My wish.

Dear Mom,


"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too, yeah this, is my wish."


I always listen to Rascal Flatts, but tonight I wanted to share those lyrics with you. Just, in my head, this is all in past tense. I kind of giggle while reading "you never need to carry more than you can hold." Goodness knows that you did more than your fair share of work, with whatever it was that you were doing. 
I really want to know what it's like to be in heaven. I hope you are happy and safe there. <3 Or to better follow the theme of this post, I WISH you are safe and happy. 


Can you believe that I will be home for the summer in a month? Freshman year flew by way too fast.


Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love you. <3




                Love your Baby Doll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Three years.

Dear Mom,


Okay. FIRST OF ALL. I would like to share with you a horrible and horrifying thing I just found out. First off, a "Pure Country 2" was made. They tried to make a sequel of this 1992 classic TWO YEARS AGO. Would you like to hear a synopsis? 
"From the director of the 1992 hit Pure Country comes this heartwarming story of three angels who bestow the gift of song upon a young girl named Bobbie (Katrina Elam), who must learn to follow their rules if she wants to keep her extraordinary talent. As she grows up, Bobbie's voice brings her fame in the world of country music, but will she be able to regain her talent after her misbehavior causes the angels to take back their gift?"

....Okay what the hell is that crap?? Angels? I really wish I could have shared this moment with you in person. This movie has George Strait in it... as himself... not as Dusty... So.... they basically just used the movie title for people to see the movie, but it has NOTHING to do with Pure Country. Just the same country star and director. People these days.... this is just a disgrace! 


Anyway, I had to share this with you. So, I'm really cool and decided to watch the recital dvd from 2009, when they made that beautiful dedication to you. I needed a good cry. And I probably will continue to have little outbursts for the next twenty four hours. 


You see, for some reason, every year, it's just not easy. In two and a half hours it will be exactly three years since I lost you. It just bewilders me. That just seems so far away. How have I managed to live without you for three entire years? It just breaks my heart realizing that. I guess it should be a good thing that I have come so far since then. But right now it just sounds awful. I hate that I've had to live without you for that long. 


I'm sitting attempting to write out my feelings, wearing your George Strait concert shirt and taz sweatshirt, snuggling with my hospital blankie from that night, listening to all the songs that remind me of you; hoping that some sort of inspiration will come. Something to honor you by. But it's hard to put into words how hard it is to miss someone you love so very much. 


How about we move to a happier point. 

To me, it's all about the little things that get added up. Like this picture. It seems more than a coincidence that we took this photo together 3 or 4 months before you died, when the next recent picture is from when I graduated the 8th grade. It just makes me smile that I have this. So many people will look at this and say that I look just like you. To me, this picture just proves how much prettier than me you are. Seriously, I can't believe you smiled your real amazing smile for this picture. It makes me so happy that I can keep this picture forever. Every time I look at it, I can see everything that made us, us. It shows our inseparable love. 

Maybe instead of feeling sad, I can feel lucky. I can brag about the mom I have that exceeds anyone's expectations of a "good person." I know you're shaking your head at me, but it's true. Losing you wasn't just hard for me; everyone lost you. I still feel weird seeing other people being seamstresses for shows, and you're not with them. You affected so many lives, Mom. No one else could ever compare to you. 

So yeah, I am lucky. I know that. And maybe I shouldn't feel especially sad today. I mean, I can get sad year round. But it's hard thinking about where I was 3 years ago. By this time I was told you weren't going to make it through the night. It's just not the greatest thing to think about over again. Yet, I continue to do so. It's hard not to.

Sorry, I keep going back and forth between happy and sad, but that's just how I work in times like these I guess. You make me the happiest person in the world. Which also can make me feel like the saddest person in the world, knowing you're gone.

I love you so much Mom. I can never say it enough. Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But sometimes life just makes you live through the nightmares I guess. 

Alright, now it's midnight, officially the worst date of the year. I wish you were here with me. I wish I was home. 

But for now, I think it's time that I snuggle in your old clothes, and try to have good dreams tonight. 

Goodnight mommy. I miss you. 

               Love your baby doll, 

               Tessy Loo Loo

Surprise trip.

Dear Mom, 


This is going to be a quick entry since I should be in bed. But I had a really strange dream last night. Or strange enough for me to still remember it now. 


So Sara was all packed up to go to Disneyland, and she informed me that I was going too. Sweet right? But she was being all secretive, like she was hiding something. As I was about to make a call to ask permission to go, all of a sudden we were at disneyland. Sara. Me. And you. 


It was the best surprise in the world. 


I don't remember much after that. I just remember cuddling with you, watching the fireworks. You were so happy being there with me. And I just couldn't believe that you were there with me, at the happiest place on earth. Of course, now any place with you could be the happiest place in the entire universe. 


I woke up feeling warm and comforted like no other. It wasn't until I woke up in the morning later, that I got a hit of sadness, wishing that it was real.


Nevertheless, I like it when you check up on me like that in my dreams. Of course I wish I could see you in real life. But if seeing you in my dreams is the only option, then I'll take it. 




               Love your baby doll,
                Tessy Loo Loo 

A heart of gold.

Dear Mom,


I thought of this entry about a week ago, so i  finally got out pen and paper and spilled it all out. Kind of rusty and at a writer's block, so this is the best I could do. 

I own something very special
Something I wear over my heart
This isn't just a chunk of gold
But something which I will never part.


I usually call it a locket,
Even though a picture it does not store
Inside this necklace is a piece of someone,
So she can be with me even more.


I chose the rose because of her ring
another item i hold dear
To me, a rose stands for beauty
It stands for her; makes her still be here


On the back, it's engraved
in an appropriate broadway font.
I really can't wait to see her in that musical in the sky.
To see her happy in heaven, that's what I want.


I wear her each and every day
over my heart, where she belongs.
When I'm nervous, I rub it and hold her close
listening and feeling for her warmth, her song.


I miss my mommy every day
but I know I'm lucky, having this heart of gold.
Even if she's away in another place
I will still have a piece of her that I can always hold.

              Love your baby doll, 

               Tessy Loo Loo

Writing&Thinking.

Dear Mom, 

Well, three years is just around the corner… It hasn’t really hit me. I have been saying/thinking three years for a little while now, so I’m not sure if I will be super sad this year. Which, you know, might be a good thing.

I remember junior year when one year hit.. I think I slept like 3 hours that night. I started folding laundry at 4 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep. Of course I didn’t have too much of a problem on easter because… I was in Spain… haha J

I was thinking about junior year English class, and how Mr. Peters had us write an eyewitness story. He knew you had recently passed, so he kind of glanced at me and told the class, “Don’t shed tears over this. I don’t want this assignment to upset anyone.” I just smiled and thought, “Challenge accepted.” And then I wrote that story about that horrible Easter eve/morning, April 12, 2009. I’m so glad I wrote that story… and the feedback I got from him was great. It really empowered me that I could tell that story, and that I really knew I told it well.

I really wish I wrote more. I used to write poems and stuff all the time, and you loved them. I guess this blog helps my writing outlet to an extent. I’ll try writing more poems for you.

I’m not really sure how to end this entry… I kind of was just preluding for whatever is going to come. Or not.

I just really want to talk to you. 

             Love your baby doll, 

             Tessy Loo Loo

Missing you, and everything else.

Dear Mom,


Today when I was taking a glorious nap, I had a dream. It was of course a random dream, and had nothing to do with you. I was lost at an airport with some friends, and all I remember is thinking about a zebra, and thinking of you, then I started crying. (In the dream.) It made no sense. 
It kind of carried on over to real life though. Of course I miss you all the time, but I guess it took a random dream to remind me again. When I woke up from the dream, all I wanted was to cuddle with you.


You're not the only one I miss. Sometimes I feel far away from some of my closest friends. It's really hard to not communicate with people you used to talk to all the time. I wish I knew how to fix that. 
This is a weird sense of loneliness. Some people I feel closer to than I would have ever imagined. But maybe that's because I had to fill in space for the ones who decided to replace me. 


When I miss you, I get into thinking mode, and start thinking about everything in a gloomy and critical light. I guess that's what makes this blog good for me. 


So now I am going to go to sleep, and wake up to a brand new day. (It's hard to say that without cringing since I absolutely despise Mondays.)


I love you.




              Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

Not alone.

Dear Mom,


It's a weird thing how people can find comfort in instances of tragedy. 


Today, I discovered two people that I know have also lost their mothers. When I was told this I felt... all over the place. But all in all, I felt comforted. I mean, I hate that so many other people out there have felt the same kind of pain that I have had to go through. I would never ever wish this on someone else. 
But knowing that you're not the only one going through this, knowing that you're not alone... it's nice. It's really nice. 


It breaks my heart to know that I have to use two hands to count how many people in my life that I know are struggling through their high school or college lives, while going through a loss of a parent. But I think the experiences we go through when we attempt to heal that pain, really lets us help those around us. 


Okay, getting a little overgeneralizedy here. All I'm trying to say is that it's really nice to know that there are people close to me that know what it's like to lose a parent. And even though that's a horrible thing to have in common with someone, at least we have each other to lean on when the bad days come. 




              Love your baby doll, 
               Tessy Loo Loo


P.S. I'm getting a tattoo. You have been warned. I'll explain more on that later. :) I know you're grimacing right now, but know that there's a lot of meaning behind it, and I'm obsessing over it. More on that later. :)