Five.

Dear Mom,

5 minutes before. 
 I'm holding your hand, ever so gently. Wanting this moment to last forever, yet wanting you to be rid of this pain. Thinking of good memories while trying to look past your sickly appearance. Knowing well that you deserve to be free, that this is not where you should be. Rubbing your hand, wiping your face. Telling you that I will be okay.

5 minutes after
 Tears keep coming. Everything's spinning. Nothing is real. Surrounded by many, yet feeling alone. Shaking.What will I do? It's always been me and her. Her and me. Where will I go? How do I live without her? Sobbing, sobbing. I want to go back. I wish I had been nicer this week. I want to hug her. Feel her. Have her with me and tell me she's not really going. Why did she have to go? Did I do something wrong? This is a dream. This happened to fast, it can't be real. I never thought this could happen. Can't imagine filling the hole that is lost. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.

5 hours later
 Finally in bed, drifting to sleep. Laying next to my Laura, who has been a trouper for me. Not knowing what's going to happen next, but knowing that at least, right now, I am safe.

5 days later
 Not enough seats in the funeral home, standing room only. Slideshow of memories. Empty urn, our little secret about the ashes not getting there in time. Plenty of tears, and smiles to go around. Friends singing. Really feeling in my heart that you say it best when you say nothing at all. So many people sharing a part of themselves, the part they shared with you. People stare, watching me go up. Shaking. I speak, hardly looking at my notes, because it's hard to narrow down exactly what to say about you. You weren't just the master of sewing, or pedro. You were more than just the permanent stage mom, or parent club member. And believe it or not, you were more than just George Strait's biggest fan. You were you. You were my mom. Words can't describe our relationship, no matter how hard I try. People knew we were each other's everything. Looking around, I see how many people you touched. And it let's me know that they are there for me.

5 weeks later
Wishing you were here for my first prom. Wanting you here to help me get ready. Imagining you sitting on the couch crying, seeing your little girl. I push through it. Spend an entire day leaving behind my world of despair. For a moment, I am happy.

5 months later
Mr. Peters tells us to write an eyewitness story. Something you've experienced that you feel you can share. Looking at me, he says that this doesn't have to get too personal. Challenge accepted. Barely stayed within the 5 page maximum. Writing about that night was nothing less than therapeutic. Turning it in, I feel accomplished. Here is a keepsake of what happened. My last moments with her.

5 years later. 
Less than 4 hours until the exact moment I dread every year. Many tears came with writing this post, because it's so baffling how much time has passed. Every year, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 1, 2, 3, 4, now 5. Look how much has changed in 5 years. What would you do if you were here with me now? Would it be the same? It's funny thinking about back then, about every fight we had in the car because we could never hear each other on our deaf sides. How you stole the Freak Friday punishment by not letting me close my door one time when I was bad. Things that seemed so important and aggravating at the time, and now they just seem stupid. And funny.
Not sure how tomorrow will go, or tonight when I check the time in the middle of the night. But I do know, that no matter what day it is, you are always here, watching over me. Loving me, laughing with me, being here. I wish you could share my life with me, meet all my new friends, and be with me as I continue to struggle through college. It's not the same without you, and it's frightening.

But one day, we will reunite, in that Big Musical in the sky. And it will be the best welcoming imaginable. We'll be dancing along the night of day, and head on down to the milky way.




                 Love your babydoll,
                 Tessy Loo Loo

And another angel gets her wings.

Dear Mom,

Tonight, I am heartbroken
for the loss of someone I never met
She was an answer to my prayers
She helped replace earlier grief, with hope
Those dreams have shattered

Tonight, I am angry
at the disease that has already taken my world away
It stole my parent
It now has stolen someone part of me
"Leukemia" has gone too far. 

Tonight, I am confused
because this was never supposed to happen
I didn't know she wasn't recovering
I didn't anticipate this kind of pain
Shock doesn't begin to cover it

Tonight, I am numb
because this all too overwhelming
I know I added time to her to her life
I know I have made many impacts
Soon I will see this, but for now I will grieve. 




Rest in paradise, my dear bone marrow recipient. I always dreamed of meeting you, with your whole family. I never thought this day would come so soon when I would have to mourn your loss. I cannot imagine what your family is going through so close to the holidays (assuming this happened recently.) I am sorry you were not able to win your battle. 

I hope you and my recipient are able to meet in Heaven, mom. Although it hurts that this disease has affected me, and people in general, so much.... I know that she is no longer suffering. If she wasn't able to win her battle, then it was her time to be relieved of the pain she had been going through. I know that. And I am grateful. 

I love you, Mom. Today's news has made me miss you more than ever. I wish you were here to comfort me. At one point when I was crying tonight, I blew up into full on sobs; old grief creeping up on me, old feelings returning. I know in either case, there was nothing I could do. Your health was in no way my control. It was up to fate what would happen, and unfortunately it was not and ending anyone expected. I wish I could change it, but I can't. 




Love you, Mom. Please help me get through this. 



                Love your babydoll, 
                Tessy Loo Loo

Small dream grows: the road to the donor drive.

Dear Mom,

"There's nothing more life changing than saving a life."
"I'm committed to saving lives."
"Being a donor forever binds you."
"Love ties people together"
"I am forever bound to something that's bigger than myself"
"Committed to donate, committed to save a life."

These are just some of the ideas from a brainstorming sesh between Ashlyn and me, for the artwork she is donating to my donor drive. Donor drive? Yes, my dream is finally becoming a reality. On January 11th, I am holding an event to sign people up for Be the Match. 

It's crazy to think that this time two years ago, I had barely signed up for the registry. It was more like a bucket list thing. I never thought I would actually get matched to someone. 

Now here I am, trying to study for finals while organizing a donor drive, with the help of the mayor of Hollister and Robert Guerrero. I have the help of many local donors and volunteers, and the support of so many people. This is going to be INSANE. Insanely GREAT. 

I mean come one, is this real life?! 

I am so lucky to be from such a loving and generous community. I have tons of donors, like how Taunya is going to be crocheting like crazy, Tina's trying to get one of her Sharks photographs autographed, SBSC is donating a membership basket, Lindsay is donating a gift certificate for her cupcakes and is also making cupcakes for the actual event... and now Janell with Oragami Owl Jewelry is going to do an online jewelry party with me, where half the proceeds go toward the drive! 

My biggest fear is that people won't show up to the event. I can spread the word and talk about it all I want. But people actually taking the time to attend, and make that decision to sign up, that's a different story. All I can do is push push push, and hope for the best. 

And once again, you are my inspiration for all the crazy things that I do. Like running for philanthropy coordinator for AGD... so there's another path of opportunities. :) 

Love you mom. Forever and ever. 

                Love your babydoll,

                Tessy Loo Loo

Since it's Nancy's birthday tomorrow.

Dear Mom,

So I haven't written in awhile because things have been crazy busy. Junior year is kicking my butt. 

I thought I would tribute this entry to a certain person's birthday tomorrow. Why not? 

I remember when the two of you started getting closer when I was in about the 4th grade. Danny got

me into doing theatre, and it was during my first show that you guys started spending a lot of time together. As Danny and I would hang out and cause trouble in the empty rehearsal room (which is now a furniture store, by the way), all you moms would be sewing away townspeople and native american costumes. We were then hanging out because of 4H, parents club meetings, and then began the never ending shopping trips. So many car trips happened, to Gilroy for dinner, or seeing plays together. The two of you were so different, yet so the same. You guys would enjoy ganging up on me, danny, or both of us simultaneously. We would give Danny rides to school, I would spend summers at the shop by his house, Nancy drove me places. A lot of it blurs together, into an embedded memory of the dynamic duo that I hold so close in my heart.

Now it's Fall of my junior year of college, and things have changed so much. One of the biggest changes wasn't so much a change, but an improvement, or growth: my ever-growing love and respect for this amazing woman. I have many places I like to call home, whether it's all of Hollister, being with my family, back roads, the granada theatre, etc. But I have to say that having Nancy as an extended momma is an entire definition of Home for me. When I'm with her, I feel you with me. She makes me feel loved, safe, supported, and complete. 

I could say so many things about this woman to show why I am proud to call her my momma. I am happy that I've gotten to perform with her on stage. I am thankful she has constantly given me rides to various places these past 11 years. I am forever grateful for her taking care of me and being there with me through our shared time of tragedy. Even though she was missing her best friend and hurting, she still putting my needs first. I cannot describe in sufficient words how proud of her I am for making the decision to make healthier choices, which led her to lose an incredibly impressive amount of weight, leading her to register for Be the Match. All of these things and more make me grateful to have her as one of my biggest role models.  

I love you Nancy. Thank you for being an amazing support system after all this time. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I am endlessly thankful that you are my mom's best friend, and that you are my second momma. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for always being my go-to person when I need advice, or when I need some sense knocked into me. But most of all, thank you for being you. 

We miss you every day, Mom. Thanks for watching over us. 

                Love your babydoll, 

                Tessy Loo Loo 

A year and 28 days ago.

Dear Mom, 

So yesterday I decided to email Susan, my representative from Be the Match who helped me with my entire donation process. I sent her the youtube link to the video of my speech. I was not quite sure what she would think of it or if she would even watch it right away. Early this morning I got an email back from her with this: 

"Thank you so much for sharing the video with me. You are truly a beautiful person and are destined to make a difference in this world. When I first met you I knew you were special and the video and your mission just reinforces by belief. You are an inspiration."

Hearing this from someone who has worked with so many other donors like myself, and the woman who made the donation process so incredibly easy, meant the world to me. It's this kind of encouragement that keeps pushing me to spread my story to the world, for anyone who will listen!

There have been many times where friends of mine will bring it up, and say that they are thinking about signing up. If they don't stop me, I can talk their ear off for a half hour straight, at least. I am just so obsessed with what Be the Match does. Not only that, but if I explain how simple and easy the donation process really is, and how fulfilling it is, I know people will feel better about signing up. I understand how scary it might sound. Most people hear "bone marrow" and want to run. But if I educate people about how enlightening and inspiring the experience is for the donor, then they can get the real story. 

I just can't believe it's been over a year since that early Monday morning. My favorite memory of that day was when it hit afternoon, and Auntie walked over to the blood machine and could see I was just about done. It was like I was dreaming and finally woke up. And then it hit me. Not just that I would soon be free of the needles and be able to stand up for the first time in like 7 or 8 hours. But that I did it. I just changed this stranger's life forever. 

Not only that, but I changed mine. 

I really hope that when I'm settled down in life and have more time and resources on hand that I can somehow work with the registry. I am passionate about so many things, but the registry is for sure an organization that I know will carry with me for the rest of my life.  

Now with this said, I need to make an effort to do a donor drive somewhere! Doing school full time and working 17 hours a week can be kind of time consuming though. Maybe winter break I can organize something back home. That way it won't be so close to Relay for Life where I wouldn't be trying to raise money for 2 things at the same time. 

Anyway, random tangent. Point is, I am proud of myself today. I wish you could have been here to experience this whole thing with me. But I guess that's not exactly how it would have worked out, since I did this in honor of you and everything. Nevertheless, I know you would have wanted to be there. But I know you were watching over me that day to make sure everything went okay. Even though you couldn't point anyone to a bed pan so I threw up all over myself during the donation. Just kidding, I'm not blaming you. :) 

I love you mom. Thank you for being my inspiration. And the fighting force of everything I do. 

                Love your babydoll, 

                Tessy Loo Loo

P.s. Can you believe your baby girl is a junior in college now? Me neither. 

Haunting senses

Dear Mom,

The smell of chicken pot pie
Stacks of books all over the living room 
The Law and Order theme song 2 evenings a week
Scrambled eggs. Haven't had them that tasted like your's since. 
The smell of your perfume. Either raspberry or the musty one. 
George Strait playing while cleaning the house
Your soft and warm touch. 
The sweet wonderful taste of your chocolate cream pie. 
The pop and fizz of getting your diet decaf coke
Putting my hand against your's to show how small your's were. And how giant mine are. 
Watching your head fly back in one of your explosions of laughter.
The sound of your sewing machine late at night
The smell of fresh baked cookies every Christmas. 
Cuddling into your bed in the middle of the night for a very long phase
"Great Job Babydoll!"
All five senses
Filling me with joy, or haunting me with the "used to's"
Late night nostalgia, tucking me in at night
And I pretend you are right here 
with me. 



               Love your baby doll,
               Tessy Loo Loo

So Magical.

Dear Mom,

This past weekend was Relay for Life, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. It may have been one of the best years ever! I had an amazing time welcoming new team mates, and spending time with old ones. I just love the atmosphere of relay: our whole town coming together for one cause. 
Relay was even more special this year because Katie attended! I could tell how much fun she was having. She made herself right at home! I am glad she was able to experience such an amazing organization. 
Another reason why Relay was so special this year was because I did a speech during the fight back ceremony. I wrote it out a couple weeks in advance, and worked on it until it was perfect. I poured my whole heart out into it because I knew that would be the only way to reach out to people. So, here it is. 



When faced with tragedy, I am sure that many will agree, that one small 3 letter word tends come up. Why. Why me? Why did the unimaginable have to happen? It has been over 4 years since my mother passed away from Leukemia, and I still find myself asking that very question. But it is that very question that led me to the journey of a lifetime. C. S. Lewis said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary adventure.” I wish I could have trademarked that quote myself, because that’s exactly how I would describe the recent events in my life.

When my mom passed away, my whole life turned upside down, and it took a long time for me to feel happy and find a new normal. Even though I was healing, I still couldn’t help asking, why. I couldn’t accept the fact that “these things just happen” and that “cancer is a horrible disease.” I wanted to take matters into my own hands. Even though I have supported Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society for many years, and now with a Team for my mom, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a direct part of the cause, I needed to find an answer to that “why.” Somewhere along the way while researching Leukemia, I came across the Be the Match Registry. After looking through their website for a few minutes, I was determined. When I turned 18, I was going to be a registered bone marrow donor.

I talked to some people about it, and many were concerned that I was making such a decision. “You know it hurts, right?” “It feels like a horse kicked you for a week.” But to me, I look at it like this. By donating bone marrow, I would probably go through a few days of pain. Cancer patients go through months, even years of battle. So what’s a few days of pain to someone who’s life is on the line? My mom passed away about 12 hours after her initial diagnosis. She had no chance of living. Who am I to not try and give someone else their chance?

Most registered donors go their whole lives without getting a call saying that could be a possible match for a patient with a life-threatening blood disease. Yet, I donated bone marrow to a complete stranger 8 months after I signed up for the registry. What people don’t know is that most donations are not done surgically anymore. I was able to do a peripheral blood stem cell donation. I was given drug injections to boost my stem cell count for four days in the comfort of my own home. My stem cells were collected on the fifth day, and it took about 7 hours to complete the process. It was kind of like donating blood at a blood drive, but longer and more precise. And no, it didn’t feel like a horse kicked me. The collection was sent off and transfused to my donor the next day. So with 5 days of drug injections that gave me flu-like side effects and minor muscle and bone aches, and 7 hours in a hospital, I was able to give someone a second chance at life. I’m like most people; I hate hospitals, and even now I still hate needles flinch when I get a blood test. But that didn’t stop me. Out of all the donors in the nation, I was the one who matched her. To be a direct part of someone else’s life like that, is the most empowering feeling imaginable.

So while all this was happening, someone else in my life was going a different direction on the same street. A couple weeks after I was told I was a match to my recipient, my good friend Katie Thompson was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was devastated that this disease had closely affected someone else in my life. It was later determined that she would also need a bone marrow transplant. Luckily her sister was a match for her, and their donation day was a month after mine. It bewilders me the way our lives have paralleled, but in a way it has made us a huge support system for each other. Katie experienced her first Relay for Life this weekend, rocking her purple shirt with pride. She has been in remission for over a year and hasn’t needed a blood transfusion in two months. She is living proof that miracles do happen, and bone marrow transplants are life-changing.

If even one person goes home today and signs up for the Be the Match Registry, I know I have done my job. A lot of people are scared to sign up, or don’t even know to do it. I am here today to tell you, that you CAN do it. People make it sound like it’s scarier than it really is. I can speak from experience and say it isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s inspiring. Not only that, but the staff with Be the Match go above and beyond to take care of their donors. I didn’t have to pay for a cent, from the pre-donation physical exam to gas money to go to the hospital. They take care of you, since you’re the one saving a life and everything it would only make sense.

Although I still don’t know the answer to my “why,” I am comforted. Because even though I couldn’t save my mom, I might have saved someone else’s. And that gives me my purpose in life. To inspire others to sign up to try to do the very same thing! You don’t need to experience tragedy to sign up, you don’t need to be a hero; you can just do it. Because you have the power to make a difference. You have the power to save a life.

I was so happy with myself that I didn't cry during the speech! (Although I almost did.) As I finished and started to walk off, I saw the left side of the stands, where all my family and friends were, rise and applaud for me. I smiled with pride. Having that kind of support in my life is what keeps me going, and is why I knew I would be able to do the speech. 

And if that wasn't good enough, our team received the Bob Johnson Memorial Award! So exciting for our team to be honored like that! Especially since the award came from friends. 

So it is safe to say that I had an amazing time this weekend. Oh! I cut my hair. Katie chopped off 12 inches! I feel like a 90's girl, so I guess I'll have to wear more denim or something. 

I love you mom. It always makes me sad to not see you at Relay. But I work even harder to raise money and awareness to honor you, your life and your fight. I love you with all my heart. 

                Love your babydoll,

                Tessy Loo Loo