PBSC donation, and many thoughts and emotions have been going though me. It's so weird to think that I gave someone what they needed to survive; and the night of the donation, I was perfectly fine, like nothing even happened. I could move on with my life, fancy free.
Because of this, I became really unemotional about it all. People would ask me if I get to meet to donee. I would respond that I would have to wait either half a year, or a year, depending if the patient wants to meet me. To me, I didn't mind if I met the person or not. I did my part, went through the week long process. Just knowing I went through with it is exhilarating enough for me.
Then, about a week after the donation, I kicked it old school and watched some re-runs of "7th Heaven." In one of the episodes, a woman finally got to meet not just one donee, but three that received different organs from her son who died in a car accident. I was balling like a baby when I saw how emotional she was; so happy that her loss saved three lives. I know my situation is different. But it made me realize that if I ever do meet my recipient, I had better have a whole box of tissues with me. It's going to be so much more emotional than I thought.
Another thought I've been having is a silly question I have been asked a lot.
"What made you decide to donate?"
Now, to me, that is a silly question. And one that is hard to answer without sounding..... snobbish? I mean, I do have a reason for signing up for the registry. A short time after you passed away, I wanted a direct way to help, to give back. I don't remember what I googled one day, but somehow I came upon the Be the Match registry. I read through some of the information and process details, and was dismayed to see that I had to wait until I was 18 to sign up. I talked to my aunt about it, and she was very excited about it all.
So I guess that is one answer to that question. My mom died of Leukemia, so I wanted to save someone else from their battle. But that is a little close and personal. And an unnecessary answer. I mean, to me, if it took someone to die for someone else to sign up, what good would that do? I mean, why can't the answer be plain and simple.
"I just wanted to save a life."
It really is that simple. I mean the odds of a patient to match with someone else's bone marrow are MICROSCOPIC. I feel like just knowing that, people should sign up. If you are healthy and able, are cancer free, are between the ages of 18 and 60, meet the BMI requirements, and have never had spinal surgery, why WOULDN'T you sign up? Call me crazy, but it seems selfish to just sit around and not take action. All you have to do is sign up, and there's a 53/54 chance you will never get called in your lifetime. If you do get chosen, so you go through some manageable pain? Think about what your recipient has to go through every day with their battle of cancer. There is no comparison.
Sorry, I just got really mad all of a sudden. It just.... makes sense to me. I mean, for me, donating gave me a whole new perspective on things. Look at my passion for Be the Match! It means SO much to me when people tell me that I have inspired them to sign up, or when they let me know they are already in the registry. Whether it was someone as close to me as Nancy or Lou Lou (who sent her kit in the mail today! Yay!) or a stranger who was at closing ceremonies at Relay for Life and heard my story. I am so glad I can make a difference.
But you know me, I am never satisfied. I wish more people would sign up. I wish all of my friends would sign up. Heck, I wish it was a requirement for people to sign up! Wouldn't that be something. Think of how many more people could be saved if every healthy person in the world was signed up onto the registry.
Alright, well that's my rant for the night. This is me wishing that more people could be like me, and tell people that "I just wanted to save a life." I can't force people to make that decision though, I know that. It is a big step to take. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe it really is simple.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
P.S. Again, if you read this, please consider following the link and registering for Be the Match. You have the power to save a life.
So it's been two and a half weeks since my PBSC donation, and many thoughts and emotions have been going though me. It's so weird to think that I gave someone what they needed to survive; and the night of the donation, I was perfectly fine, like nothing even happened. I could move on with my life, fancy free.
Because of this, I became really unemotional about it all. People would ask me if I get to meet to donee. I would respond that I would have to wait either half a year, or a year, depending if the patient wants to meet me. To me, I didn't mind if I met the person or not. I did my part, went through the week long process. Just knowing I went through with it is exhilarating enough for me.
Then, about a week after the donation, I kicked it old school and watched some re-runs of "7th Heaven." In one of the episodes, a woman finally got to meet not just one donee, but three that received different organs from her son who died in a car accident. I was balling like a baby when I saw how emotional she was; so happy that her loss saved three lives. I know my situation is different. But it made me realize that if I ever do meet my recipient, I had better have a whole box of tissues with me. It's going to be so much more emotional than I thought.
Another thought I've been having is a silly question I have been asked a lot.
"What made you decide to donate?"
Now, to me, that is a silly question. And one that is hard to answer without sounding..... snobbish? I mean, I do have a reason for signing up for the registry. A short time after you passed away, I wanted a direct way to help, to give back. I don't remember what I googled one day, but somehow I came upon the Be the Match registry. I read through some of the information and process details, and was dismayed to see that I had to wait until I was 18 to sign up. I talked to my aunt about it, and she was very excited about it all.
So I guess that is one answer to that question. My mom died of Leukemia, so I wanted to save someone else from their battle. But that is a little close and personal. And an unnecessary answer. I mean, to me, if it took someone to die for someone else to sign up, what good would that do? I mean, why can't the answer be plain and simple.
"I just wanted to save a life."
It really is that simple. I mean the odds of a patient to match with someone else's bone marrow are MICROSCOPIC. I feel like just knowing that, people should sign up. If you are healthy and able, are cancer free, are between the ages of 18 and 60, meet the BMI requirements, and have never had spinal surgery, why WOULDN'T you sign up? Call me crazy, but it seems selfish to just sit around and not take action. All you have to do is sign up, and there's a 53/54 chance you will never get called in your lifetime. If you do get chosen, so you go through some manageable pain? Think about what your recipient has to go through every day with their battle of cancer. There is no comparison.
Sorry, I just got really mad all of a sudden. It just.... makes sense to me. I mean, for me, donating gave me a whole new perspective on things. Look at my passion for Be the Match! It means SO much to me when people tell me that I have inspired them to sign up, or when they let me know they are already in the registry. Whether it was someone as close to me as Nancy or Lou Lou (who sent her kit in the mail today! Yay!) or a stranger who was at closing ceremonies at Relay for Life and heard my story. I am so glad I can make a difference.
But you know me, I am never satisfied. I wish more people would sign up. I wish all of my friends would sign up. Heck, I wish it was a requirement for people to sign up! Wouldn't that be something. Think of how many more people could be saved if every healthy person in the world was signed up onto the registry.
Alright, well that's my rant for the night. This is me wishing that more people could be like me, and tell people that "I just wanted to save a life." I can't force people to make that decision though, I know that. It is a big step to take. But then again, maybe it isn't. Maybe it really is simple.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
P.S. Again, if you read this, please consider following the link and registering for Be the Match. You have the power to save a life.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
That one time I donated bone marrow.
Dear Mom,
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe that it's all over. It seems like just yesterday I was called almost four months ago, for being a possible match. Now it's the day after for me, and the recipient is receiving my donated PBSC as I type this.
After all the shots, doctors appointments and bloodwork, the drives to UCSF, the pricking and poking, I see why I had to do this. You see mom, even though yesterday was one of the scariest days ever, considering the fact I hate hospitals and needles; What I went through in a mere five days was nothing compared to what my recipient, and all cancer patients, go through every day.
As I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday morning, the big metal needle where the blood was coming out of me and into the spinner machine in my right arm, and they were now taking multiple tries to put an IV into my other hand, I sat there crying; hating the pricking, feeling nauseous and over-exhausted, wanting to go home. I just tried to breathe, and made myself remember that I would get to go home at the end of the day. Others are not so lucky.
I think the most annoying part of the entire day, besides my legs and arms being sore from sitting there for 7 hours, was the nausea. I threw up on the drive to SF the night before, once that morning in the hotel, once in the waiting room, and then once all over myself in the hospital bed. I knew it was the side effects from the drugs, because it had happened a couple days before. They were all worried, and one woman even wanted to draw blood for a pregnancy test. Lady, that would be a complete waste of your time, and even more pricking that I didn't want.
So trying to do this whole process on an empty stomach, causing my veins to be shy, was no bueno. Once they gave me the nausea meds that calmed me down, it was smooth sailing from there. The blood machine stopped beeping every two minute from lack of pressure, from my fingers slightly moving, or from my vein spasms. I was relaxed, watched some shows on TBS, drank some juice, and suddenly we only had one more hour to go.
As I watched the numbers on the machine go up, counting my stem cell collection count, I was relieved. I'm a visual person, and a numbers person, so it was cool to actually see the progress I was making. All they needed from me was half a bag of my stem cells, and I could watch it fill up. I could look at that, and eventually I allowed myself to move my left hand around and look at my IV, but I never had to look at right arm. I didn't even realize that my right arm was free of the needle and such until he had me start moving it up and down, for the first time in 7 hours.
My aunt got all excited when the blood machine went off, saying that everything was collected. It was 1:20 when it was finally all done. I checked in at 6:30 that morning, and after all the prep, started the collection at about 7:45. Needless to say, I was very happy it was all over.
I stayed on the IV for another 10 minutes, allowing the rest of my blood to get back in. It took about 20 minutes to be able to sit up, then stand. I was just relieved my bladder wasn't exploding to the max.
So I guess the nausea left with the collection because when I hobbled back from the bathroom and there was lunch waiting for me on the bed, I swallowed it whole. I had my aunt take a (not very attractive) picture of me eating the banana to show Lou and Nancy that I was feeling a hell of a lot better. I even ate some Ms. Vicki's jalepeno chips, finishing them from the short distance from the school subway to the car.
Now I'm sitting here in my living room, typing this up, bandaid still on my left hand. (There's two pokes under this one, no way I'm taking this off on my own.) I can't believe I got to do this. I was only on the registry for a few months... and now I am sitting here, knowing that a cancer patient is receiving my life saving bone marrow.
People keep telling me that I'm a great person, their hero, and whatnot. But honestly Mom, if it wasn't for you, I don't know if I would have ever signed up. I knew that when I turned 18, I wanted to make a difference in your honor. Fate be have it, I happened to be a perfect match for someone in need. And I have you to thank for it.
It doesn't take much to be a hero. All you need to do is sign up, and let fate work it's course. I hope people read this and know that I'm not the only one who can do this. Most people can sign up; I just hope that those who are of age and of good health WILL sign up. I may have saved one life, but there are plenty of other patients out there who need help.
I know you're proud of me mom. I am so glad I could do this for you. Like Laura Lou said during her emotional closing ceremonies speech in honor of me: this is my way of fighting back. Not just having a Relay team for you, but for signing up and getting the word out for Be the Match. It's just too simple. I'm healthy and able, so there was no reason NOT to sign up.
Okay, I guess I should close this up. Yesterday was an incredible day that I will never forget. I just hope that the recipient will be okay, and will have a healthy recovery, free from cancer.
Thanks for being my inspiration mom.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
P.S. For anyone who reads this, please consider signing up for the registry. It's easy to sign up. You may be called within a few weeks after registration, or never at all. But you'll never know if you can save someone who is battling a life-threatening blood disease until you make that step and sign up for the registry. Visit Be the Match today.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe that it's all over. It seems like just yesterday I was called almost four months ago, for being a possible match. Now it's the day after for me, and the recipient is receiving my donated PBSC as I type this.
After all the shots, doctors appointments and bloodwork, the drives to UCSF, the pricking and poking, I see why I had to do this. You see mom, even though yesterday was one of the scariest days ever, considering the fact I hate hospitals and needles; What I went through in a mere five days was nothing compared to what my recipient, and all cancer patients, go through every day.
As I was sitting in the hospital bed yesterday morning, the big metal needle where the blood was coming out of me and into the spinner machine in my right arm, and they were now taking multiple tries to put an IV into my other hand, I sat there crying; hating the pricking, feeling nauseous and over-exhausted, wanting to go home. I just tried to breathe, and made myself remember that I would get to go home at the end of the day. Others are not so lucky.
I think the most annoying part of the entire day, besides my legs and arms being sore from sitting there for 7 hours, was the nausea. I threw up on the drive to SF the night before, once that morning in the hotel, once in the waiting room, and then once all over myself in the hospital bed. I knew it was the side effects from the drugs, because it had happened a couple days before. They were all worried, and one woman even wanted to draw blood for a pregnancy test. Lady, that would be a complete waste of your time, and even more pricking that I didn't want.
So trying to do this whole process on an empty stomach, causing my veins to be shy, was no bueno. Once they gave me the nausea meds that calmed me down, it was smooth sailing from there. The blood machine stopped beeping every two minute from lack of pressure, from my fingers slightly moving, or from my vein spasms. I was relaxed, watched some shows on TBS, drank some juice, and suddenly we only had one more hour to go.
As I watched the numbers on the machine go up, counting my stem cell collection count, I was relieved. I'm a visual person, and a numbers person, so it was cool to actually see the progress I was making. All they needed from me was half a bag of my stem cells, and I could watch it fill up. I could look at that, and eventually I allowed myself to move my left hand around and look at my IV, but I never had to look at right arm. I didn't even realize that my right arm was free of the needle and such until he had me start moving it up and down, for the first time in 7 hours.
My aunt got all excited when the blood machine went off, saying that everything was collected. It was 1:20 when it was finally all done. I checked in at 6:30 that morning, and after all the prep, started the collection at about 7:45. Needless to say, I was very happy it was all over.
I stayed on the IV for another 10 minutes, allowing the rest of my blood to get back in. It took about 20 minutes to be able to sit up, then stand. I was just relieved my bladder wasn't exploding to the max.
So I guess the nausea left with the collection because when I hobbled back from the bathroom and there was lunch waiting for me on the bed, I swallowed it whole. I had my aunt take a (not very attractive) picture of me eating the banana to show Lou and Nancy that I was feeling a hell of a lot better. I even ate some Ms. Vicki's jalepeno chips, finishing them from the short distance from the school subway to the car.
Now I'm sitting here in my living room, typing this up, bandaid still on my left hand. (There's two pokes under this one, no way I'm taking this off on my own.) I can't believe I got to do this. I was only on the registry for a few months... and now I am sitting here, knowing that a cancer patient is receiving my life saving bone marrow.
People keep telling me that I'm a great person, their hero, and whatnot. But honestly Mom, if it wasn't for you, I don't know if I would have ever signed up. I knew that when I turned 18, I wanted to make a difference in your honor. Fate be have it, I happened to be a perfect match for someone in need. And I have you to thank for it.
It doesn't take much to be a hero. All you need to do is sign up, and let fate work it's course. I hope people read this and know that I'm not the only one who can do this. Most people can sign up; I just hope that those who are of age and of good health WILL sign up. I may have saved one life, but there are plenty of other patients out there who need help.
I know you're proud of me mom. I am so glad I could do this for you. Like Laura Lou said during her emotional closing ceremonies speech in honor of me: this is my way of fighting back. Not just having a Relay team for you, but for signing up and getting the word out for Be the Match. It's just too simple. I'm healthy and able, so there was no reason NOT to sign up.
Okay, I guess I should close this up. Yesterday was an incredible day that I will never forget. I just hope that the recipient will be okay, and will have a healthy recovery, free from cancer.
Thanks for being my inspiration mom.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
P.S. For anyone who reads this, please consider signing up for the registry. It's easy to sign up. You may be called within a few weeks after registration, or never at all. But you'll never know if you can save someone who is battling a life-threatening blood disease until you make that step and sign up for the registry. Visit Be the Match today.
Monday, July 23, 2012
For Katie.
Dear Mom,
I know most of my blogs are about you, or at least, I talk to you. But this entry is going to be a little different. I want to talk about someone else who is special to me.
This, is Katie.
I know most of my blogs are about you, or at least, I talk to you. But this entry is going to be a little different. I want to talk about someone else who is special to me.
This, is Katie.
Katie is my sorority sister. She is kind-hearted, beautiful, and is true. To herself, AGD, and with all of her friends.
She has this spirit about her that lights up the room, and she doesn't even have to try. She is one of the reasons I stuck with sorority life.
All in all, she is a great friend, and an amazing human being.
So when I checked facebook from my phone at the dinner table on June 10th, my stomach sank to the floor. You see Mom, Katie was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I cried and cried... I didn't want to believe it was true.
With time I have seen that Katie has been fighting, and she is even stronger than I thought. What an amazing woman. To have to go through this, yet she is still cheery whenever I talk to her. Every day I text her a random fact or quote, just to help to keep in touch with her, and to try and keep a smile on her face. I love hearing back from her... It keeps a smile on my face too. :)
If you could do anything in your power to watch over her and protect her Momma, I would love that. I can share you as my guardian angel for her.
For anyone else reading this, please pray for a healthy recovery for Katie. You can visit her CaringBridge site to donate a tribute to her!
And Katie, I love you with all my heart. This blog entry does not do you justice for how much you mean to me.
Thank you Katie, for making a difference in my life, and for being another great inspiration for me. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that you are strong. And that you will beat that stupid cancer!
So now Mom, I am doing my PBSC donation for you, and for Katie. <3
I love you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Mrs. Tess's Mom.
Dear Mom,
Awhile ago, Kayla looked through an old TP yearbook, and found this:
Awhile ago, Kayla looked through an old TP yearbook, and found this:
It makes me smile to see your handwriting. Especially since what you are writing is a (normal) smartass comment.
I remember being sad that when you taught math for my class, you hardly ever taught my group. I'm sure that was done on purpose; but I still thought it would be cool if you were my teacher.
All the kids loved you, which made me happy. Sorry, writer's block, I'm tired and can't form complete thoughts.
I'm trying to remember if it was Marshall who gave you your nickname? All I know is that you went along with it and loved helping out the class.
I guess I am too tired to think straight. Wish I had more to say but I guess this is all for now.
Love you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, July 19, 2012
It's all in your head.
Dear Mom,
Attempting to do this from my phone... we'll see how this works out haha.
This past week I have been struggling, thinking. About school, the transplant coming up, my friends, you. I've overloaded myself with so much stress, that I'm letting my summer slip away from me. I'm trying to work on that...
I'm trying to open up more
I'm trying to be more positive
I'm trying to just let thing work their course
I really do think too much. Sometimes I get upset over the littlest things... a friend doesn't text back, people can't make plans, stupid things.
But do they really matter?
I guess what I'm trying to say that I'm growing up, and its hard. Especially without you.
But I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the rest of my summer. I still have 5 more shows of Big River, in 12 days I am donating PBSC, Relay for Life is soon... I have so many things to look forward to, and I need to not freak out over stupid stresses.
I still haven't posted many updates on the donation... basically in one week a home hospital nurse will start the drug injections for me, and the adventure will really begin. All I have left now, is waiting.
Missing you.
Attempting to do this from my phone... we'll see how this works out haha.
This past week I have been struggling, thinking. About school, the transplant coming up, my friends, you. I've overloaded myself with so much stress, that I'm letting my summer slip away from me. I'm trying to work on that...
I'm trying to open up more
I'm trying to be more positive
I'm trying to just let thing work their course
I really do think too much. Sometimes I get upset over the littlest things... a friend doesn't text back, people can't make plans, stupid things.
But do they really matter?
I guess what I'm trying to say that I'm growing up, and its hard. Especially without you.
But I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the rest of my summer. I still have 5 more shows of Big River, in 12 days I am donating PBSC, Relay for Life is soon... I have so many things to look forward to, and I need to not freak out over stupid stresses.
I still haven't posted many updates on the donation... basically in one week a home hospital nurse will start the drug injections for me, and the adventure will really begin. All I have left now, is waiting.
Missing you.
Love Your Baby Doll,
Tessy Loo Loo .
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I'm the Match.
Dear Mom,
So many emotions are running through me right now, it's insane. I'm excited, happy, scared, anxious. It's so insane that this journey of mine to try and donate bone marrow has been so short. I barely registered in November, and now half a year later I find out that I'm a perfect match for a patient. I know in my heart that this was meant to be.
When I got the email from one of the donor center workers, I knew what this meant. I knew that I was about to go through a life changing experience. Not as much for me, but for the patient. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through. I only hope that the transplant works and that she can try to be healthy again.
I'm still a little unsure of the process. All I know is that a home hospital nurse will come to my house for the five days leading up to the donation, injecting me with the drug that increases my PBSC count. (This means I still get to do the play! I just might be in pain.) Then the night before the donation, my aunt and I will drive to Stanford or UCSF or wherever, and stay there until the process is done. I had no idea how crazy the PBSC donation is... you have to be hooked up to the blood machine thingy for 6 hours. SIX. I thought it was a five minute blood drawing, haha. Since I'm not bulky, they're breaking out the donation over two days so I do not completely pass out. I guess I'll bring some magazines? Not really sure how this is going to work haha.
Honestly, I don't care. The discomfort I will be going through is nothing compared to what this patient has been suffering through. That alone will push me to be strong through everything. I'm not that good with a simple shot or blood drawing, so this is going to be quite an accomplishment for me to get through this. And I will be proud of myself once it's all over.
It's kind of cool that the next weekend will be Relay for Life. It will be a huge reminder of why I am doing all this.
On that note Mommy, I want to thank you. Without you, I never would have looked up Be the Match, and I never would have signed up to donate. People tell me that they're proud of me, but I am proud of YOU. I am proud of the example you set for me, and I admire you for being so strong. You may not have won your battle, but I will never forget how strong and how hard you worked throughout the rest of your life. I can only hope that this procedure goes well, and that I will truly feel like I gave back for everything you gave me. <3
Stop crying. :) Do angels still cry? Probably. Anyway, I love you, with all my heart.
This is really happening. It's not just a dream anymore. :)
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
So many emotions are running through me right now, it's insane. I'm excited, happy, scared, anxious. It's so insane that this journey of mine to try and donate bone marrow has been so short. I barely registered in November, and now half a year later I find out that I'm a perfect match for a patient. I know in my heart that this was meant to be.
When I got the email from one of the donor center workers, I knew what this meant. I knew that I was about to go through a life changing experience. Not as much for me, but for the patient. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through. I only hope that the transplant works and that she can try to be healthy again.
I'm still a little unsure of the process. All I know is that a home hospital nurse will come to my house for the five days leading up to the donation, injecting me with the drug that increases my PBSC count. (This means I still get to do the play! I just might be in pain.) Then the night before the donation, my aunt and I will drive to Stanford or UCSF or wherever, and stay there until the process is done. I had no idea how crazy the PBSC donation is... you have to be hooked up to the blood machine thingy for 6 hours. SIX. I thought it was a five minute blood drawing, haha. Since I'm not bulky, they're breaking out the donation over two days so I do not completely pass out. I guess I'll bring some magazines? Not really sure how this is going to work haha.
Honestly, I don't care. The discomfort I will be going through is nothing compared to what this patient has been suffering through. That alone will push me to be strong through everything. I'm not that good with a simple shot or blood drawing, so this is going to be quite an accomplishment for me to get through this. And I will be proud of myself once it's all over.
It's kind of cool that the next weekend will be Relay for Life. It will be a huge reminder of why I am doing all this.
On that note Mommy, I want to thank you. Without you, I never would have looked up Be the Match, and I never would have signed up to donate. People tell me that they're proud of me, but I am proud of YOU. I am proud of the example you set for me, and I admire you for being so strong. You may not have won your battle, but I will never forget how strong and how hard you worked throughout the rest of your life. I can only hope that this procedure goes well, and that I will truly feel like I gave back for everything you gave me. <3
Stop crying. :) Do angels still cry? Probably. Anyway, I love you, with all my heart.
This is really happening. It's not just a dream anymore. :)
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Seems like yesterday.
Dear Mom,
Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well.
Brand new shoes.
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume
Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever
We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?
I get out of the car,
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future
High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.
Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash
Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.
I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop
If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much
No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all
So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well.
Brand new shoes.
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume
Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever
We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?
I get out of the car,
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future
High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.
Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash
Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.
I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop
If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much
No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all
So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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