Dear Mom,
So I started writing a poem, but it came out really "boo hoo" and "waaaaa" so I am not posting it until further notice. Basically I've been an emotional wreck lately, and I am taking it day by day to figure out why. It's been a tug of war: trying to get my emotions out in the open, but ticking off my friends in the process. Wanting attention and support, but acting closed off and being passive-aggressive. I'm a hot mess, to say in the least.
I think one of my issues is that I really really rely on other people. I have always been the kind of person who needs other people, in some shape or form. Even if I want to have a night in, I'm always texting people, checking facebook, etc. I look at how I live my life, and in some aspects, I really really live for other people. Sometimes I do things for myself, but a lot of the time I rely on others. And lately it's gotten to the point where I'm not getting the exact same thing in return. Not that I have bad friends, I just have been a smothering, attention-needing monster lately.
I wish I knew how to fix this. I mean look at you, you are one of the most independent ladies ever. (But, at the same time, you had plenty of people in your life who would do anything for you, whether you asked them to or not.)
I just think I hate having loss of control, so I try and control the people I love in order to ensure to myself that everything will be fine, and that things can stay the same. I don't do change. So I think I've just been in this denial stage of holding onto everything as close as possible, instead of living my life to the absolute fullest to create the maximum amount of happiness possible. I need to start living for me, instead of chasing after the changes that are happening around me.
I guess this entry isn't sounding any better than my poem. Point is, I wish things were easier. In some aspects there have been good changes. Officially being a Communicative Disorders major, shadowing Marian and Norma at school, choreographing Spamalot. I am thankful for the kinds of opportunities that I have taken on lately. And you know what? I did all of that for myself.
So that's progress, right? And I do understand that change can be good. But I've been crazy negative and whiny lately. I'm working on it, though.
What would you say if you were here? Honestly, it wouldn't matter what you said, it still would have helped. Even just a hug from you would be nice right about now.
I miss all the times where I wouldn't have to explain something to you. You always knew what was going on, who I liked, if something was up. "What ever happened with so-and-so?" "Wait, how did you know I liked him?" Typical mom mind-reading.
I know this will blow over soon. I just feel like Eeyore, with a rain cloud looming over me, when everyone else is all miss mary sunshine.
Anyway, like always, I miss you like crazy. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)
Dear Mom,
George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with.
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season.
I just hope that wherever you are mom, that you are safe and happy. Holidays can be hard without you, but music like this gives me a smile. One of these years I will dig up our old ornaments, all of your stickhorse ones. But for now, I'll just listen to your main man's music, imagining us listening to him together in the car. Just like old times.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
George Strait's Merry Christmas Wherever You Are album will always be my favorite Christmas album. In fact, I think I will always believe that country Christmas music is the best. It's my childhood, what I grew up with.
Well, this song has been ringing in my head this holiday season.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Four months and 2 days ago.
Dear Mom,
It seems like yesterday when I donated bone marrow. D-Day, I like to think of it as. I just got asked about the process of donating, and even though I have explained it dozens and dozens of times, I still get jittery and excited. I love talking about Be the Match! But even more, I love hearing that people are considering signing up themselves.
The more I think about it, the more I am sure.
I want to meet her.
I want to meet the woman, this woman who needed me.
The funny thing is, I needed her too. We needed each other for the same exact reasons.
She needed me, to give her life.
And I needed her, to give me purpose, and closure. An answer to why I am here.
I'm getting all philosophical, and I feel like any minute I will break out into "Purpose" from Avenue Q. But really, she has given me so much. I am so in love with talking about Be the Match, and getting people to listen about my experience. I can never explain enough to people how amazing it was to get to be a part of something where you truly made a significant different in someone else's life. To be a direct cause of something bigger than yourself.
So to be able to meet the person who has given me a mission to get more people to sign up and get a chance to donate... Man. That would be a dream come true. I tear up whenever I imagine it.
We were learning about cancer in class last week, and it was a little unnerving. But whenever I get mad at cancer for hurting so many people in my life, it gives me a drive to keep pushing, keep fighting. I am so glad there are organizations like Relay for Life and Be the Match, where I can feel like I am helping the cause. Helping to fight back. Fight back, the theme for Relay this past year. Two little words, with huge meaning.
I promise Mom. I won't stop fighting, helping others with their battles, until this horrible disease is cured, once and for all.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Readers: You want to learn more about the national bone marrow registry? Be the Match has all the information you need to know. Please consider signing up. You won't know if you're someone's match unless you sign up.
It seems like yesterday when I donated bone marrow. D-Day, I like to think of it as. I just got asked about the process of donating, and even though I have explained it dozens and dozens of times, I still get jittery and excited. I love talking about Be the Match! But even more, I love hearing that people are considering signing up themselves.
The more I think about it, the more I am sure.
I want to meet her.
I want to meet the woman, this woman who needed me.
The funny thing is, I needed her too. We needed each other for the same exact reasons.
She needed me, to give her life.
And I needed her, to give me purpose, and closure. An answer to why I am here.
I'm getting all philosophical, and I feel like any minute I will break out into "Purpose" from Avenue Q. But really, she has given me so much. I am so in love with talking about Be the Match, and getting people to listen about my experience. I can never explain enough to people how amazing it was to get to be a part of something where you truly made a significant different in someone else's life. To be a direct cause of something bigger than yourself.
So to be able to meet the person who has given me a mission to get more people to sign up and get a chance to donate... Man. That would be a dream come true. I tear up whenever I imagine it.
We were learning about cancer in class last week, and it was a little unnerving. But whenever I get mad at cancer for hurting so many people in my life, it gives me a drive to keep pushing, keep fighting. I am so glad there are organizations like Relay for Life and Be the Match, where I can feel like I am helping the cause. Helping to fight back. Fight back, the theme for Relay this past year. Two little words, with huge meaning.
I promise Mom. I won't stop fighting, helping others with their battles, until this horrible disease is cured, once and for all.
Love your babydoll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Readers: You want to learn more about the national bone marrow registry? Be the Match has all the information you need to know. Please consider signing up. You won't know if you're someone's match unless you sign up.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Little snake bites.
Dear Mom,
I had a thought to write a poem about this, since it has to do with one of the best days of my life.
Three months ago I experienced a miracle
Something very few get to do.
I was someone's chosen one, to save her life
To give her a beginning anew.
It was a scary day in the hospital
Not comfortable with all the pricking.
The side effects to my meds were peaking
and to be honest, it was horribly sickening
As much as I wanted it to be over
I wanted to time to stop
I needed to forever remember this day
No further moment could ever top.
I went home feeling better
And I was so proud of what I did
I couldn't believe I made a difference
Maybe I wasn't just a kid.
I looked down at my hand and saw
where the IV attempts left their spots
two on my hand, two on my wrist
Once I was connected, now just dots.
Reflecting on this day makes me smile
those little snakebites still show
barely visible, but still there
for me to look down, and know.
I know what I did that day
I know my dream came true
I know I was able to save someone
and I know I did what I was destined to do.
I kind of hope these marks stay forever. Although I don't particularly like scars, these little snakebites of mine would definitely be an exception.
Love you Mom. Forever and ever.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
I had a thought to write a poem about this, since it has to do with one of the best days of my life.
Something very few get to do.
I was someone's chosen one, to save her life
To give her a beginning anew.
It was a scary day in the hospital
Not comfortable with all the pricking.
The side effects to my meds were peaking
and to be honest, it was horribly sickening
As much as I wanted it to be over
I wanted to time to stop
I needed to forever remember this day
No further moment could ever top.
I went home feeling better
And I was so proud of what I did
I couldn't believe I made a difference
Maybe I wasn't just a kid.
I looked down at my hand and saw
where the IV attempts left their spots
two on my hand, two on my wrist
Once I was connected, now just dots.
Reflecting on this day makes me smile
those little snakebites still show
barely visible, but still there
for me to look down, and know.
I know what I did that day
I know my dream came true
I know I was able to save someone
and I know I did what I was destined to do.
I kind of hope these marks stay forever. Although I don't particularly like scars, these little snakebites of mine would definitely be an exception.
Love you Mom. Forever and ever.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I already miss them.
Dear Mom,
I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry.
This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments.
I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life.
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.
Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.
And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not.
I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before.
And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down.
What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do? I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?"
I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you.
Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.
Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
I've been neglected to write, because sometimes I have so many things to say, and it's hard to keep it to one central theme of an entry.
This weekend I had an amazing time at Alpha Gam's retreat this weekend. I always love re-bonding with my sisters, growing more and more proud of the group of women I get to be a part of. It's not just the emotional bonding games, staying in a creepy haunted house together all weekend; it's all the things in between for retreat.. The little things that add up to the big moments.
I started thinking about all the close friends that I have in my life. whether from school or home. And I have come to realize that a good majority of them are about to be at a different place in life.
A lot of my friends are graduating college.
A lot of my friends live in a different state.
A lot of my friends are still in high school.
A lot of my friends are transferring to a different school.
Thinking about all this, I can't help but wish I was at a different point in my life. I wish I was older, so I could share those college memories with all of my older friends, and not lag behind. I feel like all my older friends are growing up, obviously. But I feel like pretty soon they are going to have their life together... have their life together in a way that is completely different from mine. I'm not trying to be selfish, I want my friends to happy and live their life to the fullest. But it also sucks feeling like everyone is slipping out of your reach.
And thus the story of growing up is continuing to be written. I know growing up equals change. But hey, you know me, I'm not one for change. If anything I want to skip ahead 5 years, to get a glimpse at where I will be, who will still be in my life, what I will be doing. Maybe if I saw something I didn't like, I would change things now. Maybe not.
I know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. And the people who truly matter in my life will always be there for me, in some way, shape or form. But it's weird thinking about how pretty soon when I go home for breaks, there won't be friends to go home to. At least, not like before.
And this entry doesn't include all of those friends who still live at home, still will be here at school next year, and whatnot. I am thankful for those who will still be around. But... oh man I'm talking in circles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want life to take a pause, and just slow down.
What would you say to all this? What would you want me to do? I have so many stresses running through my head. "My friends are moving!" "What if I don't get into my major?" "How will I be able to come home for winter break if I'm not in the city making money babysitting, how will I pay for gas money?" "Do I want to move in with friends next year?"Do I want to study abroad?" "Do I really know what I'm doing with my life?"
I'm pretty sure you would hug me and tell me I worry too much. And I know I do. But I learned that from you.
Anyway, I really miss you. Wish I could vent to you in person, but making myself write to you is the next best thing. I was really happy this morning... A sister told me today (via note) that she found it pretty brave that I have this blog, that it's so inspiring and heartfelt. I love that even people who don't know you are able to enjoy reading this. Give me even more drive to make more entries to you.
Anyway, this is me talking in circles. But, whatever. I love you, and I will try and write more. <3
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
Dear Mom,
Random fact: the lead singer of Train lost his mother to cancer, and she came to him in a dream. In this dream, she was flying around the galaxy. He woke up, and started working on this song.
This song has such a bigger meaning now, and is even prettier. :)
Sometimes I'm like this. I want to ask you what everything is like for you now. What heaven is like, how does the world look from here. Who knows, maybe you spend all your time floating around the galaxy, seeing a different view of everything.
I feel like there is some inside joke with "deep fried chicken." Such a random thing to mention. Of course if I ever wrote a song about you, there would be nothing but randomness.
Miss you every day, mommy. Please look over Katie. She's getting her transplant this week. <3
LOVE LOVE LOVE you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Random fact: the lead singer of Train lost his mother to cancer, and she came to him in a dream. In this dream, she was flying around the galaxy. He woke up, and started working on this song.
This song has such a bigger meaning now, and is even prettier. :)
Sometimes I'm like this. I want to ask you what everything is like for you now. What heaven is like, how does the world look from here. Who knows, maybe you spend all your time floating around the galaxy, seeing a different view of everything.
I feel like there is some inside joke with "deep fried chicken." Such a random thing to mention. Of course if I ever wrote a song about you, there would be nothing but randomness.
Miss you every day, mommy. Please look over Katie. She's getting her transplant this week. <3
LOVE LOVE LOVE you.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Flash. Little Moments.
Dear Mom,
Flash.
Summer before seventh grade. We are at Sally and Sara's (old) house. Sara, Amanda, and I are practicing singing "Angel" for luminaries. I can't even look at you because you have tears rolling, no, RACING, down your face. Tears of joy. Kathy laughs at this, because everyone knew how sentimental you are.
Flash.
Sophomore year. I am asking for family heirlooms for my Mr. Moore project. You're in your room, going through old jewelry, showing me old things of my grandmother. You then find your engagement ring, the gold rose one. I ask if I can have it, taking it away before you give me an answer. If we hadn't had that conversation, a few weeks later, I would not have known how important that piece of metal was, would not have held it close like I do now.
Flash.
Shannon's baby shower for Brody. You laughing at me and Sara while we eat the baby food. Watching you carefully write in her baby book.
Flash.
Every friday night. We were either out to dinner or shopping with Danny and Nancy, or over at Janet's house. Because it's against the rules to cook dinner on fridays.
Flash.
Single digit age. You rocking me singing "Rock a bye baby," rolling me to the floor when it got to "then down will come baby, cradle and all." Put on repeat for a good half hour, I can imagine. This goes along with me trying to sing the lyrics to Knickerbocker.
Flash.
Fruit salad. You made a lot of fruit salads.
Flash.
You were in the bathroom, showing off you "Ciara" perfume, and it was driving me nuts that you would NOT pronounce her name correctly. Little did you understand that you were wearing the perfume of someone with a song named "My Goodies."
Flash.
Seventh grade. You and Michelle were in the front seat (obviously) and Kayla and I in the back. Passed by Tres Pinos School after the 8th grade graduation, stating "hey, this will be us next year!" You and Michelle were not thrilled with this idea.
Flash.
Fourth grade dance classes. You would be sitting off to the side sewing my fairy halloween costume.
Flash.
Getting in the car after Shirley's funeral. Discussing how delighted we were with the reverend, agreeing that she would be the best choice for someone's funeral service. You saying "If we ever go to church, we are going to her's." Four months later, she was the reverend at your funeral for this very reason.
Flash.
Doing my sixth grade project about a musical artist, and doing it about George Strait. Interviewing you, learning about different concerts you've been to, how you've seen him when he was playing small shows in Salinas before he got big. Laughing at your starstruck face.
Flash.
Every Christmas or birthday. Always getting you some sort of jewelry. Usually a pin. And you wore them all, even the tacky ones.
Flash.
Barbie. I should have an entry by itself just for this story, I can't control my laughter remembering this for the first time in awhile. When you had died your hair this time, you and Janet were too busy watching Providence that you didn't rinse out your hair soon enough, so your hair turned out platinum blonde. The next day I walked behind you on the couch and was startled. You asked what was wrong and I replied "I thought you were Barbie!"
Flash.
Wasn't too long before it happened. I get a text from Danny asking what your middle name is, and you barge into my room, on the phone with Nancy, and say "DON'T TELL HER WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS!" And when you finally told them, they didn't believe you. I never got why you didn't like that name, it really isn't that awful. I guess that's why you went simple for mine, "nicole." It's hard to hate a name like that.
Flash.
Listening to you quietly attempt to sing in the car. I guess you weren't THAT bad but it was hard to know what your voice really sounded like if you never let me hear it.
Flash.
You burnt the sausage. I walk into the kitchen, which is almost completely black. Instead of turning off the stove, I run into the laundry room and scold you for trying to burn the house down. Because I am a helpful daughter.
Flash.
Your Christmas sweater. The black one with a pyramid of white teddy bears, reaching for a star.
Flash.
Every night since I was 2 or 3. The goodnight dialogue that never failed.
*Kissing cheek or forehead* Goodnight Mom.
Goodnight Baby Doll
See you in the morning
See you in the morning too
Love you
Love you too.
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
It's all the little things, all these little moments, that fill up my memory. I try and reflect, try and take time to remember. Because I will hate myself if I ever forget what you were like.
It's these little moments that I miss the most. The ones that in normal life would not make a difference to me. But now, it's all I have. And now, it's all I want. For all of these every day moments, to happen now.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
Flash.
Summer before seventh grade. We are at Sally and Sara's (old) house. Sara, Amanda, and I are practicing singing "Angel" for luminaries. I can't even look at you because you have tears rolling, no, RACING, down your face. Tears of joy. Kathy laughs at this, because everyone knew how sentimental you are.
Flash.
Sophomore year. I am asking for family heirlooms for my Mr. Moore project. You're in your room, going through old jewelry, showing me old things of my grandmother. You then find your engagement ring, the gold rose one. I ask if I can have it, taking it away before you give me an answer. If we hadn't had that conversation, a few weeks later, I would not have known how important that piece of metal was, would not have held it close like I do now.
Flash.
Shannon's baby shower for Brody. You laughing at me and Sara while we eat the baby food. Watching you carefully write in her baby book.
Flash.
Every friday night. We were either out to dinner or shopping with Danny and Nancy, or over at Janet's house. Because it's against the rules to cook dinner on fridays.
Flash.
Single digit age. You rocking me singing "Rock a bye baby," rolling me to the floor when it got to "then down will come baby, cradle and all." Put on repeat for a good half hour, I can imagine. This goes along with me trying to sing the lyrics to Knickerbocker.
Flash.
Fruit salad. You made a lot of fruit salads.
Flash.
You were in the bathroom, showing off you "Ciara" perfume, and it was driving me nuts that you would NOT pronounce her name correctly. Little did you understand that you were wearing the perfume of someone with a song named "My Goodies."
Flash.
Seventh grade. You and Michelle were in the front seat (obviously) and Kayla and I in the back. Passed by Tres Pinos School after the 8th grade graduation, stating "hey, this will be us next year!" You and Michelle were not thrilled with this idea.
Flash.
Fourth grade dance classes. You would be sitting off to the side sewing my fairy halloween costume.
Flash.
Getting in the car after Shirley's funeral. Discussing how delighted we were with the reverend, agreeing that she would be the best choice for someone's funeral service. You saying "If we ever go to church, we are going to her's." Four months later, she was the reverend at your funeral for this very reason.
Flash.
Doing my sixth grade project about a musical artist, and doing it about George Strait. Interviewing you, learning about different concerts you've been to, how you've seen him when he was playing small shows in Salinas before he got big. Laughing at your starstruck face.
Flash.
Every Christmas or birthday. Always getting you some sort of jewelry. Usually a pin. And you wore them all, even the tacky ones.
Flash.
Barbie. I should have an entry by itself just for this story, I can't control my laughter remembering this for the first time in awhile. When you had died your hair this time, you and Janet were too busy watching Providence that you didn't rinse out your hair soon enough, so your hair turned out platinum blonde. The next day I walked behind you on the couch and was startled. You asked what was wrong and I replied "I thought you were Barbie!"
Flash.
Wasn't too long before it happened. I get a text from Danny asking what your middle name is, and you barge into my room, on the phone with Nancy, and say "DON'T TELL HER WHAT MY MIDDLE NAME IS!" And when you finally told them, they didn't believe you. I never got why you didn't like that name, it really isn't that awful. I guess that's why you went simple for mine, "nicole." It's hard to hate a name like that.
Flash.
Listening to you quietly attempt to sing in the car. I guess you weren't THAT bad but it was hard to know what your voice really sounded like if you never let me hear it.
Flash.
You burnt the sausage. I walk into the kitchen, which is almost completely black. Instead of turning off the stove, I run into the laundry room and scold you for trying to burn the house down. Because I am a helpful daughter.
Flash.
Your Christmas sweater. The black one with a pyramid of white teddy bears, reaching for a star.
Flash.
Every night since I was 2 or 3. The goodnight dialogue that never failed.
*Kissing cheek or forehead* Goodnight Mom.
Goodnight Baby Doll
See you in the morning
See you in the morning too
Love you
Love you too.
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
It's all the little things, all these little moments, that fill up my memory. I try and reflect, try and take time to remember. Because I will hate myself if I ever forget what you were like.
It's these little moments that I miss the most. The ones that in normal life would not make a difference to me. But now, it's all I have. And now, it's all I want. For all of these every day moments, to happen now.
Love your baby doll,
Tessy Loo Loo
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