It's all in your head.

Dear Mom,


Attempting to do this from my phone... we'll see how this works out haha.
This past week I have been struggling, thinking. About school, the transplant coming up, my friends, you. I've overloaded myself with so much stress, that I'm letting my summer slip away from me. I'm trying to work on that...


I'm trying to open up more
I'm trying to be more positive
I'm trying to just let thing work their course
I really do think too much. Sometimes I get upset over the littlest things... a friend doesn't text back, people can't make plans, stupid things.
But do they really matter?
I guess what I'm trying to say that I'm growing up, and its hard. Especially without you.
But I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy the rest of my summer. I still have 5 more shows of Big River, in 12 days I am donating PBSC, Relay for Life is soon... I have so many things to look forward to, and I need to not freak out over stupid stresses.
I still haven't posted many updates on the donation... basically in one week a home hospital nurse will start the drug injections for me, and the adventure will really begin. All I have left now, is waiting.
Missing you.

                                                                               Love Your Baby Doll,

Tessy Loo Loo         . 

"Your Mother and Mine."

Dear Mom, 


I can't seem to get myself to sleep, because I have this song stuck in my head. This happened while trying to google "disney mom quotes" and this was the only thing that came up. 

She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."


What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."




I never really listened to this song before. Now I will. 
I miss you a lot mommy. Sorry I haven't updated this blog much. I've been meaning to do an update with my bone marrow stuff, but I keep forgetting. I will, soon. 




                 Love your babydoll, 
                 Tessy Loo Loo

Stressed. But what else is new?

Dear Mom,

This has been a roller coaster of a weekend. To put in as few words as possible: you never know what life is going to throw at you. And time is a precious thing. I wish everything that my friends are going through would just go away and we all could live a simple care-free summer. But I know life doesn't work like that. The new set of graduates are leaving (3 are going out of state), and I guess it's just hitting me hard. Plus, my friend from school received some of the worst news of her life. 
Sometimes I shut myself out when I'm sad. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to have such supportive friends. 

With all these goofy faces, it's hard to stay stressed. Thank goodness I get to see a lot of these doofs more often now. 

Anyway, don't worry about me. I just worry about my friends when things get tough for them. I hope things clear up soon. 

Miss you. <3 Please watch over Katie for me in her new life journey. Hopefully I will get myself to write more about that later. 

                Love your Baby Doll,

                Tessy Loo Loo

I'm the Match.

Dear Mom, 

So many emotions are running through me right now, it's insane. I'm excited, happy, scared, anxious. It's so insane that this journey of mine to try and donate bone marrow has been so short. I barely registered in November, and now half a year later I find out that I'm a perfect match for a patient. I know in my heart that this was meant to be. 

When I got the email from one of the donor center workers, I knew what this meant. I knew that I was about to go through a life changing experience. Not as much for me, but for the patient. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through. I only hope that the transplant works and that she can try to be healthy again. 

I'm still a little unsure of the process. All I know is that a home hospital nurse will come to my house for the five days leading up to the donation, injecting me with the drug that increases my PBSC count. (This means I still get to do the play! I just might be in pain.) Then the night before the donation, my aunt and I will drive to Stanford or UCSF or wherever, and stay there until the process is done. I had no idea how crazy the PBSC donation is... you have to be hooked up to the blood machine thingy for 6 hours. SIX. I thought it was a five minute blood drawing, haha. Since I'm not bulky, they're breaking out the donation over two days so I do not completely pass out. I guess I'll bring some magazines? Not really sure how this is going to work haha. 

Honestly, I don't care. The discomfort I will be going through is nothing compared to what this patient has been suffering through. That alone will push me to be strong through everything. I'm not that good with a simple shot or blood drawing, so this is going to be quite an accomplishment for me to get through this. And I will be proud of myself once it's all over.

It's kind of cool that the next weekend will be Relay for Life. It will be a huge reminder of why I am doing all this. 

On that note Mommy, I want to thank you. Without you, I never would have looked up Be the Match, and I never would have signed up to donate. People tell me that they're proud of me, but I am proud of YOU. I am proud of the example you set for me, and I admire you for being so strong. You may not have won your battle, but I will never forget how strong and how hard you worked throughout the rest of your life. I can only hope that this procedure goes well, and that I will truly feel like I gave back for everything you gave me. <3 

Stop crying. :) Do angels still cry? Probably. Anyway, I love you, with all my heart. 

This is really happening. It's not just a dream anymore. :)


               Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

Seems like yesterday.

Dear Mom,


Felt like doing some poem writing. Packing has made me so nostalgic. The twirling of the hair thing is what made me want to write this. I will always remember when we were talking about freshman orientation, and you pointed out that you knew I was nervous because I twirled my hair while I walked up to the gym. Reason number 32985480 you know me so well. 


Brand new shoes. 
straightened my hair, to look extra nice
Tons of perfume


Nervousness
I snap at you because I'm so out of it
The car ride seems forever


We get to the gym.
Freshman orientation.
What am I getting myself into?


I get out of the car, 
twirling my hair, my signature nervousness tweak,
And walk away from my past, and look forward to the future


High school.
It's really here.
The start of something new, a whole new world.


Four years, or four seconds.
Filled with memories, tears
It's like one big flash


Now I'm in my college dorm,
packing up, one year down
This is unreal.


I'm not that baby freshman walking to old gym
But I don't feel any older
Can time please stop


If I could show five years ago me what life turned out like
she would have screamed
Things have changed so much


No regrets.
So cliche, but I mean it.
Life has thrown its curveballs, but I survived them all


So freshman me,
How did I turn out?
Am I all that you wanted me to be?




                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo

The call, the inspiration.

Dear Mom,

So, I haven't posted this on here, but something really big happened, mom. On April 21, I got a call from Be the Match, and they told me I am a potential match to someone else. :) I went in and did additional lab work, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
I cannot describe how happy I am that this happened. I am a walking bilboard for advocating bone marrow donations. If I could actually be one of the people who got to save someone's life... I don't think much else can make me proud of myself. Proud that I got to do something so big in honor of you.
I even did my persuasive speech about bone marrow donations. Guess who got an A+ on it? :) I don't think I did very well, but I guess my hard work and passion showed through.

Because of my speech, I inspired my professor to sign up to donate. And I could tell she meant it. That's really all I want from spreading the word about a need for bone marrow donors. If I talk to my entire class, and I inspire one person to make that step in their life, then I made a difference. I hope that people find this video, watch it, and get inspired too.

I am doing really well, Mom. Just preparing for finals, not feeling too scared about it all. I'm ready to end this semester, and start a new one. I'm ready to go home and be with all my best friends. I'm ready to move into a house next year, and really start to settle down in the city. I was going through some rough stuff this semester, but I'm ready to say goodbye to all that crap, and say hello to a new beginning. This call from Be the Match really showed me that there are more important things in life than life's little dramas. 

I love you so much. <3


               Love your Baby Doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo

Thankful.

Dear Mom,


This weekend, I was reminded life is a gift, and should not be taken for granted. 


So in leu of all the emotions that have gone on this weekend from various things, including stress about this summer and the fall, and wishing I could be home tomorrow to release a dove for you, I want to take time to count my blessings. Time for corniness. 


I am thankful for the life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for all the love that I have and all the love that others have for me.
I am thankful for the roof over my head; my hometown home, and my closet room here.
I am thankful for my family, and all they have done for me. 
I am thankful for my best friends, and how they have shown me that they are the ones to lean on.
I am thankful for BB. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my brother. But he's my best friend, and that means so much more than words can describe.
I am thankful for Lou. For giving me hope, for giving me wisdom, for showing me I'm not the only dumby on the planet. For being my rock, for being the Lou to my Poo. 
I am thankful to all my secondary mommies. They mothered me before you were gone, and now my relationships with them have skyrocketed. 
I am thankful for my education. I go to a school in such a cultural city, and I appreciate it so much. I learn so much more here than I ever did in high school. 
I am thankful for music. I don't know what I would do if I was 100% deaf and couldn't enjoy such a wonderful thing.
I am thankful for Emily Jo. She's a year younger than me, but ten years older at heart. I swear she is such an inspiration to me, it's insane. And I don't think she'll ever understand how beautiful inside and out she really is.
I am thankful for all the boys who have broken my heart, because they have taught me to learn to live independently, and I have learned so much about myself. 
I am thankful for my sorority. It's so nice to be a part of such an amazing group of women who support each other so much. I can now see what sisterhood really means.
I am thankful for all my annoying brothers. They are such doofs, but I love them more than anything. 
I am thankful for Taylor Swift's lyrics.
I am thankful for the San Benito Stage Company and the high school drama department. Being on stage is my number one home, and I can't stand that I haven't performed in over a year. Theatre and the families formed in it gave me support, self confidence, and honestly the most fun I will ever have in my life.
I am thankful for all the people in my life who go out of their way to check up on me, to acknowledge me from time to time, just being good friends. A little wall post or text can really make a bad day better. 


But most of all Mommy, I am thankful for you. The life you gave me, the world you brought me to. All the life lessons you didn't know you gave me. The smile we share. Your annoyingly contagious laugh. Your enormous heart and generosity. Your love for me. The love we share. I am so thankful I got to have you for the time I did, because you are the reason I am who I am today. Every good decision I make, it's because I know you are looking down proud of me. 


You're my best friend mom. I miss you so much, but I know that we won't be separated forever. So until the day comes when we get to reunite, I will stay down here, and keep writing to you, making sense of the nonsense of my teenage rambles. 








                Love your babydoll,
                Tessy Loo Loo